Clementine Breen
speaker
153 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Mar 2025
last heard Mar 2025
Clementine Breen’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
Right. Which I wish I had been delayed because at 14, I was really, really impulsive and not thinking things through. You know what that's called? Being 14.
Yeah. So, I mean, by the time I had... was being evaluated for surgery. It was already the next day. It was already scheduled. They were drawing markings on me. And they just sort of briefly went over what the procedure was. It was just called top surgery, not phomosectomy. I didn't know even what breast tissue looked like. Why bring that up?
I think it's important to realize how desensitizing they make everything. I don't think I realized the actual damage I did to my body until much, much later on. I mean, calling it top surgery doesn't even really acknowledge that there are specific glands there that are organs.
What's interesting about my case too is even in my referral notes, which the surgeon saw, there's conflicting information. One of them says I had held a male identity since puberty and the other one said I'd had a strong male identity since early childhood.
So immediately, like you can tell it's sort of rubber stamped and they didn't really look through it because if they look through it, they'd see that glare and contradiction. And you have those records.
What's that like? I felt like I'd been hit by a car. Like I didn't even, going into surgery, I was not nervous. I was totally calm. I had zero feelings about what was even going to happen. And I wasn't even shaking. What do you mean zero feelings? I was so numb at that point and I think I just didn't really, I was so dissociated as well. What do you mean dissociated? I wasn't living in my body.
I wasn't thinking of myself as part of my body. I was totally disconnected from my physical being and I think my identity. Do you know what derealization is? Yes. Yeah. How come? How come you know that? I've heard about it from a psychologist I've spoken to.
Essentially, yeah. And it was pretty glaringly obvious in my opinion. I was smiling and bubbly. I had no nerves. I had no questions, nothing to ask. And when I woke up, obviously, all of that was gone. I was just in tremendous pain and very out of it physically. Okay, what's been the consequence of the surgery?
Well, I didn't have breasts and I have a lot of chest pain related to hormonal cycles from the tissue that was left over, which is pretty painful to this day.
And it wasn't something I even realized until I fully stopped testosterone because once I stopped testosterone and my hormonal cycle was able to somewhat regulate, then I started having really intense chest pain related to my hormonal cycles.
re-undergo female puberty what happened um i wasn't sure what would have happened if i stopped so i had talked about it with doctors and they were like we don't know but i sort of progressed a little bit through female puberty but mostly no changes just sort of slight redistribution of fat and things like that do you know what your reproductive status is i don't know
It was always brushed over by people. It was always something like, oh, well, how could you worry about that when this child is suicidal? It's what they would sort of, how they would deal with it with my parents, who would always bring up, well, what about future fertility? They'd be like, well, that's not important when we're dealing with something so great. So the crisis justifies.
That was also something that wasn't really brought up as a concern. And then later on, I had to go on topical estrogen as well. And that was also something that wasn't really brought up as a potential thing that I would need to do in the future. Why did you have to go on topical estrogen?
At the time, I truly believed that I would become male and that this would somehow fix all my problems, which is so... not accurate to what was actually happening. So I say I understood basically nothing of what was actually going on and what was actually chemically happening to my body. I didn't really understand hormonal cycles and how much that plays into emotions.
It was something that was always sort of like, well, you can fix that. Like, I was thinking about bottom surgery when I was a teenager. It was brought up to me by therapists, and I had been thinking about it. and researching it. And, you know, by the time I was 16, 17, and I was breaking down in ways that were unrelated to my gender, I started getting help.
And my gender dysphoria was just gone after that. I just felt no desire to keep doing it or no reason to continue presenting as male after I had sort of gone through therapy about the sexual abuse.
After top surgery, not really. I mean, the problem of I have breasts was gone, but also at the end of that, I was also thinking, well, I didn't really... need to do that because they were already somewhat deformed anyways. And I still don't like the way that I look and I still feel uncomfortable. So that didn't really resolve. But at the time, I was sort of done transitioning.
So I was in this place of like, I don't really know where to go next. And things are just getting worse. And it just kept getting worse. Okay.
Well, I had sort of started opening up and realizing I needed to deal with a lot of the sexual trauma that I had. Opening up to who? I had talked a little bit to my parents about it and sort of just came to terms with it in my own head. Okay, so you revealed some of it to them? Yes. How did they react? Vaguely.
I revealed some of it, and they were very, very concerned and very distressed, and I think... They immediately sort of questioned why I was in gender therapy. They immediately wanted to put me in treatment for sexual assault only.
Showing 81–100 of 153 · page 5 of 8
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