Dr. Hilary Goldsher
speaker
72 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard May 2025
last heard May 2025
Dr. Hilary Goldsher’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
Amy and TJ presents Aubrey O'Day covering the Diddy Trial.
I got you. I got you. Thank you so much for having me.
Yeah, this is a question that's sort of floating around the culture right now. And while I'm disturbed and devastated about the alleged crimes against the myriad of women involved, I'm sort of the sort of silver lining is that we get to talk about this. The question you just asked is complex. And a lot of people, unfortunately, are having an opportunity to think through this very nuanced paradigm.
Because if you haven't been through it, or you don't know someone who's been through it, it's a fair enough question or a fair enough set of complex factors that get one who is curious and trying to understand this complex situation to ask why they don't get it. Why would someone stay when things are bad and scary? Yes. that can lead to blaming the victim or minimizing their trauma.
And it's a really negative vicious cycle for victims and for the paradigm of domestic abuse. So I'm happy we're talking about it. So I have a lot to say about why. So feel free to interrupt.
I'm really glad you pointed that out because obviously there is shame encircling men who are victims of domestic violence, given the full of male-female roles that society establishes.
Before I get into kind of the macro buckets of why people stay, I'll start where you ended, because shame is such a thematic reason why both men and women stay. When one quote comes out via...
public or criminal accusation or just even telling their community that they've been involved in a domestic abusive situation, there is deep rooted shame internalized because of their own inability to leave their admission that they stayed and endured abuse and the potential reaction of the community around them.
Oh, you're so well-versed and I'm going to cover.
Yes, that's a great foundation to lay forth as I begin this discussion, which is for those who are listening that haven't had this experience or don't know anyone in their sphere that have just have an open mind. It is a complex notion, but take a listen to the set of factors that can intersect, that can result in really strong, amazing women becoming victims over a very long period of time. So
Let's kind of start on the macro. There are a number of reasons, and they usually pool together, that result in women or men staying in an abusive relationship. And they fall under the following categories. There may be more. I might miss one or two. But these, from my anecdotal and empirical research and experience, are the top ones, which are psychological and emotional.
We'll get into all of these. Logistical, financial, physical safety.
Yes, we're going to start there, right? Psychological and emotional factors. So often, not always, but often a victim of abuse comes from a family and the details and the narrative and the stories vary, the demographics, the socioeconomic status, but at the core is some version of abandonment.
some version of an internalized sense of low self-worth or low value, and either an implicit or explicit edict to find a scenario, a relationship, a partner that sort of confirms and affirms that they're OK, that they're of value, that they're worthy.
And if they end up with someone that can provide that at times, but there is emotional and physical rent to pay through verbal abuse, through physical abuse. Sometimes the person can't garner the internal resources to value their emotional and physical safety over money.
the sort of deposit of self-worth that comes when the person chooses them, when the person is kind to them, when the person is bonded to them. And this is a complex psychological sort of notion, but it boils down to pathologically low self-worth.
What you're talking about is the power imbalance was normalized and sanctioned and popular, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a big ask for people to disconnect from their affiliation around those narratives. It's seductive, very seductive.
Well, I mean, it intersects with a number of factors, right? Probably anxiety, restlessness, boredom, low self-worth, right? Imbibing those headlines and becoming attached to those narratives offers us a version of a dopamine hit, right? It's an escape from our own reality and gives us sometimes an opportunity to be righteous and judge, which can give us an avenue to escape from our own pain.
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