Dr. John Duffy
speaker
736 appearances
2 recordings
1 series
first heard Oct 2019
last heard Jan 2025
Dr. John Duffy’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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before you even get to them, you know?
And so we have to recognize that as parents.
And they're not going to tell us every little bit of what's going on in their minds, but they need to know that they can.
You know, and that's that's that's a a a point I try to make kind of consistently throughout the book is
You know, do not expect that your child's gonna be completely transparent with you.
That's not a hallmark of the teenage years, but to know that they can be and to know that if you have something you need them to understand about, you know, the world that you get that you think they might not get, you need to establish a lot of goodwill between the two of you in order to make that message heard.
Otherwise they're gonna trust what they're reading and hearing and seeing from peers or or online at Reddit or with each other on Snapchat.
Exactly.
Yeah, I've I've uh for about twenty years I've been looking for another phrase that that I think that I think suits the the dynamic between parent and child.
And I've come up with nothing more effective than something I read in Daniel Goldman's book, Emotional Intelligence, twenty two, twenty three years ago, the emotional bank account.
And effectively every one of our relationships carries an emotional bank account and that
That's kind of the sum total of our interactions and whether they are positive or negative.
And if you've got net negative interactions, you've got a bank account that's in the red, and your interventions
in in that relationship, whether it's parenting or an intimate relationship or a work relationship or a friendship, is going to be far less effective than if you've built up a lot of positive interactions so that you are in the black.
And
That's the good stuff of parenting is the more you spend time connecting in a genuine way, where you're not just collecting intel or looking at portals, but you're talking to your child, you're getting to know his or her world, you're understanding their music a little bit better, you're understanding the culture of their class a little bit better.
The more you understand, and the more they know that you are curious and interested and still have positive regard for them, that bank account's in the black, and the interventions that you execute as a parent are far, far more likely to be effective.
And if they're in the red, you are going to find yourself super frustrated because you can read a Debbie Reber book and a John Duffy book and a Julie Lithcott.
I'm not getting anywhere here.
Yeah, absolutely a hundred percent possible.
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