Ian Bagg

But look, on some serious shit though, my son, he's 11 years old and knows half the periodic table and the first 22 digits of pi.

Not to pat myself on the shoulder, but I don't think I did too bad for a guy who failed the retarded class every year, right?

And look, this bitch had the nerves to call me back up after about a week, talking about the midget was throwing beer cans at her and fucking hitting her with cans and shit.

I was like, bitch, that sounds like a short relationship.

Y'all, that's been my time.

Y'all have a blessed night.

Wow.

I have been trying to get on this show for almost four and a half years.

Almost four years, yeah.

Dude, the shit I've been through just to try and get on this show will blow your mind, dude.

All right, so I've drove from South Carolina, where I'm from, to here multiple times.

My first time was for the H-E-B Arena show.

All this is on YouTube.

I took and traveled from there with no gas, no food, no money.

Told jokes the entire time just to get by at gas stations and shit.

My car broke down five times in every fucking state.

There was a person coming here to see the show on H-E-B with a ticket, helping me to get my car fixed.

And again, it's all on YouTube.

Shit that comes out of my mouth will blow your mind, but just take in mind, everything I'm telling you, including my joke, is 100% true.

I believe you.