Jack Crivici-Kramer

It was music.

Music.

You play the sound of the ocean into the tank to turbocharge that kelp, baby.

It's kind of like playing Mozart to babies or like music to cows.

The vibrations from the sea music activate the kelp and make the miracle broth even more miracle.

That's right.

Baby Mozart's how these two-year-olds are getting the SATs.

So now this fancy makeup factory has a full-time DJ to keep the seaweed feeling spiritual.

But pause the pod jack because there's real science here.

Those vibrations activated the kelp.

I'd call it pseudoscience, but yeah, sure.

Yeah, besties, you really want to boost production, you want to play your junior year midterm study playlist.

That was a good one, Jack.

Nothing boosts production like some Backstreet Boys at 2 a.m.

Plus every Rocky movie soundtrack that's ever been made.

So, yetis, you'll look fantastic today.

Especially if your skin cream listens to Float On by Modest Mouse.

Hey, Ariel, another round of skin cleaning.

For our first story, America's $14 trillion man just proposed a total change to America's investing strategy.

Because in modern America, not investing in the stock market is a recipe for going broke.