Joe Hudson

I'd already done a lot of emotional work.

At this point, I'd learned how to cry by literally going and faking crying out in the woods.

So, and I started learning about the emotions, but with him, there was a lot of relational stuff and that's,

When I started really allowing like that deep level of intimacy, love, and connection in, that's when a whole bunch of stuff started changing for me as far as the emotional.

All of a sudden, when I started feeling more emotions, my decision-making got clearer.

When I started feeling more emotions, the stuck kind of like low-level-y depression that can happen even in peace went away.

When I started feeling my emotions, I stopped feeling better than people before.

When I started feeling my emotions, I was like quick to be able to be intimate with folks.

And so all this stuff happened.

But biggest thing is that just my capacity to love grew and grew and grew.

The more I could allow my heart to break, the more my capacity to love grew.

And so I just started to like...

And part of that recognition was that I had to like learn how to love myself, which is where I started to have to confront, deeply have to confront this idea that I'm bad, right?

So, and that love came with abuse.

And so what I started noticing was like every single emotion that I wasn't allowed to feel had a behavior pattern that was involved in it.

And when I felt the emotion, the behavior pattern went away.

So I was emotionally abandoned.

I had this emotional abandonment come up, I might think like, oh, you might emotionally abandon me.

I would do one of two things.

I would do, fuck you anyway, or I'd do like, oh, please.