Jordan Klepper

So after the free trial, I have to, like, watch an ad for DraftKings before finding out if my grandma's dead?

Okay, so, like, doing it through an app is so impersonal.

Like, just do what I do.

I text my mom, are you dead?

And she always says no, and then I respond, how about now?

Like, it's this cute little thing that we do, and although she hasn't texted me back in two days, so miss you, old gal.

But this is like the Uber Eats of wellness checks.

It's like, hey, do I smell rotting flesh?

I could get up from the couch or I can check the old dead neighbor app.

Sorry about that, China, but that is so not a problem.

And do you think we forgot about you, England?

Yeah, maybe we don't have health care like you do, and we did end up with a king after all, but at least this didn't happen to us.

An English beach has been covered in french fries after a cargo ship spilled.

Thousands of spuds and other veggies have washed up, tumbling off a container ship in a storm.

And it could take years to clean it up.

What?

French fries go in your mouth, not the sea.

Also, it's gonna take years to clean this up.

Just get a group of girlfriends together who will be like, hold on, should we be bad and eat all these ocean fries?

They'll have the beach cleaned up in an hour.