Kate McNulty

speaker

226 appearances 1 recordings 1 series first heard Jun 2021 last heard Jun 2021

Kate McNulty’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.

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Full-Tilt Parenting: Strategies, Insights, and Connection for Parents Raising Neurodivergent Children · TPP 256: Autistic Therapist Kate McNulty on Neurodiverse Relationships · 22 Jun 2021 podcast

The autistic person who's dating a new partner is often doing a lot of masking, which is a term we use for autistic people kind of propping up a facade of looking normal or neurotypical, trying to fit in, maybe being on their best behavior and trying to

refrain from certain impulses they might have, like fidgeting or moving around a lot, or maybe saying odd things, unexpected things.

But they're not so likely to do that in a dating context.

So then when people get to know each other better later as the relationship develops, some of these behaviors emerge because they're the natural person.

That's the way the person is inclined to act in an ordinary living situation.

And so these things might be off-putting or irritating to the neurotypical partner who thought they had somebody different.

then later they find about these other tendencies or how much quiet the person might need or how little they want to attend family functions or loud, crowded events.

They went along during the dating time because that's what you do to be sociable.

But as the

months or years go by, it becomes apparent that's not the way they actually live or what they prefer to do.

So often by the time the couple comes to see me, the gateway is to help them parent well together.

You know, their agenda, if nothing else, is like we want to do right by our children, even if we're struggling in our marriage.

So helping them recognize that their kids need to be in an atmosphere of affection and

and calm and seeing parents support one another is a huge motivator for couples to work on the relationship.

And so, a lot of what I do is talk to people about what we know from the research about how couples can express caring and friendship to one another and look for those overtures that their partner is making.

So, for example, with an autistic partner, maybe the ways that they show I love you are things like,

remembering to pick up the kind of tea you like at the store.

Or if you're going somewhere new, they might be the ones to put the Google directions in your phone.

Or they might be trying to plan ahead about some kind of family event or outing and choose something that they know they can tolerate.

So that's the kind of invitation that they might extend.

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