Matt Rivas
Appearances
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I heard there's a lot of, like, cool nature stuff to do out here.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yeah, I actually went to a Buc-ee's the first time a couple weeks ago.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I've never been to a place that sells cigarettes and also brisket. That was really interesting. But the craziest thing is that it was just like a giant gift shop about this beaver, and I don't really get the lore behind it.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Yep. Okay. Well, I am a child of divorce. My family's Puerto Rican.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Okay. So I was raised very whitewashed. My older sister speaks Spanish, but me and my younger siblings don't speak any Spanish. And my dad raised us in the Bronx, New York, and we were very sheltered. Like, he made us walk in a straight line. He was a military guy. And yeah, we didn't absorb any of the hood, so that's cool, I guess. Absorb?
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I think I'm most afraid of... Dying, feeling worthless. Wow. Fuck. We'll be right back. It's a comedy show, motherfucker.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
People have been telling me lately that they don't think I'm very nice, so I'm trying to be more supportive. Like, a friend of mine recently came out as bisexual. That was weird. But he made an Instagram post about it. Did you guys know that it's not supportive to comment? I fucking knew it. But I'm not perfect either. I like tomboys, which is a type of girl.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I'm serious, but it's still a weird thing to come out and say to your guy friends, especially when one of them is named Tom. I think, okay, delivery could be simple, like, I like tomboys, but no, I'm worried I'm going to fuck up and be like, I like tomboys. It was even worse than I thought. Because I was drunk, I was just like, I like boys, tom. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I've been doing stand-up for about four years. Four years. Where at? I started in Union City, New Jersey. Okay.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I've done a lot of time in New York. I just moved out here eight months just to pursue it. I heard the scene was awesome, and I'm never fucking going back. This shit's sick.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
Right now, I do a lot of temp work, but I work for Not A Day In Chance Burger.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
I just know that I'm in Texas and things get lost in translation out here. Whoa.
KILL TONY
#692 - IAN BAGG + TYLER FISCHER
He's in a Bon Jovi tribute band. No, no, I am straight, but a lot of people say that I look like I could be gay.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Hey, my name's Matt. You guys ever met a Mexican-Jewish person before? Yeah, I got a cousin, dude. He's Mexican and Jewish. His name's Kike. Spell kike for some people. I don't know why. I love Kike, man. Like, he's so Mexican, he works construction, but so Jewish, he only accepts payment, like, bonds and shit. He's a genius, man. He's an entrepreneur.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He did all this while managing a coffee shop called Hebrews. Bro, he sold Mexican and Jewish, dude. He built tunnels for both sides. Imagine a narco with a gold gun and some pigtails. Jesus Christ. I love Keeks, man. Keeks is dope. Keeks is chill as fuck. You know, we're older now. You know, he's an idiot. I try to ask him about his whole take on the Israel thing. You know what he said?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
He's like, oh, yo, Israel, y'all in the back right now, he's making tortillas. Yes. Yeah, man. You know, man, I'm a simple man, you know? I'm gonna end it there. I'm done.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yes, sir. Wow. What do you do for a living? Uh, I work at a smoke shop. Okay. Yeah, here in town, right down the street. Okay. How long have you been doing that for? Actually, I'm about to start tomorrow, man.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, yeah, actually, yeah. I talked to them today, smoked a blunt with them. They're like, you're hired.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Yeah, I don't want to shout them out. Right. You know, it's a spot. It's like I ran by a bunch of Mormons. They're cool people. They're great people. Fired me, though. Okay. What did they say they fired you for? I didn't show up for work one day. Okay. And then. That'll do it. You know how it is. You know how it is. No. No, I do know how that is. Y'all never got fired? No, I've been fired.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I'm not talented enough. In the bedroom? How'd you know? Come on now. Takes one to know one. No, I'm terrible. Right there. Fucking get it, bro. This guy gets it. He gets it.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
I'm 95. I'm a little Asian. Okay. Just a little Japanese. Little Japanese. Look at that.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
They're both Mexican like me. What does your dad do for work? He works for the city, actually. What does he do for the city? He's like an HR representative for the APD and stuff like that. Oh, wow. That's incredible. How about your mom? What does she do? She works for the state. Wow.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
No, no, I would never get arrested. Why would Matt get arrested? What? No, I would never get arrested.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Nothing much, man. I'm just doing comedy, trying to stick with it, working. You're not working. Tomorrow. Start tomorrow. At a smoke shop. Yes. Which is literally fucking nothing. No, they sell weed and stuff. It's a nice place. It's classy, established. It's on Fifth Street. Classy, you know.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Big munchie guy. Big munchies. Love eating munchies. Make stupid ass sandwiches. Like what? What's a stupid sandwich? I made a... I like to get spam. You know, custom spam up. Put a sliver of a Kraft single on there. Toast some bread. Wheat bread. Preferably better for the digestive system. You know?
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
And then I like to put some honey mustard, maybe some Dijon mustard on there, you know? Maybe a little mayo, just a little.
KILL TONY
#707 - JAMES MCCANN
Well, we don't eat that on a regular basis here. You know, where are you from again? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Make some noise for Matt, everybody. Hey. How's it going, everybody? So I recently got kicked out of the hair club for men, because I recently shaved my head. But it's OK, because I've been asked to join some other clubs. I think because of my algorithm, I've been asked to join pool leagues, like the cue balls and stuff like that.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
But I reached out to make a wish, because it looks like I'm now suffering from cancer. And I won't be able to make my next minute, because I'll be going to Disney World with Joe Rogan. But yeah, things have been changing for me. I used to have a crazy comb over. So it's been just opening my eyes to new things.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
I was just on last week, so my episode hasn't came out yet, so I had a joke that was kind of relevant to that, but I was kind of going with it. It was something that needed to be brought to my attention, you know, that I needed to shave my head.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
At first I thought Tony might have been being a little mean and insensitive, but sometimes it takes to take a good hard look in the mirror that nobody close to you will tell you that, you know, maybe it's time for Puerto Rico to shave their fucking head.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Not to cut you off, I actually told Red Band that last week because the guy with the beard and the cowboy hat, how he comes on – he's been on multiple times and stuff. You told Red Band what? That it doesn't seem so random. That maybe, like, it's not all, like, bucket pools or whatever. But, I mean, yeah, it's completely random.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Yeah. Yeah. No, I hear you. No, I hear you. Your timing of it.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Yeah, that too as well. But you couldn't wait. Yeah, well, I was just here. But, bro, I mean, the chances of me being pulled out of the bucket, I know I've heard people say this shit, and it's like, man, why are you saying that? You know... Maybe just don't sign up. You know what I'm saying?
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
You would have been a star. That would have been a huge set. Hopefully it'll still kind of carry. I mean, I couldn't just get up on it.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
I would just say, to give me a little break, like, I did come... Not that it was great material, but I did... That was only in, like, four or five days that I was coming up with all these... My head's just been spinning, bro, trying to come up with ideas.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
The old soft top you got up there. But yeah, I appreciate the opportunity you gave me last week. All right, Jelly Roll, relax.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Um, no, but yesterday I just got pulled over with an invalid license and they, the cop would not give me a break, bro. He told my shit and I had to, um.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Yeah, because my, um, and it's really just because the DMV, they don't have enough people to give you a new license. He was a complete just jerk about it, dude. Um, my birthday was on the 16th of November, so my license is, you know, it needs to be renewed. Yeah, expired. Not, like, suspended or anything.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
No, dude. He was a jerk. Where was this? Garden Ridge, Texas. It's right outside of Cibolo. He was an Asian cop. Short Asian cop, dude. Like, it's relevant, bro. He was a short Asian cop? He was a jerk. Even his supervisor came and was like, this guy's a jerk. I was like, bro, he won't meet me in the middle. Like, I cannot. His supervisor came?
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
He made him give me a break, and then he hated it, dude. He, like, walked away like... You know, because it's supervised, like, you need to give that a warning. That's bullshit, you know? Right. My dad had to come pick me up. Yeah, dude. They told my shit. I got it down in an hour. He was like, he was trying to tie me up. I was like, bro, I'm going to get it out today. Like, you're not going to.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
And I'm broke right now. It was like my last three, four hundred bucks. But, you know, it's just another bump in the road, dude. I've been watching videos and shit lately about, like, how some of these things are going to make you stronger, more resilient. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's all jelly roll, bro. I think jelly roll was one of those videos. That is pretty jelly roll.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Yeah, I got it out. I called because it's Sunday, bro. Dude, he was trying to get me tied up. What does that mean, tied up? Just trying to hinder me. I guess he was just trying to make my life hard, bro. This is like a small Texas town. Yes, sir. Yeah. And I actually do work for a lady that lives in Garden Ridge.
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
She's probably like the... I mean, she's got a Ferrari in her garage and all this shit. She's a rich-ass lady, but... What do you do for this lady? It does kind of have a little vibe to it, you know?
KILL TONY
#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU
Dude, she has me do every... She's like a Martha Stewart type, bro. She has me bring down all her Christmas decorations out of the garage, like from her... Have you been building a fence for some guy?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yo, what's up? My name's Matt, guys. Yeah, I know you guys are looking at me right now. You guys are like, what is he? Yeah, my buddy said I look like a orange chicken. Yeah, because I look a little Asian, but I was definitely made by a couple Mexicans. It's true. I got like 30 of my cousins in the back of Panda Express right now. Yeah, I'm Mexican, man.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I used to be a simple man, though, growing up. I used to be a big butterface guy. Y'all remember those butterfaces? Yeah, everything's nice about a butterface. Not many of them out here in Austin, dude. All I see out here nowadays is these damn butter apples. Y'all heard about them? Everything's nice about a butter Adam's apple. Yeah, I saw one the other day. I was like, what the fuck is this?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Dude, I thought God was testing me. I was like, is this an Old Testament scripture? Am I supposed to kill it right now? I didn't know what to do, man. Yeah, I was kind of turned on. I'm not gonna lie, dude. This bitch was six foot. Looked like Kim Kardashian, but her Adam's apple was the size of my kneecap. I was like, damn, girl, you got three ACLs? Could at least get one of Derrick Rose, man.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I work at a smoke shop here in town. Okay, what do you just... Yeah, it's a smoke shop, so pot and stuff like that. I get some wraps and stuff. It's a cool spot. What kind of wraps do you prefer? Do you smoke blunts? Growing up, man, I used to be a big Swisher guy.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, sometimes, but I've tried it multiple times. It's like the best, I mean, kind of the best way I figured out the way it works, but I try every now and then different, but.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
The trans women are crazy, man. Have you really run into one? No, I haven't. It's just interesting.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
It's because it's like your best friend could be a trans dude as ASAP. Like, you could be a homie. You're the homie, right? You're the homie, and next you know, you're a chick. You got tits. Holy fuck.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I like to... Man, hobbies, dude? Fuck up. play baseball, she liked to play catch.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Uh, I go to bars, man. I just hang out, talk to chicks at the bars, you know?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I just tell them I wrote for Dave Chappelle, and they're like, oh, yeah, cool, fuck yeah.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
How you doing there, partner? Good, good. You mind? A guy like me just wanted to know what your sign was. Oh, I'm a... You come off mine as a Scorpio. You seem a little spicy.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Dude, that was beautiful. I think we had, like, a real connection there. Oh, okay. Okay. It was pretty romantic, Tony.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
Honestly, I wish I graduated college, man. Okay, why do you wish?
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
It's because of my mom, man. My mom, she just wanted me to graduate. That was the one thing she asked. Right. And I fucked up. Okay.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
I was, like, three years in. Oh, wow. That's pretty fucking deep. Yeah, it was deep. Like, a lot money deep. And how much do you owe still? Fuck, bro. Like, probably, like, 50K? 50K.
KILL TONY
#714 - LUIS J GOMEZ + LEMAIRE LEE
$40,000. I always hear those stories from white people. That's crazy. I'm just kidding. She's Asian. She's Asian.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Thank you, everybody. Thank you. I just moved to Austin a year ago. Yeah. It's so gay. Okay. I mean, every weekend there's a march or a parade. When I was a kid, gay was like an insult. Now it's a party. Give them an inch. And they're gonna try to suck it. I'll tell you the gayest thing I've ever done. Tony was there.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We performed in the La Jolla Comedy Store, and it was me, Tony, our friend Benji Aflalo, and they put us up in a hotel room that only had two beds. That's three dudes, two beds. Found out how to make it not gay. You just take the two beds, push them together. Three dudes, one bed cancels out any potential gayness. This is absolutely true.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I saw. It's true. I saw Ari Madding. Like you said, we've been doing this about 18 years and it's it's hard to get inspiration. You know, would come here every single night. And I saw Ari go up before me here in Little Boy. And I was like, dude, this is the fucking guy.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Uh, you know what? I'm just, uh, recovering from a very fun New Year's Eve. Thanks to you guys. You guys did something amazing. Yeah, that was such an awesome show. You got to meet the Undertaker. I met the fucking Undertaker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He, uh, I shook his hand and his fingers go all the way to my elbow.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
I mean, dude, the bike crash was fucking hilarious.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Time stood still. Yeah. And he literally mid-air cradles my head like a baby. And I look in deep into his beautiful blue eyes. And I knew in that moment we were best friends.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
We don't have video of it, but it's out there somewhere. It stays with me forever. I could go right into that moment at any second.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
What was it like living with Tony? It was great, actually. The bathroom was in my room.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah, and that's when I knew it was time to get up every morning at 1 p.m. when Tony had to pee. That's it. And we got up. Great times living with them.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Yeah. There was one. What was the one? I don't even remember what we were fighting about, but I remember you said something to me like, yeah, well, I went to big boy college.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Blunt rolling 101. It was great. I love it. There was another fight in Portland, Texas in line at a. Oh, my God.
KILL TONY
#700 - WHITNEY CUMMINGS + KAM PATTERSON
Corpus Christi was the show, but we stayed in Portland, Texas. Portland, yes. It was the first time I've ever been to Texas.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I saw Fred at the food trucks. He was with a gentleman caller. Fred's freaky as fuck, dude.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
You know how grandmoms make food with love? Grandmoms make that with hate. Exclusively hate.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Dude, you're dripped up. You got the fucking black camo stripes, bro? Sheesh. You got the Walmart before you come here, dude? Fucking sheesh.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
It's a good job. How much did they pay you? Actually, dude, thank you for your service. For real, though. Like, give it up to them. For real. Thank you for your service. But also, boo, dude. That shit fucking sucks.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I mean, he's doing a service, dude. He's doing his job.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
That's fucked up, dude. Yeah, bro. No, I got excited he was selling weed. I'm sorry. Allegedly. Allegedly.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Well, thank you for having me, Tony. I came here to black out and hear jokes.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
That looks like a... Most definitely. I do like the Goku hat. It kind of rips, dude. The what? It's a Goku hat. This is Goku, right?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yo, Tony Universe, what's up? What's the joke? All right, man. So growing up, I'm sure everyone has that strange uncle. So growing up, I'm sure everyone has that one weird uncle. My weird uncle used to tell us these crazy ass ghost stories. And when we get too scared, he would tell us, if you're so scared when you fall asleep, you know, just fall asleep facing the wall.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
So if a ghost comes in the middle of night, you won't see him. And one night, you know, I fell asleep over there and I must have forgot the rule. And sure enough, I felt this like ghost-like presence hovering above me. And I woke up, you know, and this strange ghost-like figure making these weird noises. So I fucking freaked out and I faced the wall. I said, go to sleep, girl, go to sleep.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
And I woke up the next morning and it must have been real because I had all this like ghost slime on the back of my head. And so I fucking freaked out. I ran downstairs to my cousin. I said, bro, you'll never guess. There was a ghost in my room and he touched the slime. He goes, oh, dude, what a coincidence. When dad drinks a lot, I know a ghost slime in my butt. That's it, guys. Thank you.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Wait, dude, you gotta... The hairline is a distraction. Look at his chin.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I've been doing just work in construction, appliance repairs, stuff like that. Just spinning the wheels, man. Looking for something bigger, better, faster, you know?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I figure the first time you almost got canceled, we got Hans Kim out of the deal. So this next time you get canceled, I figured my haircut, my facial hair.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Why not just go bald, dude? I mean, I comb it different ways. Sometimes I part it, comb it back, you know? You ever slick it back before?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
They've busted my balls about my hair since I've been in junior high, bro. Coming it forward, like... So why do you stick with it?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I feel good about myself. I don't have a problem with it. You know what I mean? I'm... Hey... I truly do, bro.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I get, you know, standing out, even like standing out there in line, bro. I mean, I get constantly getting eye contact from girls. I'm the best. I'm not for the right reason.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Like, right, like, this is real. No, it's not. The widow peeked to here, but the rest, like, here is all filled in and swooped over, bro. Like, it's going forward and then swooped over like that. Can I make a case for you cutting your hair?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I will not, I will never cut. Bro, my brother shaped his chin. Can I make a pretty good point? Now, I have a couple. You have a pretty good head shape. So it wouldn't look bad bald. And also you got such beautiful eyes, dude. I think that's what carries me, bro, is the eyes, honestly. People will notice your eyes and then the chin.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
The girl I'm with, I've known her since second grade. I've been with her for 15 years. Wow. I've got four kids. Wow. I've got three little girls and a little boy. She had two girls from a previous relationship that I've raised since they were like eight months old and three years old. A couple real assholes laughing at that.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Something that's also a little, I guess, out of the ordinary. I've always lived with my parents. I've never moved out. You still live with your parents?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
My dad's cool as shit, bro. I mean, for him to allow that to happen is just... I owe my whole life to my dad, bro. Absolutely. Absolutely.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
It's stressful as shit, dude. My mom is like a Fox News mom. Like, she's fucking... Like, the joke that Shane Gill is about smoking in the house. Like, we could not... This lady would not have stopped smoking in the house if it wasn't for the grandbabies.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Honestly, dude, like, I don't want to get too political and shit, but I... My wife, dude, when all that shit was happening, that's what kind of made me kind of come back. That whole left shit, dude, is the... Do you have a black wife?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, so, like, bro, because I really was, like, I was on that fence and shit. Like, I'm not... And I really mean this. I truly mean this. I'm not trying to just...
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, that too, dude. My sister, she died last year on 9-11.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
She couldn't stop drinking, bro. She died at 41 years old. And so I stopped drinking last year on Mother's Day. Four months later, she passed. So I haven't drank in a year and a half. I kind of lost my train of thought, bro. But yeah, oh, that's what it was. Yeah, so I think about that shit, Trump losing his brother at that age, and it's kind of changed my whole life, bro.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Kind of motivated me to do this shit, you know? Perfect.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
It's a joke. It's a joke. It's okay, dude. It's all right.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, a lot of times. It's crazy to have generational homelessness. It's crazy to be homeless with your mom. Like, that's two failures. Like, that's crazy.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
It's okay, Brianna. You can treat me as wrong as you need to.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Did you dance with snakes? You're Pentecostal. They do that.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Are you sure? Or are you just higher than fucking God himself right now? Now, Billy drove me home really drunk, and I wouldn't stop falling once.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah, dude. Also, I won $100 at poker that night, so it was a good night. Wow.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
He's very humble, but he used to train with American Top Team.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I don't know, I just feel like he's making excuses for having a big dick. That's what it sounds like to me.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
How do you feel? I feel great. I think you should branch out, do little Jenny Jones makeovers.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Yeah. I think when she sees the episode, she'll be clowning on me too, you know, giving me a lot of time. Maybe she's been holding back.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
It's like, good old white chocolate meet milk chocolate. I like to call Drew, Drew Half Nickens. That's what I call him.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
Dude, I got these alligators and I can't control them. They're fucking gator claws. I don't know what to do with them. They just sit when I walk. Gators can swim.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
William, I do have this bowl that I've been smoking out of all night that I have to put back in the mothership green room. But I can give you this. Are you having him bring that back for you?
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I don't like to count Joe Rogan's pockets like that. That's not a thing I would do. Us RNs, we don't do that. It's public knowledge.
KILL TONY
#695 - MATT MCCUSKER + LEMAIRE LEE
I have a question, Drew. Is there fresh needles on the Amazon list?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I have hand tremors. It's a medical condition. For me, every weight's a shake weight. I want to go to California and experience an earthquake just so I can be steady, you know? Everyone's like, what's happening? I'm like, I don't know, sudden clarity? This sucks, dude. I can't go blind. I'd read Braille with a stutter, you know? Just... I would love to be deaf, man.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I'd be the first guy doing sign language in a serif font, you know? Just... Can you imagine getting bullied by the ASL community for your accent? I don't want that. I don't want to... This sucks, dude. I shake all the time. It's been really bad the last three years. I used to love soup. I used to love chili. Now I just... Yeah, now I just look chilly, you know? Thank you. Yeah, man, I don't know.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I hate shaking, but my ex loved it. Thank you, guys. That's my time.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
It's like a third grader with palsy. It's bad. Yeah. You've always had that? I noticed it like junior year in high school. And it's just gotten kind of worse the last three years. It's gotten worse. pretty bad, so.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
You know, I think that's a contributing factor. I think that is a part of it. Yeah, I shake all the time. It's rough. Soup, sushi, my big two enemies.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I just got sushi the other day. I was doing them with both hands, and just getting bullied by the staff was embarrassing. I was like, give me a fork, I don't care.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
What did they say? I couldn't understand them. You disrespected us. You chopped it right. I was just thrilled to be there. All right.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
No, I was. I was out with my friends. Right. Yeah, I don't know.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
My love life's not exciting. Really? A little bit. I don't know.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
No, I got a quick one. I was seeing this girl. We went on like four or five dates. We weren't exclusive yet. She was like, you should come see me at this bar. She texted me. I was like, I'll be there in five minutes. She goes, all right. See you soon. I walk in and she's like making out with another guy. And I was like, oh, that's okay. I'm fine. And... I live.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I took a photo of it and I sent it to her and I was like, well, I think you're good. And she goes, that wasn't me. And I was like, you have a cast on. And you sent me your outfit before you went out. That would be crazy if it wasn't you.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Today is actually my nine-year anniversary. Wow. Nine years today.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
The first four were in Iowa. My first open mic was in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and then Chicago for like four years, and here for the last year. Okay. When you were in Chicago, did you ever visit The Bean?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Tony, it's a phenomenal landmark, dude. Huge fan of The Bean.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
No, I briefly did digital marketing. I did digital marketing.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I use voice to text people, and it fucking sucks. I can't swear. It's just four. I'll be like, fuck, and it's just four, star, star, star, star, star. Yeah. I just swear like a third grader on the phone. It's bad. Right.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yeah, dude. I'll race anyway. My 40-meter dash is unparalleled. What is it? Whatever you want it to be. No.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I think I ran a 4.3. Really? No, that's a lie. I... If I ran a 4.3, I'd be in the NFL right now. I would not be doing this.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
I collect football cards. I'm a huge Iowa State sports fan. There's not a lot of us. And I collect Hakeem Butler rookie cards. He's my favorite player in the league. Yeah. He's not in the league. He got drafted but never played. So I collect all of his rookie cards because they don't cost anything. He's the only guy I can afford. I'm his biggest fan.
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Yeah, I've gone. The MRI has gotten. I've had medication for it. It doesn't really work. I mean, it kind of. What kind of medication did they give you? It's propranolol. I don't know. That's the stuff. It doesn't really do anything, though. It just kind of makes me tired. It's like a beta blocker, so it just makes me not feel happy. Ah. Yeah. Kind of a downer, isn't it? Yeah. Alcohol help?
KILL TONY
#699 - LUIS J GOMEZ + JOE LIST
Is alcohol help? I wish. It does not. I drink a lot. It might actually be a contributing factor. That makes sense.