Melody Beattie
speaker
102 appearances
1 recordings
1 series
first heard Mar 2025
last heard Mar 2025
Melody Beattie’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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Appearances
But it's something much bigger than that. Okay. We consistently and without fail love the other person more than we love ourselves. That's where we step into the pit of codependency.
We do. I mean, Let's be very, very honest. Which one of us completely understands love? What it is. Not this guy. I mean, we're all pretty much on equal ground, I think. Stumbling through it alone. And yet, and this whole nonsense about the one. I mean, sometimes we have someone for right now. Sometimes for a while. We walk with others on this journey.
We gain, we give back. And if we're codependent, sometimes we keep repeating. We can get stuck in a little bit of a rut. But that's how we learn and grow. And in the end, it's all good. It's all okay. And we need to stop picking on ourselves for the way we've grown and changed. I was reading something the other day and it talked about how We never could see a baby grow, can we?
I mean, we can't sit there all day and say, oh, she just grew. I've never seen a plant grow. I've come out the next day and I've seen that it's grown, but I can never see it when it's growing. I can never catch it. And the same holds true with us. I don't know if it's having gone through the 80s, 90s, and 2000s, but... We can get to expecting this parade for every time something important happens.
But I found that the changes I make on the journey to self-love are quieter. And they're the kind of changes I can't see any more than I can see a plant or a baby grow. But I can see the difference. You know, little by slowly, I can see the difference when I pay attention and give awareness to loving myself as much as I love others.
I'm not talking about to the exclusion of, I'm talking about as much as.
How do you- Raising kids is one of the few legitimate circumstances that most closely resembles codependency, only it's legitimate. Thank you.
I know. And it's our job to love that baby through life and into life, which is also our job with us.
And I believe we all do. Who doesn't like being needed a little bit?
You know, now and again, if nobody needs us, if we're not part of a community that would miss us if we weren't there, but we can set up systems where the need is there. I mean, it's a crazy, chaotic, pounding need that we've created of people leaning on us and us getting resentful. And why does this always happen to me? Well, because you keep doing it.
It's not about pleasing anything or anyone outside of ourselves, just ourselves, our own heart, our own peace, our own life. That's pretty much who we're here to please. It's not as easy said as done though, because we have to get to know ourselves, don't we? To know what pleases us, what doesn't please us, what we'd like, what feels good, what doesn't feel good. And then when does it matter?
Because there's a lot of times when, you know, life will break our boundaries. It will do things to us we didn't want it to do, we didn't plan on and that aren't fair and aren't right. But we have a choice and we can go back to our victim's story. or we can surrender and we'll probably do some of both along the way. Life is messy. It's complicated.
It doesn't happen neatly the way it does in books and movies. It's just much messier than that. And yet when we give up our control, And this thing we have with needing to know how everything is and how every detail will work out when we're willing to say, I don't know, and step into the unknown is when we find the magic. We really do. That's when the magic happens.
What is detachment? Probably the first thing we need to learn to do at the beginning of our recovery journey and every day when we wake up. I am a Gemini. I get really obsessive. I like to attach. I attach to ideas. I'm overly loyal. I will hang on to people, places, and things long after they've lost their usefulness.
And so it's like trying to keep up with the way we attach fast enough to free ourselves so that we can live our lives. That is a worthwhile goal. And it's not easy.
And I want to say something else too, that the detachment didn't just occur when I had that realization, when I was on the phone, because what I did is I ended up telling him, you know, you got yourself to Vegas. If you want to get home, you'll get yourself home. I'm putting on a party. I'll see you later. That wasn't the moment I detached.
I detached in the three years incrementally that occurred and the experiences I went through that occurred before that. I mean, it's a process and those aren't just words. Everything is a process in life and we can trust our process. We don't have to invalidate it. We don't have to call ourselves names, although it's sometimes fun to rag on ourselves, isn't it?
The beginnings and endings aren't as clear as they may appear to be.
Little by slowly, little by slowly. And then in spring we go out and we go, oh, my garden's grown. And we need to do that with ourselves too. We need to also tell ourselves about the progress we've made. Being codependent isn't like, I can get a little ashamed of it. And I wrote the book. It's not a bad thing. It's a human thing. It's a human thing people do. Yeah.
We call it a dysfunction, but we call everything a dysfunction now, don't we?
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