Nimesh Patel
Appearances
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
I don't have the power to return him to the United States.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
Ron Chang, everybody. Man.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
Forgettable.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
I'm so excited.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
I'm here for his spot. I've been on the road for so long. It's so good to be back in New York. I was on the way here, and this is true. I was with my Indian friend. We were walking, and this homeless guy goes, look at these two computers. And... I miss that kind of racism. It's just like, you ever want to control ultimately a homeless guy? Like, what the is he talking about?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
What were you... When we met in 2011, you were ex-law school? I was still in law school.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
And you were at NYU. I was a... I had just graduated two years from graduating at NYU as a pre-med finance... I was pre-med finance. Pre-med finance?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
I wanted to be like this evil private equity manager. Doctor, you want to be a private equity doctor? When I joined NYU, I was gung-ho on being a pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
But it was definitely, there was definitely some good intent. And then I saw all my finance friends like, oh yeah, that seems fun. Being evil seems fun. But I was, I was gung ho on being a pediatric cardiothoracic surgeon. And then I got a C plus in organic chemistry. And I was like, those kids. And I'll never, I'll never forget.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
I'm sure you have a moment where like you called your parents, like I'm not doing law school anymore. No, I never told them. You never told them. They still don't know, to be honest. You look the part. I called my mom. I called my mom. I said, Mom, I'm dropping pre-med. And she screamed. I've never heard her scream that loud since. She screamed as if someone told her I was dead.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
And she was like, what? We pay for you to go to school? This is how you repay us? You're going to end up running a liquor store just like your dad. And my dad's in the corner like, the f*** did I do? I'm just... Just trying to support my family. And then I did finance, and I graduated in 08 with a finance degree. And that obviously did not work out.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
But the problem is, now all my friends are finance millionaires, and I still think I could do finance. I still think I know math. You're not alone. Apparently everyone in America thinks they can do finance. And I learned that I should just stick to jokes, because I was out to dinner with one of my friends, hedge fund guy. One of the good ones.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
And he's telling me he was up like, he's managing $10 billion and he's up 70% on the year. I'm like, you're up $700 million? He's like, no man, that's $7 billion. I was like, oh yeah.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
Yeah, look, that's Trump's DEI, Indian people, the dick-eating Indians. Dude, there's so many Indians that love Donald Trump, like Vivek Ramaswamy. Yeah. Some Indians, yeah. Another Harvard guy. Was he a Harvard guy? I'm pretty sure he's a Harvard guy. I mean, what a herb. If you don't know what a herb is, a herb is what we called people in the 90s when they were being herbs. Like, he's a herb.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
He ran for president and lost, obviously. And he ran for president, and his main thing, his opening line was, God is real. Why'd he make you 5'7", Vivek? That's the guy. I don't know if he's 5'7", but he has 5'7 energy. And then... I won't say his name again because if you say it more than three times, he just pops up behind you. Yeah, he pops up under the desk.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
And then there's Usha Vance. Usha Vance, yeah. Who I'm praying for. I'm hoping she has Stockholm Syndrome because otherwise... Why is she with J.D.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
She has to. And then... And then, of course, of course... The king. Kash Patel. I'm not saying shit about Kash Patel. I'm not trying to get one of these one-way tickets to El Salvador. But everyone else was fed game. If you don't know Kash Patel, you guys don't seem that concerned. But every Indian knows Kash Patel. But if you don't know him, he's the director of the FBI.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
And people don't seem worried about him. But his real name is Kashyap Pramod Vinod Patel. He grew up in racist-ass Long Island with the name Kashyap Pramod Vinod Patel. He is out for revenge. You should be very concerned. I'm not a man, I'm not a fan of the guy's politics, but if I get pulled over, that is my cousin. You don't see the resemblance?
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
I am going on tour soon. It's either, I mean, I need money. Okay. Like, I just had a kid. Congratulations, new father. Thank you. She is the biggest terror on my life. How old is she? She's six months old. Oh, new baby. She's fantastic. Putting her hands to work right away. She's busy making a phone right now. Okay. But in America.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
But, like, it's either that or commit white-collar crime. Like, I need to tour or commit white-collar crime. Doesn't seem like a ripe time to commit white-collar crime. This is the golden age of white-collar crime. This is, like, we should be embezzling. We should be ponzing right now. Oh, we are. We are. How do you insider trade? I need to know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
And you can get a few good tips on that platform. You can't commit an SEC violation if the SEC doesn't exist. You know what I mean? So let's steal. No, but I'm touring. I'm going to like... That was a step too far for the crowd. I know.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
Our Robin Hoods are safe. No. I'm going on tour. I'm going to, like, a bunch of, I'm starting at a bunch of clubs, because you know how it is. You got to build the set at a bunch of clubs, talk a bunch of shit, crash out. Yeah. And then... Oh, some young people in the room. Good. Crashing out, sir, is when you say some shit that you shouldn't say. I'm going to be doing that at a lot of shows.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
I'm not going to go full Kanye. I think this whole interview has been a definition.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
But as a Harvard alum, and as you know I am as well... I know many alums, including people I know very closely and faculty members like me. I know you look really surprised because I'm wearing a tie you've never seen before. It has... It has a little Latin word inside each one of those symbols there. The word veritas, meaning truth, of course. And this is the one night.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
It's a one night only appearance of this tie.
The Daily Show: Ears Edition
Harvard Rejects Trump Order, SCOTUS Gets Left on Read | Nimesh Patel
Let me just say confessionally, I went to Harvard College. Most of the good things that have happened to me in some way trace back to Harvard. You and I, as Harvard Americans, I first heard him speak as a guest lecturer at Harvard. Okay, well, I got into Harvard, too. In fact, it was the only college I applied to.
Today, Explained
Baby’s first gene edit
This week on Net Worth and Chill, I'm talking with comedian Nimesh Patel. From his days as an SNL writer crafting jokes for television's biggest stage to developing his own comedy specials, he's breaking down the business of funny money like nobody else can. How do you actually turn jokes into cash? What's the real hustle behind making people laugh for a living?
Today, Explained
Baby’s first gene edit
Nimesh tells all on building a comedy empire, navigating the entertainment industry, and turning his wit into wealth.
Today, Explained
Baby’s first gene edit
Whether you're an aspiring comedian or just curious about the money side of making people laugh, this episode is packed with insights you won't want to miss. Listen wherever you get your podcasts or watch on youtube.com slash yourrichbff.