Sarah Jakes Roberts
speaker
803 appearances
3 recordings
3 series
first heard Dec 2024
last heard 12 May
Sarah Jakes Roberts’s voice in public audio — every appearance, attributed to the second.
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recordings per month · last 12 monthsRecordings per month over the last 12 months — 1 in all, peaking in May 2026 with 1.
Appearances
You're able to incubate what really matters and push away that which would try to make you perform into someone you're not.
Probably fear of control.
Yeah, I think so. Fear of not even necessarily controlling another person, but controlling, mitigating opportunities for hurt.
Yes, fear of being out of control. So the more that I can control myself or control them, try and control the way that this relationship works, the better off I'll be. So I have a lot of, I feel safe. Yeah, I think, yeah, at the end of the day, I think people are searching for safety and safety and control often feel like they go hand in hand.
No, I don't think so.
If you do not feel safe by yourself and on your own, it's going to be difficult for you to feel safe in the context of a relationship. Because at the end of the day, you have to get to a place of safety for yourself. Emotional safety, spiritual safety, like you have to know where is your home plate.
And if you don't know your home plate and you just meet someone while you're out in the field running bases, then nobody knows where home is. So I have to know where my home plate is. What makes me feel safe is consistency, stability, rest makes me feel like I'm not an out being out on the town kind of person. Like I like to be at home. It makes me feel safe.
And so I know how to get myself to a space of safety. I know how to communicate to my husband because I know what is safe for me. what I need from him as well. And he knows what safety looks like for him as well. But when you don't know what it looks like, and there are times even in a marriage where you're just on autopilot, things are just going crazy.
And now you're trying to like control everyone else's movement. I think you have to know I am out of my safety. And because I am out of my safety, I am now in survival mode. And because I am in survival mode, I have a different set of expectations than when I'm functioning from a place of safety. When I'm in survival mode, if you have a bad day, I think you're about to break up with me.
Are you rejecting me? Did something go wrong? Because I don't feel safe by myself. But if we can get to a place of safety for ourselves, we can invite other people into the intimacy of our safety. We can visit the intimacy of their safety. And we can also give one each other space when that other person needs to get back to their place of safety.
I saw a very encouraging article that the divorce rates are actually going down because people have done a lot of work in therapy and understanding triggers and communicating, so marriage is becoming more safe than it once was. But I think that we also have a generation of women who...
feel like they saw a previous generation of women lose themselves in relationship lose their voice lose their ability to explore their creativity and their power to become subservient to whoever their partner was and i think there's a legitimate fear in that for women who feel like hey i do want to create a life with someone i do want to experience love
But I also want to be the fullness of who I am. And I'm not sure that the two can coexist. And they are so committed to preserving who they are that they don't want to take a chance on relationships. And I think that that is a fair perspective based off of what we can see.
But I do think that when we are in relationships with our partners, that we have to be willing to make space for the reality that Just because what we saw didn't seem healthy, it doesn't mean that we can't create something healthy.
And in wanting to create something healthy, you have to make sure that you and whoever you're going to build with want the same things. That you're willing to create your own definition of what love and marriage and partnership looks like. And that whatever that definition is, that you will commit to protecting your definition. Because it may not be the world's definition.
It may not be your parents definition or the church's definition or whatever. But you got to be willing to protect your definition so that you can have a bond that lasts throughout time. My husband and I like there are certain things we want for our family. There are certain things we want for our marriage. And we're often in worlds and cultures that don't always support that. Really?
But we know what it is.
For sure. Because it's going to take the strength of both of us to maintain the marriage that we want. It can't just be a one sided strength.
Yeah.
Well, my husband and I have a shared expression of faith. So I think making sure that you have a shared... expression of faith, not even just a shared faith, but what does this expression look like for you? How does it show up in your world? Because everybody who believes in God isn't trying to live a life of light, love and goodness and conviction and humility.
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