The End Is Here w/ Ari Shaffir | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

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2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer 1h 11m 3 speakers 8 chapters transcribed 1 month ago
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What is Ari Shaffir promoting at the start of the episode?

Bert Kreischer 0:00
This is the best vodka in the world.

How does “The End” mark Ari’s return to long‑form storytelling?

Bert Kreischer 0:01
You're talking to a man who's put 10,000 hours into a couple things.

Why do Tom and Bert keep joking about “big dicks and big chicks”?

Bert Kreischer 0:04
Eating pussy and drinking vodka.

What happened with the unreleased Tracy Morgan story?

Bert Kreischer 0:06
I'll bring my wife in if you want.

How did the chaotic morning‑show interview unfold?

Bert Kreischer 0:07
I'm pretty good at the first one too.

When and how can listeners join the 2 Bears 5K?

Bert Kreischer 0:08
But this is better than pussy.

What are the wild booze tales and sobriety influencer debates?

Bert Kreischer 0:10
This is the best vodka you're ever going to have.

What road‑trip anecdotes lead into the Tito’s Vodka wrap‑up?

Bert Kreischer 0:12
It's clean. I sleep court. My sleep scores through the roof because of it. It tastes clean. Everyone I've given it to loves this vodka. Tom, tell them.
Tom Segura 0:18
It's absolutely fantastic. We have a proprietary distillation process. And listen, we are winning competitions. We have gold medals in various competitions. And honestly, you the people are the ones telling us how great it is too. This is not just smoke. that we're blowing here. We're telling you because you're telling us. This is now your favorite vodka. So thank you. And if you haven't tried Poroso's, get out to the store. If they don't carry it, tell them you want them to
Bert Kreischer 0:45
carry it. Tell them, request it. When you go to the bar, you say, hey, do you carry Poroso's? And if they say no, you go, you should. It's pretty freaking awesome. And then walk out. You know what I do? I go, do you carry Poroso's? And they say no. I bring out a bottle and give it to them. I go, now you do. Can I get a bottle, a glass of Poroso's? That's awesome. That's awesome. 100% Cheers.
Tom Segura 1:06
Welcome to another episode of Two Bears, One Cave. We're here in Austin, Texas, and joining us is somebody who wants to erase the people of Palestine.
Ari Shaffir 1:15
Give it up
Tom Segura 1:16
for Ari Shaffir,
Ari Shaffir 1:17
everybody. Thank you. It's not, please, I think it's already accomplished. Let's, let's, let's. Stephen King
Tom Segura 1:28
wants to write a book. Let's say this real quick because there's a lot to cover today. But your storytelling show that was once famously on a network that once thrived.
Bert Kreischer 1:43
Isn't
Tom Segura 1:43
that
Ari Shaffir 1:44
crazy that Comedy
Bert Kreischer 1:44
Central
Ari Shaffir 1:45
is just gone? It's so
Bert Kreischer 1:45
crazy.
Ari Shaffir 1:46
It's crazy two things. One, nobody knows Comedy Central. Two, nobody knows what a network is. I know. What do you
Tom Segura 1:52
think of somebody when they're like, do you see that new ABC show? And you're like, what? What fucking
Bert Kreischer 1:57
brain damage? Tell me the name of the show, you idiot. We have colleagues that will be like, I just booked a pilot. And you're like, oh, unbook it. Really? On CBS?
Tom Segura 2:06
So you brought it back. It's called The End.
Ari Shaffir 2:09
We brought it back.
Tom Segura 2:09
That we did. It's called The End. We here at YMH produced it. And I have to say, I've said this before. The lineup that you were able to procure for this
Ari Shaffir 2:23
is...
Tom Segura 2:23
It's pretty crazy. It's pretty crazy, dude. It's pretty crazy. You got Nate Bargatze. You got DiStefano, Gillis, Jordan Jensen. It's a long list. Jay Oakerson, Ali Sadiq, Miss Pat, on and on and on. And now
Ari Shaffir 2:36
it's out. It's out. It's out now.
Tom Segura 2:37
It's 420,
Ari Shaffir 2:38
guys. You should wait. If you've saved an episode, today's the day to watch. An
Tom Segura 2:42
important detail that is very Ari Shafir driven. You can buy... individual episodes you could buy the whole season, but every comedian participates in the back end.
Bert Kreischer 2:53
Everybody gets paid. You're the first person to pay us when you do a podcast. You'd be like, oh, here's like 200 bucks for your ad reads. And it's crazy because
Tom Segura 3:01
your people's reputation. It's
Ari Shaffir 3:03
not notoriously your thing. I've got to fight uphill.
Tom Segura 3:04
It's
Bert Kreischer 3:04
an
Tom Segura 3:04
uphill battle. It is. I always thought you'd be like, you were on my show, give me a dollar. But you actually share.
Ari Shaffir 3:11
I don't know if you realize how offensive that impression of me is. Because I have a deep voice. But it is.
Tom Segura 3:21
I'll say this, man. It came out fantastic. It came out so
Ari Shaffir 3:25
good. It's the
Tom Segura 3:25
concept that you came up with that was always so fun to do live.
Ari Shaffir 3:29
Yeah, you guys all
Tom Segura 3:30
did them. We all did the YouTube version. What fun times. And the Comedy Central version. But this is the
Ari Shaffir 3:36
final
Tom Segura 3:36
version.
Ari Shaffir 3:37
end form of this the final info i was just remembering just right now is when we were shooting the like early early stuff on youtube um that's not happening yeah and we were doing some run around scene and then i had to like pull my pants down to my boxers yeah and then you go and there's all these extras in the front row of that strip club and you're like they're like all right one more time one last time and then you're just like dick out this time right and i was like oh

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Chapters

8 chapters
1 What is Ari Shaffir promoting at the start of the episode? 0:00–0:01 2 How does “The End” mark Ari’s return to long‑form storytelling? 0:01–0:04 3 Why do Tom and Bert keep joking about “big dicks and big chicks”? 0:04–0:06 4 What happened with the unreleased Tracy Morgan story? 0:06–0:07 5 How did the chaotic morning‑show interview unfold? 0:07–0:08 6 When and how can listeners join the 2 Bears 5K? 0:08–0:10 7 What are the wild booze tales and sobriety influencer debates? 0:10–0:12 8 What road‑trip anecdotes lead into the Tito’s Vodka wrap‑up? 0:12–1:11:47

Speakers

3 identified
Bert Kreischer 34 min Tom Segura 13 min Matt Chandler

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