Chapter 1: What graduation stories do Dax and Monica share?
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dan Rogers and I'm joined by Lily Padman.
Hi.
Today we have crazy graduation stories. It's that time of year.
It is. Happy graduation. Congratulations. Congratulations.
Congratulations, graduates. Yes. Are you starting to see people around town in there? And their hats and gowns. There's fun Saturday lunches because the family's in town.
No.
It's so fun.
It is fun. One of your children is graduating.
Yeah. I mean, they do a graduation now for every single grade.
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Chapter 2: How did the graduation celebrations change during COVID?
I like to be in bed by seven.
Okay, so you have a crazy graduation story.
Yes. I'll go with the name Patricia. I don't want to get anybody in trouble. It's also my drunk alter ego name, so it felt fitting. Okay. Great.
Where are you from originally?
I'm from Virginia.
Oh, okay, great.
So my girlfriend and I, at the time, we decided to have our graduation party joint together. at a brewery that was about an hour away from our school because her parents happened to know the owners.
Your college graduation?
College graduation, yes. 2021. So we go, we get there. I, for some reason, scheduled a job interview at the same exact time as our party. So I show up, I'm wearing my blazer over my party outfit. I go into the tap room. I take my interview. Everybody else is partying, having a great time. Oh, cause it's on zoom. Yeah. COVID post COVID. So I had applied to so many jobs.
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Chapter 3: What humorous graduation mishaps occurred during the party?
I'm like, we got to do this. So we get on and we go down this big hill and then there's a river and a lot of land at the bottom. We get down there. I've got like three people on the back. People in the front seat with me, I'm having fun. I'm going to show off a little bit.
Okay, sure, sure.
So I'm going to do some donuts. And so I turn it real hard and I just gun it. And of course, it flips. Of course, of course.
And you got chocked full of passengers.
I jump off. I got my fight or flight... A couple people in the back, they fall over. I look around. The gator has landed on top of my girlfriend. Keep in mind, her whole family is there. We haven't been dating that long, a couple months. My other friends in the back, they're kind of beat up, but it's not too bad. People start running over. They have to lift the gator off of her.
Oh, this is the nightmare.
I look at her and it's like this color that I've never seen in her face. She's not crying. It's just like white mixed with yellow. I can only describe it like you just know there's bones that are broken. And so immediately my stomach just drops. And so they get her in the gator and they drive her back up to go to the urgent care. And I'm sitting there just taking it all in.
I get up to the top of the hill. Her mom gives me this look like, you really did it.
Wow. Yeah, yeah. Did they think you were a bad influence already? Yeah. I mean, who says this? You know?
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Chapter 4: What unexpected events happened during the graduation dinner?
That's where I live. Chicago's not that big. It's not like L.A. also this is the same for michigan like i was in milford highland wald lake dearborn and detroit
I know, but all you guys just act like you're right by where it is and you're not.
She's so jealous.
I will say Bucktown and Wicker Park are connected. So in this instance, I got your back.
I lived in Wicker Park at one point too. In the stadium. Yes. Okay. You have a crazy graduation story.
I do. So to set the stage, I am in a master's program at the University of Illinois at Chicago 2021.
What's the graduate degree in? I must know.
You know, I was a little worried you'd ask this, actually, because it's weird. It was half medical, half design. It was called biomedical visualization. Wow. One of the easiest things to think about is, you know, during COVID, when that image of the virus, the like red one with the spiky balls came out, that was made by somebody who went to school where I did. Oh. Oh, interesting.
Okay, so they can make artist renderings of biological things.
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Chapter 5: How did the night take a turn for the worse at the party?
But I guess my thought is...
You just don't trust doctors who can play ukulele.
No, no, no, no, no, no. The point wasn't that she wanted to hear a song on the ukulele. It's that she wanted to see her daughter play at her other daughter's wedding. This doctor.
Well, clearly that's what it was. And he was like, let me try to. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He was trying to go like, well, let me give you the next best thing. I know.
I just like. I don't know why I said ew.
Yeah, I appreciate your honesty.
Yeah.
I don't think you trust doctors who play ukuleles.
Maybe.
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Chapter 6: What was the aftermath of Tyler's injury during the graduation party?
And so she jumps out of the car. She runs over to them. And she's like, you guys gotta help my friend. It's, like, his dick or something. It's bleeding. You gotta help him. The cops come running over. And they're like... hey, man, you got to tell us what's up. We're calling an ambulance, but you got to tell us. And he's like, nope, just call the ambulance.
And they're like, it's coming, but we got to tell the EMTs what we're working with. And he just sits there and he just goes, I ripped my fucking ball sack open, okay? Oh.
Oh.
Because when he was jumping off the fence or something.
No. I don't have the fact on this because he never spoke about it again. But everyone jumped a fence and we don't think Tyler cleared the fence and he ripped open.
Oh, mama.
These cops are young, too, and they're like giggling. They love it. Megan is like dry heaving because she's like nutsack blood all over my new car. But the ambulance shows up, takes Tyler. Megan volunteers to go with him. They leave and then the cops turn to me and Shelby and they're like, you guys are a mess. So you're not getting anywhere near a car. And we're like, we'll walk back.
It's like miles away. And they're like, no, you can't walk back. We have to see you off safely. So why don't you get in the back of the cruiser and we'll take you home.
You're going to bring the cops to the party. Oh, yeah.
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Chapter 7: How did the graduation day unfold for the guest?
So I'm looking up and there's 10-ish minutes left before we're supposed to kind of get our seats and the whole thing's going to get rolling.
Really quick, I need to know, what did you eat at the steakhouse? The 12-ounce filet. Okay. All right. No seafood? No, no.
I stuck to the red meat. Honestly, in hindsight, I wish I'd had the seafood because there's about 10 or 9 minutes left. I'm wearing a cap and a gown, and we're outside, and I'm feeling great. And so I was just kind of farting it up a little bit, like subtly. But there's some mixed nerves, and I've also just eaten a bunch of steak in the last hour. And I'm a guy. Yeah. And you've had some beers.
Yeah, I had a couple beers. And I, what do you guys call it? An unauthorized evacuation?
Yes, that's right. That's a technical term.
Thank you. So I'm talking to my friends. I just got to let out a tiny little fart. And I immediately felt something wet come out. I froze and I try to play it super cool. My face got immediately red. I'm looking around. I'm like, there is no chance that just happened. We've all had that experience probably at least once. I'm literally standing there looking around, begin panicking.
My heart is pounding through my chest. I know for a fact, I just had an unauthorized evacuation in my pants. And sizable, it sounds like. Decent size. It was just, Really wet was the problem. It wasn't like something just sitting in my underwear. Like my boxers were just wet.
Were you only wearing underwear?
No, I had slacks on. I looked good. I had slacks and I had a button down tucked in. I was wearing a bow tie.
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Chapter 8: What lessons did the guest learn from their graduation experience?
And you all knew. And I know you do. And he knows. And I love it. You would wipe that butt all day long. Stop it. Wouldn't you?
Yes.
I think I would clean his butt.
Speaking of changing, I gotta go change my pants too. Alright, love you. Love you.
Do you want to sing a tune or something? We don't have a theme song. Oh. Okay, great.
We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of our cherries, we'll get some suggestions. On the Flyer Rhyme Edition.
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