Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Monica Padman.
It's your favorite day.
It's my favorite day. And I'm shocked there's always been three. We must be titling them different.
We're titling them different.
We must be. But this is Unauthorized Evacuation 3. Tell us about an unexpected evacuation. And they're always beautiful and endearing and life-affirming.
It's the thing that's going to bring us together.
Yeah, we can all relay or most of us. And if you can't relate yet, you will relate at some point in your life.
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Chapter 2: What unexpected events led to an unauthorized evacuation?
Please enjoy Unauthorized Evacuations.
Hello. Hi, Dax and Monica.
Kayla, are you from a long line of Kalas? Are you the first?
I'm the first, Kayla. My dad said he found it while sitting on the toilet in the baby book. So that's how I got my name.
Oh, wonderful. He was leafing through it.
The best ideas can come to you on the toilet.
Yeah. Also, I mean, pretty good dad. I don't know when you were born, but probably 90s. Were you born in the 90s?
Yeah, 96.
The fact that he's taking time to read a baby-naming book, not probably super typical.
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Chapter 3: How did stress impact the guest's health leading up to the evacuation?
Yeah, and I mean, on the toilet, maybe that's how we got to this story. Oh, yeah.
And if we make the opposite argument, you could also argue he only read it because he was stuck on the toilet and there was nothing else to read. No, but we're glass half full here. Where are you, Kayla?
I'm in Orange County.
And it happens even in sunny California, unauthorized evacs.
Sad, I don't like hearing that. Well, we know that's true. It's happened to both of us.
Personally, yeah.
Honestly, it wasn't my proudest at first, but, you know, since been telling to like break the ice at work and at parties and, you know, it's funny now. So that's great.
All right. Walk us through it. Tell us the year. What was happening?
So it was 2019. I was freshly in college. I honestly was like very, very stressed at the time. I was working a full time job at a makeup counter and then a part time job at this snow cone place. And then I was also going to school full time. Wow. I set that up to say I was very, very stressed. My GI wasn't exactly working.
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Chapter 4: What humorous incidents occurred during the evacuation?
And then, yeah, just like this cute little shirt. I had to wear all black to work. Anyways, I'm going to walk around the back of my counter. And I got a second to breathe. And I was like, okay, I'll just let it go right here. So I let it go. And all of a sudden, I feel something running down my spine.
Are you in the center of the store or are you behind the counter?
My counter is in the center of the store. And then I kind of have this little loop behind my counter where I can kind of hide from the rest of the people in the store. So that's kind of where I am because I was like, okay, no one's in the back here. Let me just step to the side.
But it is a public part of the store.
My customer totally could have seen me, and it's a very busy Saturday. Oh. I was like, oh no, something's running down my leg. I was like, what did I take? So I go run to the back of the store where the bathroom is, assess the situation, and I'm just covered.
You're covered.
Diarrhea all over my thong, inside of my skirt.
In your shirt, because it was tucked in.
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Chapter 5: What challenges did the guest face while working at a busy store?
In your shirt? Skirt and shirt. My shirt was tucked into my skirt.
Oh. Full wardrobe, took out the whole wardrobe.
Literally took out the whole wardrobe. I'm like panicking now. Thank God no one's in the bathroom the same time as I am. But I'm taking all the toilet paper, just like trying to like get it off myself. I throw away my thong because I'm like, there's no saving this thing. And I'm panicking. I'm like, what did I take? What do I do? I don't even know. I'm panicking. I'm not thinking.
And I live right across the street at the time. Like literally, like I could have walked home, but I obviously didn't for obvious reasons. I get out of the bathroom. I see my manager in passing and I say, hey, I got to go. Emergency. I'll be back. And she was like, everything OK? And I was like, I got to go. So I just booked it out of the store. Yeah. I sit in my car, can't believe that happened.
I'm like crying. I'm like, oh my gosh, like what am I doing? And I look at the pill bottle, type in the name of the pill into Google. Sure enough, it's a laxative. And I was not supposed to take it until I was at home or by a toilet.
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Chapter 6: How did the guest's situation escalate in the store?
Yeah.
Yeah. Not at work. Probably the one they give you for a colonoscopy cleanse.
Like probably a powerful enema.
Yeah.
Oh, that's what my friend was saying. She was like, sounds very similar to when I had mine. I was like, okay, great. But anyways, I have to go back to work. I need this job. I can't just like not show back up. I don't know what I was thinking. I probably could have called, but it was a busy Saturday. So run home. I get changed. Don't think anything of it. And I'm like, I'm in the clear.
That emptied me all out. I'll be fine.
Well, this is a two-parter.
Maybe a three or four-parter. I don't know. Thankfully not a two-parter, but it's not the best situation I get back. I get back and it's still busy in the store. And I'm now in like full heavy sweats just because nerves or whatever, maybe the laxative. I don't really know. But I'm by my counter and my counter was like packed before. There's not a soul to be seen, but the store is still busy.
I was like, oh my gosh, just because I'm not here for a second. No one wanted to help me. Like what's going on? And so I'm walking around the counter and I'm like, oh, my gosh, like something smells really bad over here.
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Chapter 7: What embarrassing aftermath followed the evacuation incident?
Go through the tapes. Oh my God, it was Kayla. Maybe customers complain like there's shit on the floor of your store. And it came to her. She had to review the tapes. Otherwise, she wouldn't have even known if it's not that she didn't see it in action. Someone would have told her, watch the tapes.
Basically, what she wanted to get to was like, hey, when you shit on the floor, you got to tell me because customers complained and then I got called. And then she panicked when you stonewalled her.
Interesting.
That's also very plausible.
I know, but my guess would be that the customer would go to someone in the store. They're not going to wait till they get home and call the corporate. They're going to go. So I'm like, hey, there's something going on back there.
I would agree with you, Monica. I mean, where we live, the complaints we got in our store were like crazy. But weeks later.
The reason I think we can rule out someone flagged a manager in the store is the manager would have dealt with the shit on the ground. So the manager couldn't have known real time.
But I just think it's weird that they would call corporate instead of just asking someone up front like, hey.
Some bougie people, they live to call that number. It's on speed dial. They're horny.
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Chapter 8: How does the guest reflect on the experience years later?
Can I ask really quickly, how long do you think the duration was of that whole project? Because my hunch is you're gone kind of a while. My absence was noted for sure.
They probably thought you were par sick from the bus ride.
That's right. That would be a generous bumpy ride.
That's what I would think.
Oh, he's got a sick tummy. So then you're teaching for the next three hours and insanely self-conscious about my sitting over here. Am I trying to hide myself behind books and desks? And I'm not really probably getting up and engaging as much as I should. It's just a weird feeling to not have underwear on in front of a classroom of children. Yeah. In khakis too, I'll add.
Because there's a lot of room for a lot of slip slappy and bouncing.
Oh no.
General penis and testicle plug.
Oh no. Yeah. Did you feel like I'm not a pervert, but like I'm behaving like one.
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