Laser Stories (8/5/26)

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Brooke and Jeffrey 14 min 9 speakers 8 chapters transcribed 1 month ago
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What is the podcast’s opening promo and who are the hosts introducing the show?

Fred Armisen (ad/clip) - Not a show guest 0:00
Hey, Portlandia fans.
Carrie Brownstein 0:01
Carrie Brownstein and Fred Armisen here.
Fred Armisen (ad/clip) - Not a show guest 0:03
The dream of the 90s is alive in podcast form.
Carrie Brownstein 0:06
We're launching Podlandia AO Rewatch, our brand new podcast where we revisit every episode of Portlandia together, breaking down sketches, going deep on our iconic characters, and pulling back the curtain on how it all got made.
Fred Armisen (ad/clip) - Not a show guest 0:18
And we'll also be joined by the people who helped bring it all to life. Guest stars, collaborators, and friends, including director Jonathan Kreisel, the mayor himself, Kyle McLaughlin, legendary musician Amy Mann, and many more.
Carrie Brownstein 0:30
Kyle is going for it here. You fully improvised not just words, but a song, a melody.
Kyle MacLachlan 0:35
Well, I thought you were all going to write a song.
Carrie Brownstein 0:37
I remember you thinking that. Listen to Podlandia, AO Rewatch on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Joe Jonas 0:47
What's up, fam? I'm sports journalist Ari Chambers. Hey, what's up, y'all? It's your girl, Sam Jay. And we're the hosts of Everyone Watches Women's Sports, a new podcast from Together and iHeart Women's Sports. We're breaking down the biggest headlines.
Sam Jay 0:58
Naomi Osaka showing out. Shout-outs to you, Naomi. The viral moments. I've been obsessed with Kashawn Rock's boxing journey. She looks good. Her combos are swift.
Joe Jonas 1:07
And the stories everyone's talking about across women's sports.
Sam Jay 1:10
Because everyone watches women's sports. Listen to Everyone Watches Women's Sports on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hayes Davenport 1:17
Hey, this is Hayes Davenport. And Sean Clements. We host the podcast Hollywood Handbook. Every episode we're trying to help our guests improve their careers by mainly focusing on how they can help us improve our careers.
Unknown 1:30
The show's famously super accessible, so you can easily jump into any of our 650 episodes and understand what's going on.
Hayes Davenport 1:36
We recommend some of our recent episodes with Ben Stiller, Danny McBride, Riz Ahmed, and Mary Steenburgen.
Unknown 1:41
Listen to Hollywood Handbook on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Chelsea Handler 1:47
This is Chelsea Handler from Dear Chelsea.

How does the episode transition from promos to the first “Laser Story” about the restaurant dress‑code hack?

Chelsea Handler 1:49
Every week the news gets worse, the world gets crazier, and Yamanika is here to tell whoever's responsible, you're the problem.
Sam Jay 1:57
Do you know I just found out who Sidney Sweeney was? If he got a bunch of women, then I should have a bunch of men. Do better or do less so I don't have to do so much. I'm Yamanika and I'm out. Listen to You're the Problem with Yamanika on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Nick Turturro 2:17
I'm Nick Turturro. You probably know me from NYPD Blue, The Longest Yard, or Spike Lee's Black Klansman. And on my new podcast, Delivering Happiness with Nick Turturro, I deliver pizza to a new guest. I've shared a slice with everyone from Seth Rollins. What are you doing with my belt?
Savannah James 2:32
To Bill Burr. I don't think I've ever met somebody so exactly out of their mind as I am.
Nick Turturro 2:38
And now we even have more great guests coming up, including the great John Turturro. It's called happiness. Delivering happiness. And many, many more. Open your free iHeartRadio app. Search delivering happiness with Nick Turturro. And listen now.
Joe Jonas 2:57
It's the radio segment that's helping Grandma regain her confidence with new Victoria's Secret adult diapers. Hey, get it, Granny. Good for you. The world's first G-string diaper with matching garter belt attached. I can smell the secret. How does it keep anything in? Leak-a-less, strut more. Okay. With laser stories, a segment where we read weird news stories around the globe just like everyone else does, except we've got a laser. Yes. Those other flirtatious fossils just don't. This... First laser story is out of Los Angeles. Two friends, Katie Novak and Mike Perfettuo, met up for dinner last week, but they encountered a tiny issue at the restaurant check-in area.

What clever costume swap did Katie Novak and Mike Perfettuo use to get past the restaurant’s dress rules?

Joe Jonas 3:39
Apparently, Mike was wearing a sleeveless shirt, and it turns out guys aren't allowed inside with that kind of attire. Boo! You suck! I mean, some restaurants are like that. You can't wear sandals. Some even say no shorts, you know? Yeah. The hostess directed them to the rules, which were posted outside the restaurant, and that's when the two came up with a clever idea.

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