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Chapter 1: How did Claudius become emperor after Caligula's death?
Thank you.
Welcome back to Finverse History. I'm joined by Horatio Gould. This is part two of the Claudius story. We're back in ancient Rome. Now, we left off with a quivering disabled man who'd been flung from behind a curtain. As Caligula lay dead on the floor, his baby had been taken off the stumps. And he is made emperor by the Praetorian Guard. Much to everyone's surprise. Yeah.
And this is where, now, Claudius Truthers, Claudius conspiracy theorists would say that he had a part in Caligula's demise.
Well, we have no idea what happened sequentially. in this event, because it sort of reads a bit like a myth, right? We don't know how much is true. All we seemingly do know is that he bribed the Praetorian Guard loads and loads of money.
Chapter 2: What role did bribery play in Claudius's rise to power?
But he had cash ready to go, which implies that he was in on a plan to murder Caligula. The disabled...
noncy uncle yeah he's not noncy he's not noncy we've got to give him his juice he's actually a cuckold he's a nonce cuck now that is a combination yes the very very rare i want to i want to watch you commit pedophilia yeah is that what it is who are you here to watch me are you watching me meet someone here That's just fascinating. The nonce cuck. Yeah. Wow. Who are you here to watch me?
You here to watch me meet someone? Let me meet someone in peace. That's great. If you're a nonce cuck, let us know in the comments. I've not even heard of that concept.
The nonce cuck. Can we get different pictures of different cuck seating arrangements?
Chapter 3: What were Claudius's major accomplishments as emperor?
Because it's one of my favorite things on Twitter is in like new hotels or like hotel rooms where you find different, like the cuck command center.
I've seen the cuck command center. Yeah.
So there's always the classic where you put your feet up, but that's a bit more too leisurely.
Yeah. Yeah. This one's great. This one's great. Yeah.
So that means that you can get also,
yeah that means that you're taking it very seriously an executive cuck chair yeah yes uh well that's when you've got business to do whilst being cuckolded and that's part of the great thing about being a cuck is that it does open up time for you to get on with other things exactly yeah i don't have to i can you know my wife is being satisfied yeah and i'm being satisfied watching it but at the meantime i'm dealing with my emails
As we've said before, the female equivalent is a coqueen. I can't remember what part of this we came up with, what episode this was on. I guess that doesn't get talked about as much. The coqueen is the wife of an adulterous husband.
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Chapter 4: How did Claudius's personal life impact his reign?
The gender opposite of a cuckold.
I guess because the cuck, when it's a man, it attacks your masculinity.
Yes, it's very gendered. It's very gendered, the notion of the cuck, isn't it?
But a cuck queen, it doesn't feel to attack someone's femininity because it's almost built into femininity you're getting cheated on. Do you know what I mean? It doesn't seem to be an attack on your gender.
No.
Being cuckolded if you're a woman compared to if you're a man.
But I guess if you're being cuckolded as a man, what is that doing to the woman? It's kind of irrelevant almost, isn't it? It's all about the male experience.
The woman's a prop.
Yeah.
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Chapter 5: What infamous actions did Messalina take during Claudius's rule?
But in cuckweening, the male is known as the hot husband and the other female is known as the cupcake.
The cupcake? The cupcake.
Yeah, still pretty objectifying, I think. Cuckweening is often known as... Wait, hot husband is like hot desking.
I guess it is, actually. Yeah. I'm hot husbanding.
You're renting out your husband.
Yeah.
For cut cakes.
Cut cakes. Cut cakes is a strange... It's too close to cupcakes, which is a child's cake. Yeah. Let's be honest.
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Chapter 6: How did Claudius handle political violence and conspiracies?
Or cut the cake.
Cut cake. But we're not talking about that. We're talking about one of the great cucks of all time.
One of the great cucks of all time. The cuck goat. He was the cuck goat. Cuck goat. He was not a nonce cuck. No. But that has whetted my appetite to try and see if such a man exists. Charlie, little task for this episode. Find me an example if one exists of a nonce cuck. Yes. Anyway, Claudius bribes the Praetorian guard straight away.
Chapter 7: What led to Claudius's downfall and death?
Who make him emperor straight away? So there's clearly some kind of arrangement. And so he gives them 15,000 sesterces.
What's that in modern money?
Charlie's looking for a nonce card. We can't, we don't know. I think at one point we found out it was pretty much equivalent to pounds, but I think that's, I doubt that. That's bollocks. The first thing he does as emperor is, and I'm devastatingly sad, he invades Britain. Yes. He conquers. Yes, he conquers Britain. He is the, you know, the whole story.
When we were at school and we learned about the Romans in Britain, it's Claudius.
He's our enemy.
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Chapter 8: How is Claudius remembered in history compared to other emperors?
For sure. But the reason why he does it is because he's got an insecure route to power. His lineage is a bit wishy-washy. He's a loser who drools and laughs inappropriately.
he wants to open his kind of tenure with a big alpha male win yes and he depicts himself in pictures as a sort of rapist there's like you've seen this there's like posters of what would be of him of like Britannia as this woman who's trying to get away from him and he's raping her but then politically that was seen as like a brilliant thing
That was seen as like a cool, that's like, that's good PR.
Well, again, this, you know, this is the opposite of today, as we've said, in that rape is a positive PR move.
Yeah, brilliant. You know. He's not, he's not anywhere near, he couldn't rape a fucking fly. He wouldn't rape a fly.
Yeah, nowadays.
Is that Claudius raping Britain?
Where's... Oh, right. See, nowadays, you know... Nowadays, that's fucking... Not fucking these days. These days, that's nowadays, except Claudius is Sadiq Khan. Yeah. Raping London. Right. Gang-banging London with a series of emissions policies. Yeah.
anyway um no but nowadays obviously any public figure is you know so that has pr teams to try and distance themselves from any hint of rape yeah you don't want to hint it's not a politician with a hint of rape you really don't want any of that you don't even enter this brave salmon swimming upstream oh no i rape i'm a rapist vote for me maybe it will work it's a single issue party
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