TPP 088: Jessica Lahey Talks About the Gifts of Failure for Our Kids
episode
Full-Tilt Parenting: Strategies, Insights, and Connection for Parents Raising Neurodivergent Children
43 min
2 speakers
8 chapters
transcribed 9 hours ago
Transcript
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Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
What is the core idea behind Jessica Lahey’s “The Gift of Failure”?
The the big thing that gift of failure is about is about trying to get our kids back into a state where they're intrinsically motivated to want to do stuff, not because we're dangling carrots in front of them or making sticker charts or threatening them or promising to pay them for grades. And one of the ways we can do that is by engaging them in the process because that's giving them autonomy over the details of their lives.
Welcome to Tilt Parenting, a podcast featuring interviews and conversations aimed at inspiring, informing, and supporting parents raising differently wired kids. I'm your host, Debbie Rever, and today I'm so excited to be bringing you my conversation with Jessica Leahy. Jessica is an educator, writer, and speaker, and she's the author of one of my most favorite parenting books, The Gift of Failure, How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed. Jessica is also an English and writing teacher, a correspondent for The Atlantic, commentator for Vermont Public Radio, and she writes the Parent Teacher Conference column for the New York Times. In our conversation, we talk about how we can best prepare our kids for an independent, successful adulthood in the way we practice autonomy, supportive parenting versus over-parenting, what it means to let our kids fail to help them thrive.
and how we can help our kids learn how to sit with frustration. So many great nuggets from this interview. I hope you enjoy it. And if you aren't already signed up for my Tilt Parenting newsletter, I'd love for you to join me. Every Thursday I send out a short email including a quick note for me, a link to that week's podcast episode, highlights of any upcoming events, and links to five must-read articles from the news that week that are relevant to parents of differently wired kids. Just visit tiltparenting.com and sign up at the bottom where it says join the revolution. Thank you so much. And now here is my conversation with Jessica. Hey Jessica, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for having me.
This is a conversation I've been wanting to have with you for so long. So I'm just thrilled to bring you on. But in case our listeners aren't as familiar with your story as I am, would you mind just before we get into the meat of your book, The Gift of Failure, could you tell us a little bit about who you are and your background and how you got into the work that you're doing?
Yeah, sure thing. So I um I've been a teacher for almost twenty years. Uh I actually went to law school to do juvenile law. I was I had a job all lined up. I was positive that's what I was gonna do. And then I was asked to teach a class and and uh that was sort of it. I came home that first day understanding that teaching was what I was gonna be doing. Um so I finished law school and went straight into teaching afterwards and About, you know, six years ago or so I've always been a writer, but about six years ago I started writing about education specifically and sort of the art and craft of teaching. And that has just sort of over very slowly led to, you know, writing for the Atlantic and uh writing a column for three years in the New York Times called the Parent Teacher Conference and uh the book The Gift of Failure.
So it's been just an awesome ride and uh And it was funny, when I first started writing about education, I thought it was really just for me to sort of record what I was doing in my classroom because I was fairly sure no one wanted to read about teaching. And I've been really, really happy to be wrong. And I was it's been such an honor to sort of be at the confluence of education and parenting and um help both sides talk to each other. Um, I I sort of was feeling like it was becoming increasingly adversarial. And so having a part in um helping teachers talk to parents and parents talk to teachers and and get the communication lines back open has been such an honor.
Well, it's such a valuable point of view too. I mean, I think as parents, we often feel like it's a mysterious relationship and especially parents raising differently wired kids, we feel we don't want to have an adversarial relationship or we we feel like we don't know how to navigate that relationship.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the core idea behind Jessica Lahey’s “The Gift of Failure”?
0:00–5:56
2
How did Jessica’s career path lead her to write about parenting and education?
5:56–11:33
3
What motivated Jessica to shift from law school to teaching and writing?
11:33–17:45
4
How does letting kids fail help them develop intrinsic motivation?
17:45–23:16
5
What real‑life example shows the power of allowing a child to struggle?
23:16–28:01
6
Why do extrinsic rewards (stickers, money) undermine long‑term learning?
28:01–32:55
7
How can parents support executive‑function challenges while still giving autonomy?
32:55–38:26
8
What practical tips improve the parent‑teacher partnership?
38:26–43:34
Speakers
2 identifiedMore from Full-Tilt Parenting: Strategies, Insights, and Connection for Parents Raising Neurodivergent Children
TPP 266a: A Conversation with Poet and Advocate LeDerick Horne
TPP 522: A Whole Child Approach to ADHD with Phil Boucher, M.D.
TPP 091a: A Conversation With Steve Silberman About His Book “Neurotribes”
TPP 521: A Conversation with Dr. Peter Gray About Restoring Childhood
TPP 253a: Advocate and Author Jonathan Mooney on Why Normal Sucks
TPP 520: Dr. Özgür Bolat on Why Rewards Backfire and the Real Science of Motivating Kids