Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at deathsquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at tonyhinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to sunsetstripatx.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Back on my stand-up tour at the end of January, hitting all the spots that I didn't hit on the Fully Grown Tour before this. Vancouver, Portland, and Seattle, you're next. January 25th, 26th, and 27th. And then Los Angeles, California, I do stand-up. Denver, Colorado, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Boston, Baltimore, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston. St.
Louis, Nashville, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. I'm so pumped for these upcoming dates. Really excited for you to see it. Taking some of my favorite openers with me. You may recognize some of them. Get tickets now at TonyHinchcliffe.com. This is going to be my last stretch of the stand-up tour for the rest of 2024. It's all just performing in Austin and Kill Tony from there.
So hope to see you soon.
Shit, that was fast. Thank y'all, y'all. Thank y'all, y'all. Thank y'all, y'all, y'all, y'all.
Yes, everyone. Here we go. Here comes Heath.
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Chapter 2: What upcoming stand-up tour dates are announced?
Oh, shit. Okay. Fuck yes. Make some fucking noise for Heath Cordes. I sometimes tell people that I was never born.
And that I have been present through all of what has been and what will be. See, I came into existence before the earth and stars and I will be here on the day they fall because I am ageless.
but yet old enough to fuck your mother.
You gotta stop buying them suits from the car wash, nigga. Hey, motherfucker, the Mexicans caught you coming, nigga. My friend, my friend, you want a suit? Did your, uh, did your gym burn down? Evidently he doesn't give a fuck how fat he gets. If y'all don't fuck with Kid Tony, you a pussy nigga.
Gang violence.
Gang violence. If you don't fuck with Tony Hinchcliffe, you a pussy nigga.
Suck my dick and my pussy and my crack. We'll be right back.
Oh, my God. He's licking the dog. I'm her mama.
Kurt Mesk, boy, you look like a useless ass man, nigga. His special power is that his toenails get real long, nigga.
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Chapter 3: What is the significance of the Kill Tony arena debut?
Why are you defending Seattle so much? Because my wife, Robin, we went there for like a rekindle the marriage trip. Right. You know, sometimes you got to keep things spicy, you know, just anal ain't enough sometimes. But now. So you started comedy seven years ago. And have you always been gay or when did that get going? That's a good question, Dr. Phil.
I came out after about a year of doing stand-up. Okay. Because I'd written a couple of jokes about being gay, and I was like, well, I've got to come out and talk about it. You can't just be gay and not come out. Yeah. You can't. All right. We'll be right back. No, we're going to keep her right here. All right. So now you don't always have a cameraman in the front row of your shows to a cost.
So how do you usually open your sets? A little bit of crowd work. Typically a guy sitting with a girl and I'll ask him if he's got a big dick. And typically he'll take a half a second to respond and she kind of will give it away. She gives away the game. So it's good to fuck with. Okay. That was just a basic answer.
Yeah.
No, I'm sorry. I just spaced out. But go ahead, Tony. It is surprising you don't seem gay. So when you came out, how did you do it? Okay, so I didn't act... I never have actually come out to anybody. It's just been telling a joke on stage about it. Wait, so are you coming out right now to your family? No.
Funny you should say that, Dr. Phil, because the way that my mom found out I was gay was by watching one of my stand-up sets on YouTube. Holy shit. Honey, why are you saying that you're a bottom? Do you mean you like bottomless breadsticks? I had to explain to her what a glory hole was. Oh, shit. That's a weird Thanksgiving. Wow. Pass the potatoes. So the top hole's for butt stuff.
Pass the carrots, Grandma. And the bottom hole... is for penis and butt stuff too. I'm just glad I'm not the only one that's been there, Dr. Phil. Now, have you used a glory hole? And that's the first time I've asked somebody that today. What was the question? Have you used, don't act like you didn't fucking hear me. I'm two feet away with a fucking microphone. Have you used a glory hole?
We'll cut to the tape if you don't want to tell the story. Yeah, 100%. You have? Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. Describe to us what, describe to us. First of all, ballpark, how many times have you used a glory hole?
lifetime maybe hold on a second the fact that you took a huff and a puff and a pause means bare minimum 52 times yeah it's somewhere in the upper 30s 40s you know but that was back whenever i was in the closet and i was kind of you know hold on i'm gonna check in with jetski johnson here were you also a bottom in the glory hole Uh, yeah. Oh my God, you put your asshole up to the glory hole?
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Chapter 4: Who is the special guest introduced during the episode?
They have custodians here. I'm sure this guy, this guy's got enough going on with his Herbert butts. You know what I'm saying? H-E-B Center doesn't need this fucking guy. What else other than delivering pizzas on icy roads? Uh, I've, uh, that's about it. I was a hitchhiking hippie for a few years and homeless. So that's coming up again here soon. Um, you know, uh, you've really done it all.
I've worked in a lot of kitchens, you know, a lot of kitchen work. Oh, good to know. Can you tell me what kitchens that I never eat there again? This is disgusting. This food tastes like shit. Wait, so you were a hitchhiking hippie. How long did that last? About two and a half years. Holy fucking shit. That's crazier than the glory hole story. Yeah. What type of kitchens did you work in?
Real hole in the walls? Funny. Funny. Real funny.
I think you worked at Whole Foods.
Wait, what did you say?
I think you worked at Whole Foods.
Whole Foods, yeah. Whole Foods or maybe Target. Okay, so kitchen, you hitchhike. What would be your go-to line? Pretend I'm someone driving, okay? Pretend I'm driving. Oh, yeah. We love a mobile doctor. Pretend I'm driving and you try to solicit a ride. Maybe your thumb or your cock is out, right? And I'm driving along. Give me some chill driving music, fellas. Yeah, some driving music. Perfect.
Maybe that's good. Driving music. We're driving. Yeah, this is what I listen to. Oh, man. Just trying to drive to Vegas. Hope I don't run into any gay guys.
Hey!
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Chapter 5: What tips can improve my intimate experiences?
I absolutely fucking love it. Can I ask a question, Tony? Yeah. Heath, I'm trying to upgrade my pussy-eating game, okay? Can you give me a couple quick tips? You just gotta gnaw on it. Like, you don't need anything else. No, okay, that's enough, Heath.
Chapter 6: How did the guest lose their virginity?
Wait, wait, with your teeth? No. Yeah, no. No, he... I'm not a dog trying to open a UPS package, motherfucker.
Chapter 7: What are the implications of not using protection?
No, stop doing that. It's not a bowl of Captain Crunch. It's a vagina. Okay, so nah on it. Is that what you said? Yeah, nah on it. So you lost your virginity last night? I did.
Wow.
Just for tonight. I needed a story. Did you use the condom?
I did not. We might get pregnant. We might have babies.
What the fuck is happening right now?
I don't know.
This child just said we might have babies.
We might have babies.
Wow. This is incredible. Cynthia, are you on any kind of birth control? I'll take that one, Tony.
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Chapter 8: What is the significance of the bucket poll in the show?
And we're going to keep it rolling right the fuck along. Just like that. How about a hand for Joe White here taking pictures? Yeah, baby. Shout out. There he is. Section 119. Pablo T, everybody. Pablo T. Where the fuck is 119? 119. Oh, God. This is going to be another out of breath motherfucker. Section 119, Pablo T. Maybe we'll pre-pull. Yeah. We're going to start to pre-pull here. Okay.
How about a hand for Dr. Phil, everybody? Having a great time. Having a great fucking time. And another hand for Heidi from the Yellow Rose on the ring card. Yeah. There she goes, there goes Cynthia. On her way to check herself for an STD.
From Heath. He was aware of protection last night. No surprise.
And he eats pussy like a rabbit. Eating carrots from the garden. Here's Pablo T, ladies and gentlemen, from the other side of the arena.
What the fuck is up, HEV?
Solid choice for a grocery store. It's a lot better than fucking Walmart. Y'all ever been to Walmart late on a Saturday evening? It's like the fucking Lord of the Rings orcs and the fucking lot lizards at your typical Texas highway had a baby, like a bunch of fucking babies. They just left them at Walmart, like a fucking daycare or something. But anyways, I've been back in Texas.
I used to live here when I was younger. My political views kind of lean to the left. A lot like my cog. Hold on, hold on, hold on. But much like my cog in Texas, the beautiful state of Texas, I'm leaning towards the right more, guys. Yes, sir. Show them 2024.
I'm just fucking, I'm playing to the crowd right now, honestly. But yeah, that's all I got, guys. All right. Very mediocre set from Pablo T. Pablo, how long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first comedy show, my first time ever doing stand-up in my life. Wow, okay. Have you ever done anything on stage before?
Yeah, I've performed in this building, in the center ring, riding motorcycles in a cage at a circus. Okay, I can kind of see that. You seem fearless with no material. Dr. Phil?
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