Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV.
And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redneck coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hensley!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for goddamn Red Band right here. Oh, shit. We're in it tonight. You did it. You made it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Game Time, Skylight Frame, DraftKings, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, and Gel Blaster. And we're going to have a lot of fun tonight.
How about one more time for the fucking band, huh? And you guys watching at home don't know this, but sometimes we have special guests swing by and do unbelievable music appearances, because this is Austin, Texas, the live music comedy capital of the world. And how about one more time what you guys saw? Wynonna Judd is in the house tonight, everybody. Absolute fucking goddess of rock and roll.
An unbelievable performance. I got shivers from that. Chills. Chills to the absolute bones. And amazing stuff. You never know what's going to happen here. Highly recommend checking out the show live. Did you guys have fun yet already, huh? Before we start tonight's podcast, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Who's ready to have the best goddamn time of their lives, huh? You're in it tonight. This is just one of those fucking episodes where everything is perfect. It's just fucking perfect. The machine gets to breathe and no one possibly better is tonight's guest. I love this man. He's been on the show many times before.
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Chapter 2: Who are the special guests tonight?
One of the best comedians in the world. One of the best right now. One of the best ever. And we're going to have so much fucking fun. Let's see how loud this place can get for the great and powerful Jim Norton. Welcome back, Jim. Thank you. Such a goddamn pleasure to have you. I love it. One of the fucking greats.
Thank you.
A true fucking killer. New Yorker. Nicky and Jim NYC on YouTube. Their new podcast, Sword Fight. Tickets available. One of the great live comedians in the world. JimNorton.com, so check them out. And Jim, you know how it works. A bunch of fucking souls signed up for the opportunity. Probably, how many tonight, Yoni? Ballpark? 200? Yeah, somewhere around there always.
Who's going in?
2.30, Jesus fucking Christ. This shit is getting out of control. A lot of these people moving here, some of the best up and coming promising talents moving here. Some people literally lying that they've prepared for this just to hopefully get famous. And they annoy me. And I try to figure out a way to make them uncomfortable for signing up for a show built around comedians trying to make it.
You know how it works. They get 60 seconds and then you hear the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is loud, and that interrupts them. And then I ask them a bunch of questions. We learn more about them, stuff that's good, stuff that they could talk about, stuff that they should never do again. Anything can happen.
You guys ready to start the show? I go to the bottom of the bucket. I pre-pull a name. They go get them from across the street. While that person's being wrangled, I present to you the newest regular on Kill Tony, a very esteemed position which guarantees fucking fame and ticket sales for the rest of their lives. This guy's an absolute phenom, ladies and gentlemen, a force of nature.
Unbelievable fucking... A gift from the comedy gods, I present to you a brand new 60 Seconds from the crab man himself, the one and only KC Rocket!
Do you have to, do you have to let it linger? All right, cool. Irish stuff, get lost, eat piss your dick, all right. Yeah, I'm feeling dangerous tonight, boys. I might fuck around and give a moose a muffin and this motherfucker who's with me, huh? Might fuck around and give a mouse a cookie. All right, cool, hell yeah, get lost, come on. All right, dud, that was a dud harmonica.
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Chapter 3: What unique aspects of the show are highlighted?
It's so dangerous. Biden hates to see it. God. Hey, Biden, I got six words for you, sweetheart. Let me check the White House for ghosts. Okay, cool.
Do you have to? Get lost. Lock the bathrooms. Nobody's pissing. Still riffing. Okay, cool. I... I used to do weird combinations of drugs when I was a teenager. Like, I'd drink a bunch of Tuss, Robitussin, and I would... I'm America's Robitussin comedian. And I would... I'd drink a bunch of Tuss, and then I'd take a bunch of Adderall, too. So I'd be focused, but I'd be focused on the wrong shit.
You know what I mean? Scribbling in a notebook, like, what if worms could scream? All right, thank you. I'm Casey Rockett. Thank you so much. Amazing.
Right on brand. Complete chaos. I love to see it. Jim, what do you think about the great cases?
I love them. I worked with you this last night. You did two shows. And the energy is crazy, but the jokes are good. Like, a lot of guys mask bad jokes with energy, and your jokes are great. Like, really funny and great writing. Oh, thanks, man. I just enjoy watching you a lot. You're really funny.
Hell yeah. 100% agree. A lot of interesting new perspectives. Lock the bathrooms.
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Chapter 4: How does the audience engage with the performers?
I like. It's interesting because if you did that, you would be locking people in and out at the same time. It would create, within minutes, there would be chaos down there.
Just the way I want it. Have you ever put the microphone stand somewhere and said, no, it actually should stay there? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it feels better to, yeah, have it in motion, kinetic energy. You guys know kinetic energy. Yeah, just have it... It's good to stay in motion. It helps me be fluid, whatever that means. But, yeah, just keep moving. Keep moving, keep being brave.
It felt weird to... It was weird to actively kind of improvise a little bit in the minute, because I was like, oh, I probably have ten seconds left.
And I was like...
Yeah, Tess comic, and I was like, oh, trying to get back to it.
Not only does he move the microphone a lot, he also moves the stool a lot. He jumps over the stool, things like that. And I had only seen him here in this room and in the little boy, which has about the same size stage. And I took him to open up for me in a massive theater a few weeks ago. And I realized that he uses all of the stage that he's given, no matter what. That's where I learned that.
A crab at 45 miles an hour sideways like that, and then back, never losing sight of the crowd, staying square the entire time. The harmonica toss, I didn't know someone could toss a harmonica 40 yards behind them like that while telling jokes. Everything was bigger. I wouldn't have guessed that about him, but he might use more stage than any comedian I've ever seen before.
Well, I was amazed, too. Coming out, I was like, I mean, I think you're really funny, but I was like, oh, please let him knock the drums over. I thought that would be so fucking great. But you move well in the space. You don't overuse what you have. So, yeah, very impressive. You're very aware of your surroundings. Thank you. Yeah, I try to be. Yeah, it's a heat signature thing.
I try to keep the... It's like a... Velociraptor, you know how they say fighter jets, it's not, you know how they say fighter jets, it's not about where they are, it's about where they aren't. So, that's kind of what I operate on, so. F-15 rules, so. Yeah, wow. I've actually never heard that about fighter jets, but I believe it when you said it.
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Chapter 5: What humorous observations does Audrey Michelle share about women and masturbation?
Yeah.
Yeah, like you?
No, no, but you didn't do that.
Oh, weirdos. I'm sorry. You said weirdos.
Oh, my God. That too, yeah. You didn't want any of the widows? Some of that good old... Well, they're not good at responding. They're not great. Neither are their husbands.
Oh, my God.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable. My goodness. All right. Well, Mark, very, very fun. Congratulations. Here's a little Kill Tony joke book. Boom. There goes Mark Wellborn, everybody. Well, no, let's do one more and then him and see what happens here. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. It is Audrey Michelle, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Audrey Michelle.
Recently, I've been congregating with a lot of women, trying to figure out how they start masturbating for the first time. See, with men and women, it's a lot different. Dudes usually start masturbating for the first time with other dudes. You know, they find a porno mag, like, hey, bro, just found this mag.
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Chapter 6: How does Audrey Michelle's stand-up experience influence her confidence on stage?
You want to go check it out? Just 12-year-old Timmy jerking off with his best friend for the first time, staring him in the eyes. With women, they start with the corner of the washer, maybe humping a pillow. Not me. I went straight to the electric toothbrush. When you start masturbating with an electric toothbrush, you never step away. Now my clit is calloused.
I need a fucking bear trap on my ankle and a noose around my neck to bust a nut anymore. I need to pay the Chinese chiropractor in the mall 100 bucks to just start punching my clit. Just fucking going at it.
Hell yeah. Audrey Michelle, welcome to the show. This is your first time here? Yeah. Welcome. It's a fun set. I have so many questions.
Let's start with how most men start out masturbating.
That's bullshit, by the way. And where are you getting this information?
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Chapter 7: What unexpected details does Audrey share about her date with rapper Michael White?
That's total bullshit.
They're mad because I'm telling all their fucking secrets.
I'll have it be known, I also started masturbating with an electric toothbrush. So I'm not one of these normal guys. And I masturbated recently with a boy named Timmy.
Did your electric toothbrush also have a My Little Pony character on it?
Oh, that's scary. Horrible. That's scary. So, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up, Audrey?
Seriously, about two months. Not so seriously, maybe about five months in total.
Wow, incredible. Probably the best bucket pool so far of the night. Came out with a lot of, it seems like you have stage presence. What have you done before that made you so comfortable on the stage? I know you're not a stripper. Can you imagine? All right, fellow librarians, get ready. Here she comes. Welcome to the East Side Strip Club. Dewey Despo coming to the main stage.
Get those pennies rolling. Yeah.
We're gonna soften you up. Who's ready to go limp out there, huh? Who's got their toothbrush charged? Get that jab ready, she'll show her clit. She might give you some oral B. Toothbrush jokes, everybody, toothbrush jokes. You gotta keep up. Here she comes. Where'd you get that fucking shirt?
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Chapter 8: How does the discussion shift to the concept of cocaine sharks?
Oh, okay. Congratulations.
Awesome. Absolutely.
You used that to brush your teeth? The what? Yeah. You just brushed that off, the Hitachi wand. Everybody's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, everybody uses that. What is that?
It's the, you've probably seen it. It was like the first body massager. Yep. It's the big like blue and white one with a huge white ball on the top. His eyes just got so wide. And you plug it into the wall. And there's been videos of it exploding in women's vaginas. So I choose the one that plugs into the wall because it's stronger. What?
It's like the most powerful industrial vibrator ever. It's like this big.
You plug it in the wall and there's videos of it like sparking and yeah. It's cool. How come you never sent me those videos? You send me so many videos. You've been holding that piece of shit.
That's like a handheld Sibian, basically.
Dude, it's like 120 grit sandpaper down there. I need something.
Yeah.
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