Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.
This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. This is the week. Kill Tony live from Los Angeles, California.
Friday, May 10th at the Kia Forum and Sunday, May 12th at the YouTube Theater. You can watch it live online while it happens at killtonylive.com. Get your tickets now. Don't miss anything. See it first at killtonylive.com.
One more time, we out.
Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. You did it. You're here. The number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Cook Unity, DraftKings, and GameTime. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? The great Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo on the horns.
Not to be confused with Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The mortician Matt Muehling on the electric guitar. The great John Dees on the keys. And joining us on the bass tonight, make some noise for Nick Lewis, everybody. Dee Madness went to a different venue tonight. He didn't have anybody to help him. We're gonna have a lot of fun here tonight.
Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
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Chapter 2: What is the format of the Kill Tony show?
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
You guys ready to start tonight's show? Ladies and gentlemen, one of the funniest guests in the history of the show. His brand new special is out now. Rose Gold on YouTube. One of the funniest people we've ever had on. We're gonna have so much fucking fun tonight. Make some noise for the great and powerful Daniel Van Kirk. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Daniel Van Kirk.
One of the rising stars of the world. Works with the Sklar brothers. Oh, yes. You got it. He's back. The ghost of Brody. Yes. Daniel, welcome back. Positive energy. Yes. Arms crossed. Kicked out.
welcome back daniel we're gonna we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight you've been on this show before pre-pandemic way back in the day back in the day and we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight uh we've had a lot of these three-person panels and a lot of chaos lately i like it we're getting back to our basics tonight who knows there is one empty seat something crazy could happen possibly but something crazy is gonna happen anyway because we're here at kill tony
Daniel, you may remember over 200, used to be 100 last time you did it, but now over 200 human beings sign up for the opportunity, the chance to get on the show. Do we still get to stab them? Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Yes. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the anger of a Hollywood bear. And that cuts them off. And then I interview them. We find out more about them altogether, about more about their lives, what they could possibly talk about, where their lives are at, where their lives are going.
All of a sudden, they go from being a comedian to a guest on a podcast that fast, right in front of our very eyes. I'm pre-pulling a name out of this bucket. They will get wrangled from across the street at a bar. Four choices here on 6th Street. And that's the name of the bar. It's also the name of the thing that people that go to that bar do.
And while that person's getting wrangled, I'm going to bring up one of our esteemed regulars, one of the funniest young bucks in all of comedy, a polarizing figure, ladies and gentlemen. Very, very fun. He's in a tight space for what he is used to tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the top young rising stars in all of stand-up comedy.
This is Kill Tony's very own Casey Rockett.
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Chapter 3: Who are the guests featured in this episode?
How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About three years. Three years. Where at? Mostly Tampa. Tampa, Florida. That's where you live.
That's where I used to live. I moved here recently.
Okay. How recent did you move to Austin? Like two weeks ago. Nice. How do you like it? I like it.
Yeah. No, it's cool.
A lot of comics. A lot of cool people. Definitely. It's all going on out here. How do you make a living?
I'm a software engineer. All right.
Well, right now, an unemployed software engineer. All right. I'm sure that'll work out for you. I hope so. Daniel Van Kirk, what do you think about this young buck?
I thought you did good. You sort of, you double tap the identity joke. Like you kind of, you get a laugh out of it and then you go for the profile. I'd probably move that up in front just a little bit. Like, I would come up with this. Like, I know you guys are trying to figure out who I am. Like, if you look at me straight on, I'm this. But if you look at me like this, I'm this. Like, boom.
Like, get to it right away. I agree. And then also, if you set up another plant in your OnlyFans, like, two things I love about my girlfriend, she makes great sandwiches in Donna's OnlyFans. And then you go later and you say what the person's requested, that's going to be the callback hit for the audience as to what you... what the joke was, because otherwise you had to like string bet it.
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Chapter 4: What humorous anecdotes are shared during the episode?
60 seconds uninterrupted from Matty G. Oh, make some noise for Heidi, everybody. Wow. Thank you, Heidi. All right, here's Matty. Make some noise for Matty G, everyone. Here we go.
What's up, guys? We got any immigrants in here? I thought I smelt ya.
Yeah. I used to sell guns to get through college. I didn't know that they were buying guns to take to college.
Yeah. When you're selling guns, you get really good at it. And you can tell what gun you're gonna buy just by what race you are. 12-gauge shotgun. Black people, they like... They don't like any specific gun. They're more about the accessories. They always come up to the gun counter and be like, my man, let me get that one right there with the beam on it.
And I always be like, yes, sir, right away, man. I got you. And then... Asian people, they wanted one specific gun.
The Grokka 19.
Thank you, guys. Wow. Look at the slow wave off after rugged racism. Incredible. Matty G, opening up with an immigrants joke. What ethnicity are you? I'm American, but Mexican. Yeah, you're Mexican. Yeah. Don't you think it's kind of weird, a Mexican guy coming out going, hey, I thought I smelled you. Because that's like your people. The immigrants are you. Yeah. Okay. I can say that, yeah.
Oh, yeah, I can say it too. Look at that. It's wild. Daniel can say it, too, and he looks like fucking Hitler's right-hand man.
I look like you know where I was on January 6th. Cheesecake Factory.
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Chapter 5: What is the longest time someone has lasted with a partner?
What's the longest you think you've lasted with a woman? Your longest session ever. That horny bitch wants to know. The longest you've ever lasted or perhaps recharged and immediately gone again.
Okay, good.
That's what I was about to... Okay. Oh, because you have that... Let's specify that. You have that fucking Tesla battery. You're like ready to go immediately. The supercharger. The longest I've gone back to back... Back to back. For those of y'all that didn't get the message. It's probably about two hours.
But, but, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay. Let's be real here. No one's fucking for two hours straight and, like, not coming. Right? Like, what I mean by this is, like, you know, there's four plates, all the shit you do.
Sandwiches.
You know what I mean?
Sandwich in the kitchen. Exactly. Exactly. You know? Sometimes you might take a little intermission. Whatever it is you need. But, like, you're still... Watch House Hunters, House Hunters International. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Specifically international. Like Front Bargain Hunt.
I did it. What's the fastest you think you've ever recharged? So that means come to reinsertion. What's your fastest turnover rate there? And we will be fact-checking this with your friends. Yes.
That's cool, that's cool. Probably about, honestly, like 15 minutes.
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Chapter 6: How do comedians handle personal experiences in their sets?
That's what I'm saying, dog. I'm no one special. Okay. I mean, well, you know, we can't judge a book by its cover. You seem like the kind of guy that could just absolutely go nonstop. Well, congratulations on being the most interesting interview of the night. Trinidad and Tobago's own John, ladies and gentlemen. John. Hell yeah, man. Fuck. Amazing. All right.
Now back to comedians attempting to do a minute uninterrupted. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody? Thank you very much. Unbelievable. John's about to fuck the shit out of her. All right, make some noise for your next bucket poll. Jacob Cantor, everybody. Here we go, here's Jacob Cantor.
I'm trying to get sober. I definitely have a drinking problem. The wake up call was two weeks ago. I got blackout and I emailed a picture of my asshole to my second grade teacher. It was even weirder when he replied, wow, it hasn't changed a bit. Actually, I just sent it on a burner Facebook anonymous Facebook account, and he replied, Jacob? So, yeah.
Chapter 7: What are the challenges of working in an Airbnb?
This asshole's one of a kind. I've been arrested three times for possession of marijuana, which you cannot eat three and a half grams of marijuana, at least in the time it takes for a cop to get to your window. But when I got pulled over, of course, I was coughing up marijuana all over the inside of my Prius.
And the cop looks down at me and he goes, are you aware it's two o'clock in the afternoon? And I looked up at him. I said, are you aware of the losses inflicted upon the Russians in defense of Stalingrad? So I went to jail. Yeah. Luckily I'd never gotten to cocaine. I will say this. I've tried cocaine once on numerous occasions.
Very good. Jacob Cantor. One of the strongest sets, not from a regular tonight. Very funny, Jacob. Thank you. Where are you from? Longview, Texas. This is your first time on the show? Second time. And both gone as well as this one? Yeah, the first time went really well. Wow, good stuff. You got a big joke book last time. Yes. Incredible. Well, here you are again. A fantastic set.
You squeezed a lot of material into that minute. Got a lot of laughs. Remind us, what do you do for work? What's going on?
I work at Whole Foods. Oh, that's right. Yeah, MAGA Asians. What? MAGA Asians bit. That's what I did last time. Mega Asians bit. I picked up an Asian in my Uber.
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Chapter 8: How does the conversation shift to dating experiences?
She liked Trump a lot, so I made a joke about it.
Right.
Okay.
You work in the dairy section. Is that correct? No, I'm a supervisor up front. All right. We're going to check in with the great Daniel Van Kirk.
Great set, dude. Thank you. That was awesome. I feel like you can get to that quicker, but you're really good at your turns, like a stop and then going into the joke. But that's okay because blank or like, I've never met that before because I blank. So that's good, and it's good finding your style and like that. One thing I will say, how long have you been doing comedy? Six years. Six years.
Okay. Okay.
It's just, do you... No, no, it wasn't bad. I want to ask this to Tony, because I feel like you and Red Band have probably seen more people starting or in their journey of comedy than any other friends of mine at all. Yeah. When you feel like somebody's sort of doing a style of a popular comedian, and obviously there's certain ways of telling jokes and everything, how do you address that?
How do you broach it? I mean, we just say it.
Okay. It just felt a little Nate Bargatze to me, just a little bit. Are you a fan of Nate Bargatze? No. Have you ever seen him do stand-up? That's what I'm saying.
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