Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Redmayne coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? We made it. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody. You're here, the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony brought to you by Game Time, Liquid IV, and Talkspace. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh?
Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, the great Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, John Deese on the keys,
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Chapter 2: Who are the special guests introduced in this episode?
And this is Dee Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Ooh la la. Another big one for you tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. I'd like to present three of our favorite guests ever in the history of the show.
Make some noise for Mark Norman, H. Foley, and Kevin Ryan, everybody. Yeah, Mark Norman. Mark Norman, H. Foley, Kevin Ryan, three of my favorite human beings. Welcome back to the show, guys.
What's up, buddy?
Great to be here, gang. Great to be here. Hey, hey. We're going to have fun here tonight. They are on tour. The RU Garbage guys are on their Route 66 tour. Go to rugarbage.com for tickets. Mark, numerous specials, numerous everything. He's on tour, marknorman.com. Oh, yeah. Check out my OnlyFans. That's right. Yeah. I've been on it. I love it. You guys know how the show works.
You've been on numerous times before. 229 comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket here tonight. Wow. If they get picked, they get 60 seconds on this stage. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. which interrupts them.
And then I interview them and we all find out more about them. Maybe something they should talk about or something interesting about their lives. All of a sudden they go from being a comedian for 60 seconds to a guest on a live podcast and a sold out show in the live comedy capital of the world, Austin, Texas. You guys ready to start the show? Well, I pull a name out of the bucket.
They go and grab this person from the bar across the street. And while they're wrangling that person, I would like to present one of our regulars, everybody. We have a rotating panel of regulars now. And this is the newest regular on the show. One of the two newest regulars on the show. He's an absolute freak of nature.
He is the Estonian assassin, ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand new minute. Make some noise for one of your new favorite comedians in the world, Ari Matty, everybody. Here we go.
Hello, Austin, Texas. How are we? Yes. I'll tell you about my dream. I want an American passport. And I need help with that. To be honest, I just want a passport where if I go missing, somebody comes looking. Because I have an Estonian passport. If I get in trouble here, I'm fucked. But with the American one, with that eagle on your shit, you could be in fucking Beirut.
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Chapter 3: What unique format does the show follow for comedians?
Oh, you know.
Get some whiskey. Uh-huh. Like in a glass, you know. Yeah. Eye of Newt. Yeah.
Come on, Cosby makes a better drink. And then you just, you know, fuck it up, you know? Just shake it up real good. I was more of a visual bartender, you know? Okay, yeah. Just there for the looks. I love it. Ari, what... You okay over there? You getting ready for a big solo or something? What the fuck could possibly be happening back here? I love it.
Ari, anything else crazy happen in Austin this week?
Well, I had something pretty scary happen. So I had a really good gig one night, you know, when that happens. And I was sitting at the bar after the show, and then near the bathrooms here, a lady comes up to me, and she's shit-faced. Things are going well. She's, like, stroking my cock.
Ooh. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. On the outside of your pants. Yeah, like, ugh, you know? That's not really stroking. That's more of, like, a pressure. Like, ugh, ugh. What's this move?
I don't know, but I'm into it, whatever it is. I'm slipping off my chair over here, big guy. I think that's called the P. Diddy.
And I'm also, like, feeling her, you know, the heat. What are you doing? You're, like, going over her pants. Grabbing her dick. Yeah, exactly. And we're like, you know, when the tongues do this shit, you know? Oh, yeah, French kissing. So then I do another gig. She hangs around here. Later, I see her at the bar here. I see her from the back. She's ordering drinks. She's got the ass out.
Things are looking good. Wait, when you say the ass is out? You know when they're at the bar like this?
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Chapter 4: How does the conversation shift to personal stories and experiences?
Any black girls there?
No, no, no, no.
Well, I know. Exactly. Actually, there's one, two. I know them. Okay. How dare you? Yeah, cool. So we're coming up, you know? Uh-huh. Yeah, we have some black guys. Like, one guy moved to Estonia.
It's not great if you can count them. Yeah. It's one guy, our first black we got, it was... Black guy.
It was, like, major news, you know? Everybody was like, oh, my God. We got one! Yeah. Yeah. It's just an Italian guy.
Close enough, am I right? Keep eye on this one.
Put him in cage with Fat Man.
I'm surprised you have a couple because black people are rarely Russian. It's true. It's true, they don't move that fast.
They're late a lot.
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Chapter 5: What sports did the comedians play growing up?
Everything. The real deal. Okay. I pulled another name out of the bucket. The stage is tight tonight. We are moving along. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Arpit Jain. Or Jayaan. Arpit Jayaan.
Thank you, thank you. So make some noise if you grew up playing any sports. I'm a former athlete myself. I grew up playing the Indian national sport of competitive spelling bees. Yeah, actually, I went to my cousin's basketball game this weekend. He's the athlete of the family. It's cool, though, because we got the same nicknames. The kids call him Curry because he shoots like Steph.
And the kids called me Curry because they were racist. Yeah, if I missed a shot, they'd yell out, there goes another tower.
Chapter 6: What funny experiences did Arpit share about his name?
Yeah, I was also in ninth grade when Harold and Kumar came out, and for the whole year, everyone called me Kumar. And I couldn't even get mad about it, because that's my legal middle name. Even though I'm Indian, I actually grew up in Africa, but we ended up having to move because it was really unsafe and we kept getting robbed.
And like most Indian immigrants, my parents first started working at a 7-Eleven, and that was really unsafe. They kept getting robbed. So that kind of confused me, because if you think about it, we really just traded getting robbed by Africans to getting robbed by African-Americans.
Kind of seems like a lateral move. Thank you, everyone. Arpit. Jane. Giant? Jane. Jane. Arpit? Yeah.
Chapter 7: How did Arpit transition from CPA to full-time comedy?
Arpit. So it's... That's a bad name. It was growing up, yeah. It's a bad name, especially for an Indian guy. Yeah. Because you guys famously don't smell... You want to finish that? Good. Good was the answer I was looking for. You guys have a smell to you. Actually, I have a little bit of BO tonight, so I really actually do.
I played drums before we opened the doors tonight for an extra half hour, and I stink. So I can relate to you. Because I slightly smell tonight. For some reason, my great deodorant isn't working, and I'm also, I can relate to you because I am also a great speller. Okay. What words did you go out on in your spelling bees? So this was in sixth grade.
Damn, you know what? I honestly don't remember.
I know that I cheated on it, though. to go into all the middle schools in our area, but I can't remember the word I lost on. You can't remember the word you lost on? So when we were practicing, or when we were taking the actual test to qualify, I had the word bank underneath my shoe and my backpack, and I was kind of just looking at it. Jesus.
Chapter 8: What unique event did Treasure Jackson coordinate?
My goodness. Yeah. You're the guy that people are supposed to cheat off of. I know. Not on spelling, though. Not on spelling. Everything else, I feel confident. Wow. Spell cinnamon. C-I-N-A-M-M-O-N. No, that's wrong. Is it double M?
Yeah, double N. I said double M. I said M-M. I like how Fole was just watching him.
He's like, I don't really know. Yeah, I'm a terrible speller.
You're a bad speller.
I'm a bad speller, yeah. I thought he was going to ask him to spell roast beef or something. How about impasse? Spell impasse. Do you want me to use it in a sentence or anything like that? It's a French origin. I'm going to go... I was going to cross the bridge, but I came to an impasse. I'm going to go I-M-P-A-S. Come on. This is like a black guy who can't dance. I'm terrible at spelling.
This is great. Ari, would you like to do it correctly? I would. I-M-P-A-S-S-E. Impasse. That is correct. That's the word that got me. I went to the whole fucking city one because I won my school one, and I was in fourth grade, and these assholes gave me impasse. A very hard word when you're in fourth grade. Oh, my God. You have a pipe, too? I'm an adult now, Tony.
Did that come with the rest of the outfit?
Yeah.
All that dick stuff's in the past.
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