Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Exclam!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Brian Redman, everybody. Hi! And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Bare Bones tonight. D Madness woke up with a backache. So no D, no horn players, but we have the great Michael Gonzalez here tonight. Powerful Matt Muehling on the electric guitar.
And the one and only John Bees on the keys. The absolute... Bare Bones Band tonight. They have a new Instagram at Kill Tony Band. There you go. The Kill Tony Band. Look out. There you go. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight, a lot of exciting stuff in store. Shout out to Waze to Well. Waze, the number two well. A lot of great stuff happening over there.
Stem cells, IV drips, absolutely everything you can imagine.
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Chapter 2: Who are the featured guests in this episode?
Exciting stuff going on. So with no further ado, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
You guys ready to start tonight's show? Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians on. One of these guests was just on very recently, and I love him so goddamn much that I had to have him back because he's in town and he's one of the best in the world. The other guest tonight, it is his first time ever being on panel. You know these guys. You love them.
Make some noise for Sam Tallon and Ari Matty!
Sam Tallon!
Ari Matty. Ari, sit over here. Right there. Very, very exciting. Ari Matty. Kiltoni regular. Rotating regular turned panelist here tonight. The Estonian assassin. Ari Matty's first time at the table. Welcome. Hell yes. Welcome. Look at you working on your American accent. Yes, I am actually. Hello. I have an intolerance.
For those of you that don't know, we're trying as fast as we can to get Ari Matty his American citizenship. We are in a race against time. What do we have, seven months? Six months now. Six months. Every single week, it goes down one month somehow. It is incredible, but we are on a mission from God. Sam Talent is back.
What happened to that Visa paper I signed for you? It didn't count?
No, it counted. That's the one I'm on right now, my little angel. All right. Sam Talent, one of the great guests in the history of the show, is back. Thank you, guys. Thank you. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. Yeah, I'm glad to be here. Thank you to Kill Tony Nation for somehow selling out my shows in Batavia, Illinois last weekend.
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Chapter 3: What challenges does Ari Matty face in his journey to citizenship?
Yeah.
Now, Ari, in your home country of Estonia, he would have been euthanized at birth. Oh, yeah.
They would have left him on a rock and let the crows eat him. Holy shit. They would have stoned him. Not Disney, not Disney. I love it. No thanks. And Martin, you're doing comedy full time now? At least for the summer. You know, school is out. But I've been doing it out in town. That is true. I forgot you're a substitute teacher. Yeah, yeah. So I always... do comedy full-time in the summer.
Perfect. Yeah. It's been good. Absolutely. And what else? Been on any dates or anything lately? Not quite yet, but this one chick asked me, she was like, you invited me to my ex-boyfriend, so... Looks promising.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know.
Who was your ex-boyfriend?
Earthworm Jim? That's what I was thinking. I was like, is that a good thing?
That was a video game, Ari.
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Chapter 4: What humorous anecdotes are shared about comedy and personal experiences?
Let's talk to your liver. This is not alcoholic. The damage been done. Martin Phillips, you are an absolute consistent killer. Way to get it started tonight. Great fucking stuff. And here we go. The bucket of destiny has spoken. This is where we meet people all together. Anything can happen. This is where we met every regular, every golden ticket winner. These people are very excited.
They could have the moment of their life. They could have the worst moment of their life. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to your first bucket bowl tonight. Phoenix Provocateur. Phoenix Provocateur. Oh, my goodness. Here we go. All right, breeders, buckle up.
So I love whenever I hear conservative men give a fuck about anything but themselves. Especially when they say shit like, trans women shouldn't be able to use the women's restroom. Because all I hear is, I want titties in the men's restroom.
When I was deciding on going through with my medical transition or not, I kind of just put it on a final scale of, all right, do you really want to wear dresses or do you really want to wear suits? Do you really want to pay for hair and nails, or do you want to wear the hair and nails? And the only thing that made me want to stay in my masculinity was, oh, there's rights over here.
But I'm black, so I'll figure it out later.
I do think that being trans is more about capitalism instead of self-expression. Only because I'm going to have tits, a dick, and a grip, I'll be able to go anywhere and fuck anything I want to. Thank you. My name is Phoenix Provocateur. Phoenix Provocateur. Welcome to the show.
You know, I always say what I love about this bucket and this show is that we get all different types of people, all different shapes and sizes of human beings, and you are a perfect example of what I'm talking about. This is absolutely incredible. I get it. Welcome to the show. Where should we even begin?
Dude, America is crazy.
I love it. Phoenix, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I started last October. Okay. What made you want to start stand-up last October? I've been an entertainer for a while, and I've always watched comedy kind of for afar, and I was like, why don't I just throw my foot, or my stilettos in the hat and see what happens. Yeah, well, your foot couldn't fit in the hat, so that's perfect.
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Chapter 5: What light-hearted moments occur between Sam and Ari?
Nada. Purple bacon? Nothing. Incredible. I like your haircut, Ari. Thank you, Drew. We're friends. It's so good to be hanging out at recess with you two right now.
Yeah, you're the foreign kid who has to be friends with Drew. Drew, I'm kidding. I love you. You're a light backstage. I'm so happy for you, man.
Thank you so much, Mr. Talent. I really appreciate you. He's one of the best in the game right now.
Let's give it up. Absolutely. Absolutely. So, Drew, I love it. And, you know, you had your first Texas kiss here. You go on dates at all? You like girls, right? Yes, I love girls. Do you like women?
Yes, I like women, too. Hell yeah, Sam.
Nice.
You been on any dates or anything? Other than the Taco Bell in the car that I ate with a girl, I got friend-zoned over spicy nuggets, Tony. Ooh. That was an Uber driver, Drew.
Yeah.
He didn't have red hair. True, what else have you been doing? Have you checked out Austin, Texas at all? Have you gone out, gone around?
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Chapter 6: How does Drew Nickens share his dating experiences?
It's perfect.
We also had a big woman on this show earlier, too. You're growing. Yeah. You know, Ari, I don't know if you know this, but in your country, he would have been euthanized.
Holy shit! Nobody's made it so far. Yeah. I think he survived a euthanasia.
And we didn't say it about Cam and Bobby Brown Jr., but I promise you they would have been euthanized as well. It's because I'm black, right? You're correct, Drew. Very good. Wow, somebody's got Kool-Aid on his rider.
So one time, Tony, I put five-hour energy in my Kool-Aid.
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Chapter 7: What unique stories do the guests share about their lives?
That shit was amazing! Oh, my God.
Drew. He's crazy!
Drew, we love you.
You pulled us out of another bomb. That's another new minute from Drew Nickens, everybody. Thank you. It goes on and on. Can't understand how we last so long. We must have superpowers. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen. 60 seconds going to Chloe LaBranch. The train keeps rolling. Chloe LaBranch.
Chapter 8: How does the conversation shift towards political commentary?
Here she is. Make some noise for Chloe, everybody.
I hope you guys don't mind if I start with a light joke. Okay, cool. I went home with this guy the other night, and he started raping me. But then I looked up, and I saw he had a Yale diploma hanging over his bed, and I was like, nah, he's fucking me.
Yeah.
I was, uh, thank you so much. I, uh... I was thinking about the, um, the women who were fucking the hijackers in 9-11. I feel like women always give men the benefit of the doubt, you know? They're probably like, ah, they're on a boys' trip.
Yeah.
We know who did it, relax. As a woman, I'm really sick of pedophiles. I'm sick of these men fucking these kids, because it's like these kids, you know? They're stealing our jobs.
Chloe LaBranche. This is your first time on the show, right? Yes. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up?
Like 11 years when I'm not in rehab.
I love it. 11 years. And what were you in rehab for?
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