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Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com.
If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yeah! Make some noise for the Red Band! Hey! And about one more time for the best damn band in the fucking land. Jesus Christ almighty.
If you guys don't know what goes on here in the pre-shows, it is truly the live music capital of the fucking world. And we flex on it. Have you guys ever heard music like that in your fucking lives? Make some noise for Grooveline Horns down here, crushing. Fernando Castillo. Carlos Sosa. Raul Vallejo. Michael Gonzalez. Nachos Belgrande. Huevos Rancheros. Queso Enchilada.
Matt Muehling on the guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit. John Dees, the leader of it all back here. Dee Madness on the bass guitar. And you guys, sorry, you guys didn't get to see her on this show, but how about one more time for the lovely Summer, everybody. Solstress? Solstress. Un-fucking-believable.
She works here at Mitzi's, and it's just incredible, the talented people that work here on so many different levels. We have fucking jiu-jitsu champions, fucking singers, everybody. It's unbelievable. So, yeah, a lot of special stuff happening. Before we get tonight's episode started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.
Are you guys ready to start the fucking show or what? You are here. You are the lucky ones that were able to be here on this night, just like every other episode I book. Sometimes two, sometimes three, and on very special nights, just one of the very best comedians in the world. This is one of those nights where I love this guest so much that I like to let the show breathe.
I like to be able to fucking sit back and let me and the guest and Red Band's wacky soundboard fucking do some work and... really drive home the backbone of this show, which are the people pulled out of the bucket and the regulars that we get to watch grow. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest, one of the frontrunners for Guest of the Year, ladies and gentlemen, a freak of nature.
This is one of those guys, much like many of you may not have known Tim Dillon before he was Tim Dillon or Shane Gillis before he was Shane Gillis. This is one of those guys where it is a ticking time bomb If you don't know, the rest of the world will know, this is one of the best stand-up comedians in the fucking world. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the great and powerful Sam Palin.
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Chapter 2: How does the Kill Tony show format work?
They know, thanks to Squarespace, Talkspace, GameTime, Shopify, and ZipRecruiter, I got the fucking platter. God damn it. I worked my ass off for this platter. It's all I ever wanted. It's all I ever needed. Anyway, and I see the bicycle and I know right fucking away. I know right away. I'm like, there's no way that this bicycle has the fucking infrastructure to handle this platter.
This fucking guy is going to shove this thing in a fucking backpack long ways. And sure enough, I get it. And everything's on fucking one side. It's all smushed together. Yeah. Was it hard to eat it in your ivory tower? Yeah. Did it make it difficult for your slaves to feed it to you in bed? It was. The altitude was getting to them. They were wobbly with the chopsticks.
Chapter 3: What are the challenges of being a stand-up comedian?
The blindfolds didn't make it when they came over. I was so delusional, I thought that I was hanging out with a bunch of British rappers for a second. Have you seen the person walking icon yet? Where it's like, your order will be there in 30 minutes. You gotta be fucking kidding me. It's happened twice. Oh my, you must have a low Uber Eats rating or something for God to punish you like that.
Tom, you can say something funny as well. Just letting you guys do your thing. I'm just letting you guys do your thing. But you have a car you're delivering? Yeah, delivering a car, yeah. What kind of car is it? A Honda Accord. Oh, my goodness.
Yeah.
A little hatchback? No, no, just a sedan, four-door sedan. Four doors, look at you. Wow, balling out of control. Balling out, yeah, yeah. Okay. Any crazy orders that you've had recently, or anything go wrong or go good?
No, it's mostly the names that trip me up sometimes. Yeah? What do you mean? Well, there was one name that I had to pick up for, and it was basically the N-word.
Whoa, you're talking about one of those Quincy's? You know who we left out of the conversation when we were deciding if Quincy was black? Was this dangerous white supremacist right there. Oh yeah, look at this stone cold killer. Yes. I see. This guy saw Trump's post about Owen too on assassination attempts. He's like... Soon. Oh, yeah. Tom, what do you think? Is he black enough for you?
Yeah, yeah, he's black enough, I think, yeah. I don't know what's... I still see a little Latino in him. I would describe him as a wet black. Oh, oh, oh, we came for Kill Tony. We didn't expect a joke like that. Oh, no, we never heard nothing like that before on the Jimmy Fallon show. This isn't what we expected. Bro, you heard the fucking beat he made. Come on now. Wait, what?
Credit where credit's due. You heard the beat he made. All right, Matt. Jesus, what are you, his fucking lawyer? Yeah. My God. How dare you continue the jokes on Quincy? I mean, you heard the beat. Objection, Tony. Objection. My God. Jesus Christ almighty. Your turn, Tom. You know what? I changed my mind. I don't think he's black. I don't think he's... Whoa. Whoa. What is that?
Oh, look how pissed Matt is. Flag on the fucking plane, man. He looks Dominican to me, to be honest. Whoa. Look out. Dominican Republic. DR. Dr. Dre. All right. Dr. Dre. Back to you, Tom. What's happened interesting in your life since the last... I can't remember your last set. Did it go good? It wasn't as good as that.
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Chapter 4: How does the audience react to the comedians?
Yeah. That too, man. I love it. I love it. Slides and jokes are coming out like Scam Patterson. I love it. Hey, real quick, you just did pretty good. If anyone offers you $200 to go to Baltimore... Take it, all right? Right, right, right, right. Absolutely. Welcome, welcome, Darren. How long you been doing stand-up? For about a year and a half, two years.
And before that, you were doing angry poetry? Yeah, something like that. Something like that, really? Nah, nah. Oh, okay. Rapping, so it's kind of the same. You were rapping? Yeah. Were you rapping about the lost tribe of Israel? I love it. Rastafari. I and I. What do you do for a living? Right now, I work for a fencing company. You've been working for a fencing company?
What do you fence, stolen goods? Sorry, Dee, it's a pun, sir. It's a synonym joke. So you build fences here in Texas? I don't build them. I actually work in a lumber yard where I just... Really, all the builders are Mexican. You know what I'm saying? You build the Mexicans? Yeah, nah. All the builders are Mexicans, but everybody who work in the yard ain't Mexican. And they keep you in the yard?
Yeah, yeah. Is it like a yard, like a field? Nah, nah. When you say a yard... How do they keep you in? Yeah. They have a fence around the fencing that you have to stay in? Nah, nah. Okay. Now, are you typically dangerously stoned? Do you usually roll around the highest man allowed by law? Because... Nah, I don't even smoke, man. What? Whoa. What? This is amazing.
You smoked so much that you just stuck like that at some point? That's probably what happened. This is incredible. This is absolutely amazing. You're so chill. You're so... Irie is the term. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I love it. So what else do you do for fun? I'm trying to do comedy for fun, though. I mean, shit, nothing lately but working and trying to do comedy, man. It's expensive down here.
I love it. I love it. You're surviving, though. Yes, sir. I love it. But you rap sometimes, you said. I used to. Yeah? Yeah. If we gave you a little beat, could you give us a little example of a rap right now? Oh, yeah, I can do that. Sounds great. Tell Michael what you want there, if there's a specific type of beat or whatever. These guys can do anything. I can go off anything.
Okay, well, there you go. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I ain't freestyle in a minute. Put that mic right up so that we can all hear you. I ain't freestyle in a minute, but fuck it, it's time to get up in it.
I like papa on the spinach, but if a nigga disrespect, I got the smithing. Weston, if y'all ain't get it, up here with Keel Tony, open mic, rapping and shit. Man, I used to be trapping and shit, but I'm a changed man. Right now, comedy the motherfucking game plan. Check it out. We want to speak about it? Shit, I'm on the stage. I'm a geek about it.
I'm going to call my fucking fam after this shit and tell them how I met that crazy nigga Hinchcliffe. I think I got to drop the mic after that flow. Y'all don't even want me to go. All right. Quincy, do you want to make him an offer? Let's take this thing all the way back to Essex, Quincy. Come on. I will keep him in my yard. Do you have a passport? I love it. Very, very chill, very mellow.
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Chapter 5: What humorous realization does Sam share about pickles?
Like, a couple episodes ago, I said, I said, legalized fit and all, because I just wanted to, right? And 20 people came to my show with legalized fit and all shirts and careful president on their shirt. And I was like, you can't do that, dog. Don't listen to me. Hey, I'm going to tell y'all something. I just found out that a pickle was a cucumber yesterday. Understand? Do not listen to me.
Unless you a bitch with a fat ass, then suck my dick, please. I would love that.
Chapter 6: How does the discussion shift to the topic of art and culture?
Hell yeah. No doubt about that. I might throw up, dude. The Trump thing gave me the giggles so bad. I just learned that a pickle wasn't cucumber. Oh, fuck. That is amazing.
I did, though.
Yeah.
That's true.
Chapter 7: What is the significance of the 'bean' in Chicago?
That's a true thing.
I can't look at you.
You think I'm playing? You think that's something I play about? I'm dead serious, dog. I ate a cucumber that was sliced like a pickle, and I went, oh, fuck. Who explained it to you? Who told you? Who confirmed it for you? Well, my brain just went, oh, it all makes sense now.
Chapter 8: How does the conversation wrap up with reflections on the episode?
I just thought a pickle was another thing, dog.
What did you think it was? You thought they grew that way? It's the only wet, salty vegetable. Oh, I have a fucking cramp.
I thought you made them in water or something. I was confused.
What do you think a raisin is? Do you think a raisin grows as a raisin? Well, after I went down that rabbit hole, I also found out what a raisin was. You went down the cucumber rabbit hole. How old were you guys, though, when you found out cucumbers were pickles? See? I was like 40.
See? I also thought pickles were just pickles. I feel fucking retarded. God damn it. God damn it. Bad company. Bad company.
You were all cool when you were bragging about knowing about the bean, though, huh? Some pointless piece of art. And by the way, let me say, it's been a few weeks. I'm ready to talk about it. Let me just say, everyone thinks, the big running joke, Tony's gay, Tony's gay, Tony's gay.
Can I tell you how many fucking tough guys reached out in every fucking way and form going, you don't know about the bean? All these people like, you don't know about this art deco piece in Chicago? Bunch of out there judging me, the supposed gay guy, for not knowing about some art installation in fucking piece of shit Chicago. A dump.
And no, I work when I'm in, I'm not visiting the fucking bean, you pieces of shit. Damn, fuck y'all. You bored fucking tourists. And he was just there to make a fucking internet video for content or else he wouldn't know what the fucking bean is either. He didn't even know what a pickle was, it's a cucumber.
I didn't know what the bean was in Chicago, and the internet lost their fucking minds about it. Oh, stop the fucking clocks on Kill Tony's success. Tony's never been to an art. Look at this angry white guy. He won't even make eye contact with me. Hey, that nigga do look terrifying.
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