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Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Grant Beck, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony!
Let's go! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And that's the best damn band in all of the land, proving it yet again. Make some noise for them, everybody. Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande. That is Big Mike, believe it or not. That is...
He's the biggest little boy we've ever seen in our lives. Isn't he adorable, ladies and gentlemen? A micro machine of a drummer. How about a hand for the great Matt Muehling, everybody? Fresh off of an audition to be one of the new Home Alone villains, clearly. The great John Dees is here, everyone. And absolutely adorable. Dressed like a skeleton tonight.
Ladies and gentlemen, that is indeed D-Madness on the bass. Oh my goodness. Everything is in its place. The crew is golden tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Ladies and gentlemen, two of my favorite comedians, two of the best guests in the history of the show.
If you guys know and love comedy podcasting, then you know these motherfuckers. Absolutely amazing. Literally the best, two of the best guests possible. Make some goddamn noise for the RU Garbage Guys, Kevin Ryan and H Foley. Oh, yeah. No, you sit here.
Yeah.
There he is. There they are. Kevin Ryan, H. Foley, on a beautiful, beautiful Monday evening. Welcome, gentlemen.
Let's fucking go, mothership. Goddamn.
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Chapter 2: Who are the featured guests on this episode?
Leave the kid alone, will you? Exactly. Look, this is all just a big global warming advertisement, all right? It's hot up here. It's not.
We have the facts. Enrique, a great set. Are some of your family members illegal? Let's talk about it.
Yeah, well, maybe we shouldn't. They're out there somewhere in Texas. Yeah, man, actually. But actually, my status, I have something called the DACA status, which if you're a Republican, you probably don't fucking give a fuck. It was given to me in 2008 by Barack Obama, so technically he's my daddy, you know? But yeah, I have a driver's license and a social.
I can vote, but I can't like your page on Facebook. That's something that I found out I can't do.
They don't let you vote? The Democrats that let you here don't want you to vote? I've never heard of such a thing.
They don't, but they still want me to donate $5 to the blue shit or whatever.
Yeah, I bet. By blue shit, do you mean your left hand that is slowly turning? Fuck, Cody!
Yeah!
That ring's tight as shit, too. I need the jaws of life to get off. That thing's never coming off. What kind of ring is that?
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Chapter 3: What new projects are discussed by the guests?
There he goes, Enrique Chacon, everybody, getting the show started. I love you guys! Ba-na-na-na. All right. It is time to go to the bucket. The famous part of the show where we meet people, find people. Could be the next great talent. Could be somebody that thought they were going to do great. Could be somebody's first time.
Could be a 20-year veteran here to try to make it for the first time ever in their lives. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket pool of the night. It is Brooke Riddell, everyone. Brooke Riddell here on Kill Tony brought to you by Talkspace and Shopify.
I love to eavesdrop. I was listening to this black couple talk about their friend Janae. Whew, crazy bitch. Okay. So she has this on-again, off-again relationship with her boyfriend, right? She leaves him. She starts performing naked, heavily using drugs, and then finds out she has AIDS. So she goes back to her boyfriend, right, and is like, you know what? I still love you, Forrest.
They were talking about the plot of Forrest Gump. And my racist ass thought Jenny was just this interesting black woman with a past. So I don't eavesdrop anymore. I've been thinking about the Holocaust a lot lately. Specifically because I just got a dog and my landlord doesn't know. So he'll start barking, right? And I'm like, shut up. The Gestapo's coming. You got to keep it quiet.
What would Ann do? She'd write it down. Famously, she'd write it down. Thanks, guys. I've been Brooke.
Brooke Riddell. Hello, Brooke. This is your first time on the show, right?
Yeah.
Nice to meet you. How long have you been doing stand-up?
Stand-up for two years.
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Chapter 4: What comedic themes emerge during the show?
You really are a woman. Yeah. The supply ladies are pissed. I was like, what? Sorry. We work so hard. I've been with an oil field man for a couple years, so. An oil field man. Yeah. I cook, clean, smoke dick, and suck weed. Okay. We'll put it together. Yeah. All right. That's amazing. And you guys live together full time. Yes. It's been about five years.
How much time does he spend on the oil field?
Now he works in a crane here, but before it was like four years before we moved out here. Okay.
Is the crane that he works on in your pants? No. Is the oil field that he works with your ass? I have so many questions. That's cool. That's fun. What do you guys do for fun? What's a date night for people like y'all? Is he like excited? He's white. Oh, wow. Yeah? Okay. Is he taller than you? No. There's not a lot of people that are taller than me. Matt Muehling has a great question.
He's putting it together. White guy works in oil fields. Is it Uncle Laser? The world wants to know. If your five-year relationship is Uncle Lazer... He fucking wishes. I bet. I bet. Wait, why does he wish he's Uncle Lazer? Or Uncle Lazer wishes? Uncle Lazer wishes. Guaranteed Uncle Lazer. Where was I? Did I ask a good question? What was the last job you had?
The last job I had... I was delivering for Amazon. Okay. Oh, yeah. So, there's that. Yep, you still have a package. And I broke my... Talk about the back door. Kevin's been waiting for that package for four and a half minutes. And it is prime. And it looks like it came from the Amazon.
All right.
No, no, it came from El Paso. Oh, that's right. El Paso. My goodness. So how old were you when you moved to Austin? It was like a year ago, so 27. Is there anything you miss about El Paso? No. El Paso is... Family. There's family out there. Okay. That's it. Did they miss you? For sure. Yeah, of course. They love you. I'm the most colorful person in the family. Of course they fucking miss me.
Absolutely. And you're probably, what, the most flamboyant, right? Eccentric, you would say? For now. Well, what do you think's happening? You got a little nephew acting a fool?
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Chapter 5: What humorous anecdote does Uncle Lazer share?
I said, hello, how you doing, darling? She was breastfeeding a seven-year-old. which I thought that was a little olden age to be doing all that, but la familia, you know, whatever. But she had that second titty out just blowing around in a breeze. I said, now who's that for? I went in there and got me a little suckle. That shit tasted like horchata. I love her very much. My name's Uncle Lazer.
Y'all been great. Wow. Uncle Lazer.
Showing growth. Showing improvement.
Chapter 6: How does the topic shift to personal experiences with comedy?
A grower. A grower. A grower. He just keeps growing while still being five feet, one inch. Okay, dude. Grew up by a power plant. I'm built like a Clydesdale. Something like that. Something like that. I loved it, man. Pure momentum through the whole set. Where are my thick ladies at? A lot of them in the back. There was a lot of them back there. A lot of noise in the darkness.
A lot of ladies like, please, not near the front. Not near the front. You could tell. The back went wild for the thick ladies. How's it going, Uncle Lazer? Going good. She brought Phoenix up here and said that I had sex with her. Yeah, I was fucking... She claims to be with an oil man. I was in the back going, no, bitch, no!
Not in front of them! Yep. But listen, you get them bottomless mimosas at the fucking drag brunch, and you get them boys dressed up like girls up there dancing Lady Gaga's I Was Born This Way, and I'm like, were you really? And I'm just like, what's happening?
Laser! Oh my goodness. Pure momentum right now. This could be his greatest performance yet, everybody. I could tell. I've seen him have moments like this before. This is, we are going to relapse tonight, Laser 101. I've seen it before. All it takes is a few minutes on this show for him to lose control of his entire life.
Wow.
I am not kidding, by the way. It's funny because it's true, and he knows it. This is one of those moments where right now he's just thinking about pure cocaine.
With that being said, if anybody's got a grandma, so you have to show in the bathroom.
Wow, look at that. Have you guys seen Laser before? I haven't.
This guy's fun. I mean, I've seen your clips and stuff.
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Chapter 7: What insights does Gus Horn provide about his dating life?
You're fucking awesome, dude. Who doesn't like him? That's crazy. I mean, the fucking powerhouse. What the fuck? Yeah, I'm actually gay.
Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.
I did, I just want to say one thing. Santa Fe, New Mexico. No, uh-uh, fuck you. Uh-uh.
Went down there for a ski trip, had $1,500 worth of Uncle Laser merch, and them fucking homeless fucking tore the camper off the back of my truck to hold my goddamn merch. Wait, there's a bunch of homeless people wearing Uncle Laser merch right now? Can we get some fucking fans in Santa Fe, New Mexico to go around to the alleyways and take some pictures for us? Please. I need this so badly.
Please tag Uncle Laser and Kill Tony Show and Red Band. Please.
It's a serious matter. Can we please get it returned?
Red Band is already looking at the satellite cameras in Santa Fe, New Mexico. We're trying to zoom in. We could not be more excited. I don't know if these homeless people know that they can afford Uncle Laser merch. It's very available. The prices are ridiculously low.
I woke up the next morning, I'm like, I'm fine in this shit, because they stole my snowboarding gear and shit, too. And I went down there to an encampment, and Pauly sure was down there teaching them magic tricks.
I'm pretty sure he's building a fucking army.
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Chapter 8: How does the conversation conclude with a discussion on Xanax?
We need to watch out for him, you know? Hey, it's fucking, I hate them fucking homeless. I wish we could hunt them like deer. I mean, it's a tax system. It's ethical. You get two homeless and one bicyclist each year. I mean, I don't even run red lights. I just throw fucking batteries at them. I fucking hate them.
I love it. What kind of batteries? AAA? D batteries.
Thank you.
Wow. Wow. The heavy batteries. Actually, nine volts. Fuck them. We'll hit them. Heavy duty. Yeah. Heavy duty. I love it, Lazer. And what's your love life like right now? I got a woman down from Buffalo. We just got one of those stripper dogs. Is it a buffalo? Is that what you said? No, a little French bulldog. Oh. Yeah. Oh, the woman I'm dating?
Yeah.
No, she's a doctor. She's a doctor? Yeah. Oh, my God. Whoa. What a dumbass.
Yeah.
Because I'm not a doctor, you know what I'm saying? Wow. I'm guessing she's a proctologist? What's that? Specializes in assholes. She's got a lot of work on her hands.
Oh, shit. Yeah, no, we're hanging out. I thought I had cancer the other day.
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