Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Redmayne, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Yeah, for Tony Hitchcock!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? How about one more time for the best damn band in all the fucking land, huh? Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Huevos Rancheros, Mio Amayo. We got Matt. Brazilian Matt. Fucking... Oh, it's Eli. Okay, Eli, everybody. That's right. Brazilian Eli. Uh...
John D's on the keys, and this here, believe it or not, D motherfucking madness in the house. Oh my God. How exciting is this? A brand new episode of the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Blue Chew, ZipRecruiter, and Shopify. My God. Pure momentum. We're having the time of our lives, and tonight's episode will be no different.
Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, I book this show every week. And one of the things that I've been loving doing lately is, you know, making little chemistry sets, matching up people just right. You're Rob Schneiders and Don L. Rawlings, if you will.
Your Triple Hs and Carrot Tops, if you will. This week, no different. Two of my favorite comedians on planet Earth. One, a master improviser, famous for his unbelievable crowd work. The other, one of the true dark forces of all of stand-up comedy, an absolute man known for closing every show in the main room of the Comedy Store and now the mothership.
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guests, two of my favorites, make some noise for Ian Bagg and Brian Holtzman. Oh, my God. Ian Bagg. Gangster. Kill Tony legend, Brian Holtzman. My goodness. What a fucking panel we have here tonight. Brian Holtzman is back, the Duke of Darkness. Hi, Brian. Say something into the microphone for the people.
How's everybody doing? Yahoo! Shit kicking.
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Chapter 2: What are the highlights of the guests introduced in this episode?
Yeah. Hell yeah. Colt, tell us about you. Tell these people. Oh, man. We know that you work here with us. You're a big part of the team. You've been hustling all around. You've been part of the Kill Tony production crew forever. Yes, sir. What else?
Work at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, Brian Red Band's club. Yeah, make fucking noise.
Yeah.
I run sound over there. I do spots. I'm like a regular over there, I guess.
We have a show every Wednesday. Okay. Jesus, Colt. I mean... How about something else other than plugging gay bullshit? I don't know. I just got a sponsorship for a yo-yo club or a yo-yo team. I'm a professional yo-yoer now. Thank you.
That's pretty fucking boring. Oh, yeah.
Wow. Seems like you might only have a minute worth of material. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Right to the yo-yo. Yeah. Do you have a yo-yo on you? I do, actually. Oh, my God.
Guys.
I need some motherfucking yo-yo music. What do we got? Yo-yo. We need yo-yo music. We got yo-yo. Everybody. We got yo-yo music. We got yo-yo music. Hey. Whoa. Welcome to the dumbest comedy show on planet Earth. Somehow crushing the late night shows. Better numbers than SNL. And somehow, wow, what a flex. Oh my God, there must be so many knots. Unbelievable.
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Chapter 3: What is the format of the show and how does it engage the audience?
Heck yeah. Welcome to the show. Mike, is this your first time on? No, second time. Last time you were on, did I tell you that you look like... Sid. Yeah, from the Toy Story. Actually, I think it was Mark Normand. Yeah, it's all I can see. Who was it, Mark Normand? Yeah, that makes sense. I see it. And how do you not talk about that coming back?
You were here before he gave you a joke and you said, fuck it, I'm going with the transgenders. Come on, man, put it together. Mike Holloway, how long have you been doing stand-up? Uh... Little over five years, like six years. Okay. Where at? Started in KC. Okay. Kansas City. KC. How about JoJo? Did you ever start in JoJo? I don't know what that is. All your life? You prayed for someone like me?
You see where I'm getting here? Okay. Mike Holloway, what do you do for work?
I just got a new job at Tapville Social.
At what?
Tapville Social. It's a new restaurant and bar. Oh, okay.
Up by the campus and the Moody Center. Okay. That's a good plug for them. What's good on their menu? What have they got good over there? Tower of Nachos. Oh, yeah. That's exactly what it looks like you'd be slinging. They got great shit, too. They got a Steak Frites. It's very fancy. Steak Frites.
Steak Frites.
How big is this tower of nachos? Is it true? Is it a drum kit? It's about that high. That's a tower that Red Band wants to 9-11. You know what I'm saying? Go head first right into it. Bring down that tower. How's your yo-yo? Terrible. You can't play yo-yo? No, not really. I can go up and down, but that's about it. I love that it's play yo-yo.
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Chapter 4: What unexpected moments happen during the show?
They love you so much. Yeah. Yeah.
This is how the devil works.
Is nobody listening? Holy shit! It's happening right here. Like...
The ground is just starting to bubble and we got another one. Sarah, unbelievable fucking set. I love the poop in the gym, the Helen Keller, everything. I love seeing the growth. You're a little star. We love you. One more time for the great Sarah Sloan, ladies and gentlemen. Boom.
Wow.
Wait, wait, wait. Sarah, real quick. How could I forget one horse noise for these people?
Yeah.
Sarah's flow. That was her best horse sound. This is Kill Tony.
That's the sound of Colt when you're pulling the yo-yo out of his ass. I love the way he looks like a horse.
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Chapter 5: What happens during the competition between Steven Dozier and Michael Gonzalez?
How many of you have Steven Dozier winning that competition? Holy shit. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? Yeah, no doubt about it. They'll still argue online, I'm sure. But 100%, you could agree that Michael just slightly edged you out there, right, Steven? He's warmed up. He's warmed up. Oh, shit. This motherfucker. Oh, my God. I like your style, Steven.
I love people of all different shapes and sizes coming in here and fucking playing around. Ian? Can I suggest for your stand-up that maybe it's behind a drum kit? It's been that way before. You should do it that way. I'm not being a dick, but you'll go farther. Yes, you are. How often do you come down here? How many times have you signed up, Steven? This is my first time.
First time ever signing up. I came down today. I was the first one at Shakespeare's at noon today. You were there at noon. Look at you, you badass motherfucker. My brother is, he built a nice house up in Georgetown, and I called him yesterday. I said, hey, I'm coming up to go and kill Tony. I'm going to come by and see you. And he's like, you're not, because I'm in Alaska.
Okay, I'm going to Shakespeare's at noon. Well, there you go. Well, look at that. All that energy and manifesting, it got you here.
Chapter 6: What advice is given to Ian regarding his stand-up routine?
It's all your fault. I have literally written two books of material because of you. I love it. I love it. I started watching Kill Tony. I was already thinking about doing comedy when I retired. But I started watching Kill Tony like in March. And then I started writing in May. And I've literally written two books. I wrote something this morning I like a lot.
Okay, let's hear what you wrote this morning. Well, you know how women have that little ring in their nose? Well, back in my day, we would do that with the hogs on the farm. We'd put the ring in the nose on the hogs so they wouldn't root out under the fence. I guess a couple of these bitches got out. Hey, you son of a bitch.
Chapter 7: What insights does Steven share about his journey into comedy?
You son of a bitch. Steven, I'll tell you what. Why don't you come back in a few weeks or something and play drums on the pre-show? Play a song or two with the boys over here. I want you to know, I almost brought my electronic kit with me tonight because you're always talking about how, don't come up here unprepared. You almost brought a whole fucking drum kit. I've got three drum kits.
I got one I'm trying to give away. Wow, look at this guy. I got to stop buying stuff. Ian? Sounds like the wife was insured. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. These dead wife jokes are coming in hot, Steven. I love that you're laughing at him. You have a great fucking sense of humor. You're a hell of a fucking sport. Thank you so much. And here, Steven, here's the big joke book, buddy.
I know you got your hands full. You ready for it? Oh, damn it. Son of a bitch. One more time. How loud can this place get for Steven Docher, everybody? You fucking did it, buddy. Have a great night. There he goes. How exciting. Long interview. Long one. You deserve it, Steven. There he goes. All right. We're going to keep it. You guys still having fun out there? I thought so.
Your next bucket poll, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going by the name of Tommy Tickles, everyone. It's Tommy Tickles. Uh-oh. We know Tommy. He's back. Excellent for Tommy Tickles, everyone. Y'all might have guessed that I'm an amateur taxidermist. I'm a... I'm an amateur because nobody's paying me to kill and stuff all these cats. Especially not my dickhead neighbors. I'm not a very good negotiator.
Chapter 8: What humorous exchanges occur as the show wraps up?
When I first met the future Mrs. Tickles, I was like, I like to have sex when I wake up in the morning. I like to have sex before I go to bed at night. And on the weekends I like to have sex three or four times a day. And she was like, How about a blowjob on your birthday? Okay. 14 blowjobs later and I'm still married. Yeah. I always pay my bills. Maybe not on time. I've never reneged on a bet.
I did get fucked by a black guy twice. Down at the dog track. I always pay my debts, I'm not a re-nigger. If anybody would have called me a re-nigger, I would be pissed. What the fuck did you just say? He said, he said... Hold on, chill, we're gonna go... Oh, whoa, what the fuck? The little things. Carlos Sosa on that sax with the... God has the funniest timing in the world.
Deep Madness coming back from a pee break after an old white man says the N-word a couple times. What did you say? If you don't pay your bets, then you renege on your bets. Right. And I've always paid my bets. Okay. And if anybody were to ask... All right, don't repeat it again. I get it. It actually checks out. Technically, that makes sense. That's a loophole, if I've ever seen one.
That is a loophole. That is a loophole. Leave it to an old country man to find a loophole. Even if you call me a re-nigga? They're calling it John Dees. I would know what you meant. I would know what you meant. I'd be pissed. The blacks have ruled it allowed. After review of the play, the call on the field has been overturned. Tommy Tickles is safe. Pay my bills. Wow. My goodness.
I should have wacky ways to get racial slurs out there too instead of just doing them straight up. I used to think it was a racial slur, but somebody told me, that's not how you spell it. Oh my God, how many times did he write it down before he found out? Yeah, what tombstone did you chisel it on? Here lies a... Let's check in with our senior racial slur correspondent, Brian Holtzman.
I didn't hear anything derogatory about anything.
Tommy Tickles. Look at you. What a character. It is adorable old man night here at the Comedy Mothership. Back to back. The world's wackiest fucking nursing home. I don't know if you guys remember the movie Cocoon, but this is what's happening here tonight. Yeah, I know. That's a reference you would make. Tommy, how old are you? I'm 51. Fifty-one. Fifty-one? They just read that.
Why do the people that sign up for the show look so old? All right, all right. You look fantastic, bud. Don't let them put you down. No. Why do you look so old? How many of your wives have killed themselves? All of them. I've been married 14 years, happily married. Amazing, amazing. How do you keep things fresh in the bedroom, Tommy Tickles? All right, I got a few... Okay, wow. He was ready.
You know, you've got your quickie, which is easy, but, you know, if you're gonna prepare, you might as well set the mood with a little music or whatever, and, you know, don't have anything funny on TV. Hell yeah. Cats, you know, make sure your cats and your dogs are outside and whatever. Okay. But I have a position for you, like when you're going down on a lady, on a lady.
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