Transcript generated automatically by AI and may contain errors.
Chapter 1: What is discussed at the start of this section?
Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv.
And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hello, do you see me? England? London? It's me, the young king, here with the prime rib minister, Brian Redman, inviting you to the lovely O2 Arena for one night only, June 7th. That's enough. It's enough. Too much sauerkraut for your hat. Get in front of the sign, you buffoon. That's why you're not true royalty.
Hey, this is your only chance to see us on the other side of the world, because we're pure-blood Americans. We're putting on an act right now, pretending to be English, to get you to buy tickets, making us feel like we're connected in some way. But... We are coming. The number one live comedy show in the world is coming to the O2 Arena, London, England, June 7th.
Get tickets right now at the only place where you can get them, TonyHinchcliffe.com. And we'll see you there. For royalty waits for no one. Somebody put on some Elton John.
You too? Oh, oh, oh. Hey, this is Redneck, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock!
Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? and make some noise for the best damn band in the land. There you go. That feels about right. Holy shit, what a performance, huh? This is J-Mo joining us on the keys tonight, everybody. Sean Greenberg on the electric guitar while John Dees and Matt Muehling are out of town.
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Chapter 2: What upcoming event is highlighted in the episode?
That, of course, is Huevos Rancheros, Grooveline Horns over there. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo. Nachos Bel Grande. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Big Mike, getting a little bit bigger every week. We have a little thing, we put his head against the wall and use a pencil. He's getting bigger and bigger every single week. Big Mike, we love Big Mike.
That's a good Trump impression. I've never seen a Latino do a Trump impression before. You know what? You're going to the White House, buddy. And ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the one and only D Madness on the bass guitar, live, in the flesh, the real deal, D motherfucking Madness. We have a hell of an episode planned for you here tonight. I'm very excited about it.
Before it gets started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Seems like all the volume's coming from this side. Is this side ready to start the fucking show? Every single week, I book this show strategically, myself, all by my fucking self.
And I have been excited very few times more than tonight for this is one of those nights where I knock off someone who I've wanted as a guest on this show since its inception 12 years ago. Every Monday for 12 years, we've put out an episode, and this man has never been on before. One of the greatest comedians of all time.
Get on your fucking feet and make some noise for the great and powerful Carrot Top! Carrot Top!
There's nothing worse than an intro. This is the best guy in the world. Then you eat shit. But we'll see. Thanks for having me, man. This is so beautiful. This is mine? I have two mics.
That's how important I am. They don't want to miss one word. One man, two mics. One lighter. What a hot crowd. You look good. It's dark. I can't see anybody, but you look good. You look fantastic. I look fucking great, actually. I know. We were talking before the show. He's been working in Vegas for 30 years. He's been doing comedy for 40-plus years, ladies and gentlemen.
Look at this fucking guy. Thank you. Turns out... Thank you. That's a good hair right there. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight, Carrot Top. I'm so happy that you're here. Over 200 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this. Wild little bucket where anything can happen. The whole show's improvised. I'm going to let this... It's like Rip Taylor's act right there.
Yeah. Just a bucket of confetti. Young people don't know that. Yeah. Nobody remembers that at all. Oh, look at that. Oh, shit. That might have been the guy. That's destiny right there. Shit, that was the guy that was going to come up. Look at that. I love this guy. Let's just do it. Yeah, let's go with that one.
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Chapter 3: How is Carrot Top introduced to the audience?
But look at you now. You've been working hard? I have, yes.
At the Gap. No.
I can't fuck with people. No, it's good. You are correct. That is a starter set clothing straight off of a mannequin. Yeah. I didn't want to wear distracting clothing. Well, you played it just right, my friend. Perfect. We need Martin Phillips to draw a little something on there afterwards. Give it a little color. I love it. So how long have you been doing stand-up? Five years now. Five years.
Where at all of it? I started in Dallas. I moved here about almost three years ago now. Awesome. What do you do for work? I work at Chewy's Tex-Mex. Ooh, wow. The crowd goes wild for Chewy's Tex-Mex. You're a waiter there? I am, yes. Okay. You doing good? You working a lot of shifts? Yeah, I usually work doubles, Friday, Saturday, if I don't have shows, and then a couple other days.
You work mostly lunches so that your nights are free to do stand-up? Yeah, I try to, yeah. Yeah. That's fun. That's a lot of fun. We have some new items on the menu now. Tell us about the new items on the menu. We brought back pork. We haven't had pork in a while. We have a macho burrito that has guacamole inside and hatched green chili sauce on the outside. Oh, my God. It's fucking amazing.
Green chili rice is back. I work with a macho pork burrito every week. It's a red band. Wow, I hit your shoulder and pubes started flying up in the air. Look at that.
little souvenir for you sir you look like the it looked like a great pube it could have been yours to begin with look at this fucking guy right here you visiting from new york dallas oh okay well geez i guess i'm gonna ask no why would you say that i'm from dallas this fucking guy you look like a mobster what do you do for work Architect. Kills people. Wow. Look at him. He's got a look.
An architect. Wait, I need to do something. Hold on.
Yeah.
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Chapter 4: What unique format does the show follow with audience participation?
Right, but you've never lived together. You've stayed over at a girl's house. Yes. How old are you, Kyle? How old am I? Yes. I'm 31. 31. So this will be your first time living with a girl. Yes. Do you have any weird habits that you're kind of nervous about? I mean, look at him.
Yeah.
Does she have any weird habits? Well, she doesn't... I sometimes, like, scream before I pee. I don't know why, but... Yeah. Like, not like a blood-curdling woman. Just like, ah! Like, do you know how some people sigh?
He's just...
You scream before you pee? Yeah. Wow. In pain or just for fun? I really like, I don't know. I like peeing. I don't know. I'm just like... It's an excited scream. Yeah. Does it burn or something? No. This is incredible. So you scream before you pee. How about when you stay at her place? Have you noticed anything weird about her? Does she have anything weird? Anything stand out to you?
Women can be, you know, I mean, just from my experience, they can make the bathroom a little messy. They put their shit everywhere. Are you ready to have an actual female roommate? I think so. I mean, we spend a lot of time together. Yeah. Is she alive?
The way you're answering these questions is very suspicious. She's at Chewy's right now.
We spend a lot of time together. She pretty much does whatever I want her to do. Everyone's consenting, yeah. Incredible. What does she do for work? She works at Chewy's.
That's how we met. It's a Chewy's love story. She's the manager.
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Chapter 5: What new material does Jake Coulter present during his set?
The long, long sets that he does on the road and somehow kicking out a new minute every week on this show. This looks like a familiar name coming back out of the bucket for the first time in a while. Make some noise. A new minute from Jake Coulter, everyone. Jake Coulter.
So did anybody else used to think that bestiality was illegal because that's how you create supreme beings?
Chapter 6: What humorous thoughts does Jake share about bestiality?
Like... Like getting a dog pregnant creates werewolves. Getting a horse pregnant creates centaurs. Flushing your cum down the toilet sends it to the ocean. Sends it to the ocean, getting fish pregnant, creating mermaids. But see, I'm gullible and white trash, so the second I realized I was attracted to every mermaid I seen on TV, I was like, yup, those gotta be my daughters.
Like, I've seen The Little Mermaid, so obviously my next move was to go get some scuba shit so I could find some Octobitch, somehow convince her to use her magic to take my new kids' voices away before my new kids tell someone else that I'm their dad and I get charged with bestiality.
There it is, all the way to the limit, Jake Coulter. Welcome back, Jake. Thank you, thank you. I remember you. Oh. Oh. I hope that's a good thing. Do you remember Tony? Oh, yes, for sure. Jake, remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up?
I hit a year in September, so about a year and a half now.
Okay, a year and a half. Remind me what happened last time you were on.
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Chapter 7: How does Jake Coulter describe his experience in stand-up comedy?
It was something kind of epic, right? I remember a big moment happening with you. You thought I was retarded. That's right. That's right. That's right. but in an unbelievable twist, you're not. What is your condition?
I don't think I have one besides, like, social anxiety.
Chapter 8: What job does Jake Coulter have, and what does he do at HEB?
Okay. All right. I mean, like, I could put my foot over my head. I don't know if that's a condition.
You could put your foot over your head? Let's see that. I mean, we gotta see it.
Wow.
Wow. That is incredible. Now do both. Do both. Can you do both? No, no, no. It's nothing then.
I'm sorry.
Incredible, Jake. Okay. If you did both, we might have a prize for you. What do you do for work, Jake? I just started at HEB. Oh, nice! The best... The absolute best, a Texas delicacy, the greatest grocery store in the world. What exactly do you do at HEB? So I'm cross-functional, so I do everything. Is that what the doctor said you are? Yes. Cross-functional. Oh, man. Wow.
And what is it that you find yourself doing the most at H-E-B with all of these functions that you can do?
Well, I just got through orientation, so next I'm going to be a bagger on Wednesday. Wow. That's incredible.
Red band. Why would you hit that? Only once. It was so perfect. You should hit it again. I love it. So they told you that you're cross-functional. They said you're highly talented, and you haven't done anything yet, but you're going to start as a bagger. So they think you're retarded, too. This is very exciting that I'm not the only one.
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