How to have better conversations
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What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
NPR.org
How can prepping a few topics before a conversation reduce anxiety?
There was a study that was done at Harvard Business School where they asked students, before they had a conversation with a stranger, they asked all the students to write down three topics that they thought they could discuss. This took like 10 seconds, right? People would write down this weekend's game and what TV shows I watch, just little dumb throwaway things. And then they went and they had conversations with strangers. And everyone would put the card away. Many of them would put it in their back pocket and And the topics they had jotted down often never came up. But the fact that they were there almost overwhelmingly made all of the participants feel less anxious about those discussions. And as a result, those discussions went much, much better.
You're listening to Life Kit. I'm Marielle Segarra. And you just heard from Charles Duhigg, reporter and author of the book Super Communicators. It's a deep dive on how to have better conversations. A lot of the time we're talking at other people, not to them or with them. Our goal is to impart information or impress someone or prove that we're right. But Charles says if what we actually want to do is connect, we need to learn certain conversational skills. The good news is these are skills that you can learn. You can become, as Charles puts it, a super communicator.
What we've learned is that it's not an inborn trait. It's not that introverts can do it better than extroverts or vice versa. Rather, there are some people who have just paid a little bit more attention to how they communicate with other people.
What physiological changes show we’re truly connecting with someone?
On this episode, LifeKit reporter Andy Tegel talks to Charles about these skills and how they can lead to better conversations and ultimately a happier life.
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Charles, let's talk a little bit about the power of connection. I think everyone would agree that it's nice to have a nice conversation, but that's different than real meaningful connection, right? I'm really fascinated by the physiological effects that connecting can have on people. Can you talk to us about that a little bit?
Yeah, absolutely.
How can you tell whether a conversation is practical, emotional, or social?
So when we really connect with someone in conversation, when we are sort of on what you might refer to as the same wavelength, what's interesting is it's reflected in our bodies and our brains. So right now we're having a conversation, even though we're separated by hundreds of miles. And yet, if we could measure this, what we would see is that your eye pupils and my eye pupils are starting to dilate at the same rate. Our breath patterns are starting to match each other. Our heart rates are starting to match each other. And even more importantly, if we could see inside our brains, what we would see is that my brainwaves are starting to look like your brainwaves and vice versa. Within psychology and neurology, this is known as neural entrainment.
And it's at the core of how we communicate with each other. And what it tells us is that communication is connection.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
0:00–0:24
2
How can prepping a few topics before a conversation reduce anxiety?
0:24–1:55
3
What physiological changes show we’re truly connecting with someone?
1:55–2:30
4
How do you define a “learning conversation” that builds understanding?
2:30–2:51
5
What is looping for understanding and how do you use it?
2:51–3:45
6
How can you tell whether a conversation is practical, emotional, or social?
3:45–4:54
7
Which deep questions open people up and why does asking “why” work?
4:54–6:48
8
How do you prepare better questions to get real answers from kids and strangers?
6:48–22:32
Speakers
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