Skiing, Phone Theft & A Colonoscopy
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What are the highlights of Vogue's skiing trip?
And... And... Oh, it doesn't matter.
It doesn't. Herself indoors. Vogue is coming to us live from the slopes of Alpen.
Of Alpen. Alpen. Picking the raisins out left, right and centre up here. Love it. I'm having, honestly, it is just my favourite holiday. And I know that, like, I'm very lucky to be away doing it and skiing with the kids. A position of off-piste privilege. On-piste. Are you off-piste or on-piste when you're skiing? I'm always on-piste. Sometimes. I've done a couple of jumps today, to be fair, but mostly on-piste.
What does that mean, on-piste?
So on-piste is like the slopes that are, slopes that are like cultivated for people to ski on. Off-piste are the slopes that are not cultivated. But some people, have you ever seen that on TikTok? Where some people go, they go up on a helicopter to the top of a mountain and basically ski down, like mad stuff. Not for me.
I dated a man before who got dropped off of the... The helicopter? Yeah. No, no, no, no. We went up on the ski lift. Yeah, the Sky Walter. Well, everyone goes on the ski lift. No, no, no, that's not the story. I'm not like, oh my God, he did what? That's it. That's it, yeah. Just got the lift off the top. Never heard from him since.
He just shooped, shooped away from my life. Shooped, shooped out. He's gone in the gondola.
Stop him. off into the sunset off he went shoopy shoop I'm on the phone hello three years later now he went up on the ski lift and he got off the ski lift I think he's still up there about just doing laps laps of Alpen I think I spotted him at the top there earlier on I swear to God just doing laps of Alpen I was like you're your man Joanne's looking for you laughing She's pissed off. You went off pissed. He then he was released from the ski lift as is tradition, I believe. He went to ski down and realized he was out of his depth.
Oh, no.
Like ski wise. He was like, oh, no, no, no. I can't do this. So. They had to get one of those... Stretchers? Yeah. No! Yeah, it's the most undignified thing I've ever seen. They get a stretcher with these absolute ski beast men who could ski across water. They're just so capable. And they packed him into a sleeping bag and put him on a little gurney or whatever, minus the wheels, and skied him back down. And his friends were taking videos and all. And it was, I will say, it was undignified. It was undignified. I was saying to him, I was like, I really wish you hadn't shown me that, to be honest. I wish I hadn't seen that. God love him, yeah.
I don't understand how people get it so wrong, though. Well, we didn't bump into this man. There's a man lying in a ditch. He'd fallen over. And I was like, oh, God, we'll have to go and help him up. So I went and helped him up. Not a helmet on. And then realized, oh, hang on, this man cannot ski. And he was on his own. And I was like, then I was like, I can't leave him. So I started snow plowing him down. And then I got to the bottom where it was real. I had to pick him up three times. He couldn't. Can a peasant ask a question? What's ski ploughing? What's snow ploughing or whatever? So snow ploughing, it's like a pizza slice. So you put your skis into, the skis go into the tip. So it's like you're doing a pizza slice and it's how you stop.
He couldn't even do that. And then I was like, I took him a part of the way down and then I was like, I can't keep helping this guy. I wouldn't mind, but he was wearing like a four grand ski suit or something. He was wearing Moncler. Everything was Moncler. And I was like, you can afford a lesson.
get it there's a saying for when someone has all the gear but no experience no idea all the gear no idea it works better in an English accent doesn't it Joe all the gear no idea doesn't sound quite right for us but yeah I think it's one of those things probably the more you spend in the ski suit the less experience you have because you're trying to you're trying to ski on charisma basically 10 steps and hope no one notices do you know what I mean yeah
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