Tips for Navigating Sensory, Social, & Emotional Differences in Your ND Relationships-Grace Myhill
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What is the purpose of the Neurodiverse Love Podcast and who is the host?
Welcome to the Neurodiverse Love Podcast. I'm Mona Kay and I was married for 30 years and in that relationship for 32. We didn't find out that we were a neurodiverse couple until our 29th year of marriage. I've been divorced since 2018 and together we have an amazing adult daughter who is thriving and doing fantastic. My hope is that as you navigate your relationship, But the information shared in this podcast will help you better understand the strengths, differences, and challenges you may have in your mixed neurotype relationship. If you would like to learn more about the resources I have available, I hope you will also check out my website at neurodiverse love dot com. And I also hope you will subscribe to the podcast and let me know what you like about each episode.
Thank you so much for listening to the Neurodiverse Love Podcast. Hi, Grace. It's so nice to see you. Thank you so much for joining me for the Neurodiverse Love Conference.
Thank you, Mona. Great to be here.
And I know you work with a lot of neurodiverse couples. And I know one of the issues that a lot of couples deal with is what is called pathological demand avoidance, but we're just gonna call it PDA because a lot of other people call it demand for autonomy or autonomy. So I'd love to hear how you help couples who are struggling with this demand for autonomy, because it can create some real challenges in relationships.
Sure. So the way I've heard it recently is the persistent drive for autonomy, uh, which sounds so much better than anything pathological, uh, that it had been pathological demand avoidance. Um, my understanding from hearing from many clients on the spectrum is that when they hear something from somebody that it feels slightly like a demand. They just want to say no. And even if it's coming from their own brain, they also want to say no. So it can be like they know that they have to um get online and look for a job, you know, but it feels like they're losing their autonomy because it's being imposed on them from outside. And so I think it's first of all helpful to tell um the partner that this is not about you.
This is about a knee-jerk reaction in the other person that they don't know how to deal with this. They don't want to be this way either because sometimes they take it very, very personally. And of course that makes sense. You know, you ask your partner to do something, you're looking for help and support. And instead of getting what you would consider a loving response, You're getting a little bit more. No. Um, and that's that hurts. So first understanding it um is very, very helpful. But I did come up with a tool to help couples uh avoid going down this path. And I call it the three-sentence request. And it's very important that the word request is in the tool because it reinforces. It reinforces that it is not at all a demand.
And so it goes like The first sentence is a neutral factual statement that sets the context. For example, Garbage pickup is tomorrow. It's something no one would argue about. It just is. And it it, you know, sets sets the other person up to go, Oh, we're gonna be talking about something related to the garbage pickup tomorrow. The second statement Is the actual request. And it's very important that it starts with can you please? And it's very important too that it's specific with timing because so many times partners have different expectations about when a request will be met. So the second statement may be. Um, can you please put the trash outside on the street by eight o'clock tonight? And the third statement is something that couples rarely say to each other.
It's really about how good you'll feel if your partner did what you're asking. And in this case it might be that would make me feel so taken care of. Now you're setting your partner up to want to say yes. So it helps them understand that this is not at all a demand, but it's an opportunity, an opportunity to make their partner feel good. And uh and knowing that is is hugely helpful. However, the response can either be sure or it can also be here's the challenge.
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Chapters
3 chaptersSpeakers
1 identifiedMore from Neurodiverse Love with Mona Kay, MSW, Ph.D.
Lessons Learned & Lived Experiences: Mona’s Final Solo Episode
Improving Regulation & Communication-Jill Corvelli, Daniel Dashnaw, Barbara Grant & Jessie Mahoney
How is Neurodivergence Impacting Your Relationship?-Karen Doherty
Could I Really Be Autistic? Your First Steps to Self Discovery-Sarah Hendrickx
Imposter Syndrome, RSD, PDA & More-Panel Presentation from 2025 Neurodiverse Love Conference
Creating Consensual Reality in Your Neurodiverse Relationship-Margaret Cocharan