UNCUT | Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays
episodePreviously titled “Hasan Minhaj Wants to Cancel Birthdays” — renamed by the publisher on Sep 1, 2026
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Why Should Restaurants Stop Singing Happy Birthday to Adults?
So what's your take? This is a note to all restaurants. Stop singing happy birthday to adults. 100% disagree. I'm sorry. I want it. No, no. If you're at a Mexican restaurant and you're making adults sing to you, it's embarrassing for everybody. They're getting paid for it. No, no, no. They're getting paid.
What are you, a fucking medieval lord?
Get out of here. It's embarrassing for the staff? No, they like it. They hate it. This is why you're a content creator. They fucking hate it. No, they don't. It's embarrassing to them? It's embarrassing to other patrons at the restaurant, and it's embarrassing to the person whose birthday it is.
What restaurants are you going to where all of that madness and sadness is happening? Dude, dude. Have you ever been to Dallas BBQ? Yes. You like when they sing happy birthday to you? See, that is what I'm talking about. Yeah, don't you like attention? This is nuts.
This is nuts. This is nuts.
You're on a train. You're making grown adults sing to you because you're 43 years old? What's the problem with it?
That's fucking crazy. You make adults change your tires? No, no, no. And change your oil? That's different. And clean your teeth? That's so different.
How is it different? That's less humiliating. What? Bro. The guy's in your mouth. I just turned 39. They sang me happy birthday. Like, I was in the office, like five people brought out a cookie. Your office is not a restaurant. A restaurant, it's worse. It's worse. Hey, are you offended if someone sings? Do you feel bad when they sing happy birthday to you? Hell no. At a restaurant? This is crazy.
This is madness. This is madness. Nice to meet you. I'm sorry, dude. No, no, no, no, no. The popular opinion stands with Kareem Rama.
Every time you sing to a grown adult, it sounds like you're talking to me in italics. I feel embarrassed when they sing. Okay, I feel embarrassed too. Yeah, I felt humiliated, I felt ashamed. It's different when you're a kid. For a child, it's affirming. Yes. No, but see, they're children. They deserve, we should sing happy birthday to them. It's not even their birthday. They're just running around. They're running on bucking the streets. Yes, they're gallivanting through the streets of New York. They deserve to be saying happy birthday too. To be an adult and be like, it's my day, you should be sent to Abu Ghraib. So that's my first thing. Okay, let them cook. My second thing... I hope to God that I agree with you on this one.
We need to eliminate office birthday cards. 100% agree. Okay? You know when they're passing it around and they're like, oh, it's Carol's birthday. Don't show her. Don't show her.
Yeah. Don't show her gets me every time. Yeah. She doesn't give a fuck about this card.
She could give a fuck about everyone's Greyhound bus stall scribble. Also, I don't like Cheryl. I don't like her at all. I don't want to write in her car, though. So I'm going to write like... Who's getting off on HBD exclamation point?
I think in general, the culture around birthdays should end at about 16.
16, I was going to say. Or 18, maybe.
Actually, we need to go to 21. No, no, no, fuck that. 0 to 15, you get your quinceanera.
We'll give 16 to the whites. Sweet 16, you guys get that. 16 to 80? I'm saying for us. For us beige folk, we get 0 to 15. Other people get the sweet 16. 16 to 80? Nothing. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to be invited. You can't invite me to it.
Or alternatively, you celebrate the person who gave birth. Oh, but that's Mother's Day. No, but two Mother's Days. You have Mother's Day and you have Father's Day. Yes. The birthday is to celebrate both parents. Oh, shit. This is like Parents' Day. Birthday is Parents' Day. I actually think your birthday should just be doubles Mother's Day.
Just two moms.
Yeah, well, two mothers.
Okay, that's a good take. I like that. Okay, then 16 to 80, no birthdays. At all. The moment you turn 80, every year we're doing your birthdays are back. Oh, okay. 90, starting at 90, we do half birthdays. Or we just call them alive days. Like you're still trucking. But the fact that there's like 47-year-olds that are like, everyone meet me in the Bahamas. Fuck you.
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Chapters
2 chaptersSpeakers
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