Chapter 1: What humorous topics do Bryan and Krissy discuss at the start?
One thing you can count on me for is to not suffer in silence. If I'm feeling any sort of way, it could be just off kilter 0.1%. You're going to know about it.
On this episode of the commercial break.
I wish I could go to frat parties and hang out and go to cool concerts and do cool things on campus without all the book stuff or, you know, be taking tests and shit like that. But I do.
A lot of kids do that their freshman year.
Yeah, of course. That's freshman year is four. Yeah, that's why a gap year is never a bad thing, right? Unless you're like me and you just, the gap year becomes a gap four decades.
Gap life. Yeah, gap life. Gap life. The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now.
Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Bluey to my bingo, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
Best to you, Brian.
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Chapter 2: How does Bryan's experience with a deep dick fake unfold?
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. I appreciate it. I'm already missing the Olympics.
I know. I'm already missing the Olympics. Everybody I've talked to says the same thing.
Yeah, because I used to pop open my social media and then I would see all the funny Olympics stuff. Now I pop open my social media and Elon and Trump are talking. And I'm like... Can we bring back that breakdancing girl, Ray Gunn? Where's Ray Gunn?
Or the pole vaulting.
Where's Ray Gunn? Or, yeah, Big Dick guy. Where's Big Dick pole vaulter? Where's Big Pole guy?
I wonder if he's going to take up the offer for him to, what was it, $250,000?
Yeah, $250,000 to show his schlong for an hour on some seedy-ass website. Hey, I'd do it.
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Chapter 3: What biohacks does Rafa share with Bryan?
Why not? Yeah. What do you got to be embarrassed about?
No.
They said you don't have to get, like, they just said you gotta show it for a period of time. Like, show it for at least 15 minutes of the hour or something like that.
Just show it.
Yeah, very specific deal.
It just stands there?
Yeah. Just show it and then read all the treacherously dumb comments that come in telling you to do stuff like, stick a hot needle in your penis.
Yeah. Turns me on.
Oh, God. No, I probably wouldn't do it. No, I'd do it. Well, not with this penis I wouldn't, but with his penis I would. If I could borrow his penis. If AI could recreate his penis on my penis, then I'd do it in a heartbeat. Of course, with my luck, the AI would stop working at some point. It'd be like, uh-oh. A Brian deep fake. Oh, a deep dick fake. That's what we need.
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Chapter 4: What is the Shakti mat and how does it affect Bryan?
It's an AI assistant. Claude. It's such horseshit. It's such horseshit. I mean, the deepfake stuff is not funny. No. It's bad. Yeah. But it's not even particularly good. Like, even when you see photos of it, it's just clear that it's AI because AI can't quite get it right. I mean, it'll eventually get it right, but it can't quite get it right. So you're still able to determine.
Of course, I did follow on Instagram that girl one time for a year until I realized she was AI. And it said right on the profile, AI.
Yeah.
You were checking in on her?
Yeah, I was checking in on her.
What was she doing? Was she going all over the world?
She was going all over the world for the first six months, and then for the second six months, it was like she was playing strip travel every time she ended up in a new space.
Follow your dreams.
Follow your dreams. Here's my labia.
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Chapter 5: What funny stories does Bryan share about his neighbors?
Oh, really? Yes. Oh, I got to check it out now. I was hoping to, you know, stay out of Love and Light Girl for a while. Because the last couple of videos I've seen of hers, they're just like snooze fests. They're not really all that interesting. They're not even like not on purpose funny. They're just kind of like snooze fests.
Well, and this girl does, she has a very successful online business where she does, you know, Energy word.
Energy readings. I do energy readings. Speaking of energy readings. So I go over to Rafa's house today, you know, going over. Hey, Rafa. Hey, Rafa. Going over to visit my friend. We already said this once. I know. We'll say it again. I go over to Rafa's house to just check in. He's like, I tell him yesterday, I said, hey, listen. I'm just snoozing in the afternoons.
I'm trying to keep my eyes awake after we get done with these shows, but I can't. It's really difficult. It's almost as if someone's given me a narcotic. It really is. That somatic response is so heavy. And I said, it sucks. I mean, not that I was ever particularly wakey-bakey, but I – and I like to take – It's that afternoon crash.
Chapter 6: What embarrassing graduation card mix-up does Bryan recount?
It's that afternoon crash, and it's terrible, and I hate it. And I know it probably has something to do with the coffee I'm drinking or the terrible food that I'm eating or what a cream and cereal, whatever. But I said to myself – I was just sharing this with him, and he's like, oh, I got the biohack of all biohacks, bro.
Yes, he does.
And I'm like, listen, I love my brother Raphael. There's like, we're certainly, we're maybe even married in some other life and we're just like karmatically twisted up together and we're never going to leave each other. But he does have a biohack every third day. Like there's a new biohack. There's something new. He's one of those guys. To his credit, always trying something new. Yeah.
Always trying to figure it out. To my discredit, I'm, you know, always doing the same thing. Never want to be bothered. But, you know, when he starts talking about biohacks, I get extra sleepy. I'm like... Okay, Ralph, I got it. I get extra sleepy. Now I'm just extra sleepy. But he says, listen, you guys, do yourself a favor. Drop the kid off at school. Get your ass over to my house.
And then I'm going to give you this super amino acid shake with a double shot of mushrooms. Not the kind of mushrooms you're thinking about, but just like regular mushrooms. And then you're going to try my Shakti mat. And I'm like, your Shakti mat? What is that? It's basically a bed of nails. And I'm like, oh, that sounds refreshing.
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Chapter 7: How does Bryan feel about the trends in college dorm decorations?
Let me take a dip in a bed of nails. What are you fucking talking about, dude? And he's like, it's just Matt that replicates the bed of nails. It's not really nails, but it's like nails, but it'll feel like nails. And I'm like, okay, I'm not, I don't know what, I got a bad back as it is. And I can go laying down on a bed of nails on purpose at 815 in the morning. So I get up there. I go.
It's hugs and kisses. Hey, how you doing? And it's been a minute since we've seen each other face to face. And so when I walk into the kitchen, Chelsea greets me. His wife greets me at the door. And then we walk into the kitchen. And then Rafa is literally on the floor on this mat. And he's like zoned out. And he's like, oh, hey, brother. And Chelsea's like, do you want me to help you up?
Because he's on this Shakti mat. And he's like, no, no, no. Let me do it myself this time. And I'm like, if you have to be helped up from this, Matt, I'm not sure that's like the kind of biohack I'm looking for. I already need to be helped up in the mornings. You know what I'm saying? So he gets up gingerly, gets up, and then he turns around to put his shirt on because his shirt's off.
He turns around to put his shirt on. And there are literally thousands of little pinpoints in his back. His back is bright red. I mean, bright red. Like it hurts so bad to look at it.
Chapter 8: What insights does Bryan share about parenting and school transitions?
Nah, I don't even know if I want to even touch the thing, let alone lay on it. But he convinces me. And I, okay, I'm gay. Did you have to get naked? I took my shirt off, which I'm sure is exactly what Chelsea wanted to see at 8.15 in the morning. Yeah. A strange man, not a strange man, but a very familiar man with his shirt off. That's not what I was looking for this morning.
But okay, Brian, go for it. So I take my shirt off and then he's telling me how to get on this mat where I should position my body. And I slowly start to lay down. But it's kind of one of those things like jumping into a cold pool, which he does, by the way, also. He's like a cold plunge kind of guy, right? He's been taking cold showers for years now.
And I'm like, dude, I get in a cold shower for one minute and I'm done for the year. I'm like, that was enough. Yeah, it's too cold. Please don't let my hot water go out because I don't know that I'll survive. I'm like 40 minutes in a hot shower kind of guy. That's what I am. He's like, no, two minutes in a cold shower. That's all you need. And I'm like, oh, fuck.
How do you even get clean in two minutes? He does not wash his legs. No, he definitely doesn't wash his legs. So I start to like roll my back. You know, I sit down on my butt and I start to roll my back on this. And the pain level goes to 11 immediately because they really are like nails. They are razor sharp. And I just roll my back down.
Then I just kind of plop down on it because it hurts so bad. The first part hurts so bad that I'm like, fuck it, just get into it. So I kind of plop down on the mat and he wants me to put it where my head goes on it, too. I don't have any fucking hair. And so it's going right into the skin on the back of my head, your scalp. Yeah. And that part was very uncomfortable.
Like it hurt like a son of a bitch. So now he's like walking me through this whole experience, right? He's like, okay, a bunch of people have tried this. Don't worry about it. You can make it a minute. You're doing good. You get it two minutes. You start to feel the pain will start to go away. At minute number three, it's going to be intense pain. And I'm like, this is an intense pain?
Minute number three? I got to wait through three minutes to get more pain? What is this, a contraction or a Shakti mat? I don't know what's going on here. But minute number four, it'll all start to melt away. And then you're going to feel like a heat, like a real heat sensation. And that's when the magic is happening.
And I'm like, I'm pretty sure when your body is in pain, 11 out of 10, and it feels hot, that means you've been like bitten by a rattlesnake or something. It doesn't mean you're about to feel better, but you know, he's convinced me that, you know, this is going to happen. And as if, as if he was inside my body, that's exactly what happened. Minute number one, completely uncomfortable.
You want to jump out of your skin. Minute number two, a little bit better, but not great. Like you go down to a nine. Minute number three, you jump up because now your body's really alive. There's a bunch of blood back there. The nerves are firing off. Minute number four, you start to numb out. And then you get this really hot sensation.
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