Humanity and Earth have been locked in an eternal struggle to see which can destroy the other first. But today is the one day we give it up for ol' roundy. It's Earth Day! Jon Stewart reports on Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio's efforts to get the word out for Earth Day. Sam Bee talks to environmentalists to see if she can get them on her side. Lewis Black chokes on celebrity environmentalism. Matt Walsh learns about a corporate alternative to The Lorax. Jon breaks down President George W. Bush's Earth Day address, and finally decides to declare F*ck the Earth Day after all. See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
Chapter 1: What was the atmosphere and key messages at the 30th Earth Day celebration?
America celebrates Earth Day! Only 363 shopping days until next Earth Day. Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio joined forces in Washington Saturday, celebrating the 30th anniversary of Earth Day. The celebration was held amidst a rock festival atmosphere, except there was no rock, no festival, and as we all learned from the speakers, no atmosphere.
Chapter 2: How did Al Gore emphasize the urgency of the environmental decade?
We have to make the next 10 years the environment decade. in America and around the world. We have to stand against the apologists for pollution, those who believe in the old politics of environmental irresponsibility.
Inspiring words from a man whose 1992 bestseller, Earth and the Balance, now sits in landfills across the country. The crowd was also treated to the music of David Crosby, who was then treated to the sound of people heading over to the Smithsonian to see Archie Bunker's chair. Leonardo DiCaprio's much-debated Bill Clinton interview also aired this weekend.
The president took Leo on a tour of the dimly lit and romantic White House.
We started a project here at the White House called the Greening of the White House. Just by changing the lighting in this whole building, we lowered our electric bills by $100,000 a year.
After blowing his wow-wad early, DiCaprio scoured his journalist's handbook for other stinging retorts like, geez, and awesome, and can a player get a table dance? The day after Thanksgiving, you feel stuffed. The day after Valentine's Day, loved or angry. And the day after Earth Day, you feel mildly embarrassed that you forgot yesterday was Earth Day. Our Sam Bee has another take.
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Chapter 3: What are Sam Bee's views on the human impact on Earth?
Planet Earth. We can't seem to do enough for it. We celebrate it, clean it. We even feature Leo in an issue of Vanity Fair about it. And for all we do, how does Mother Earth treat us? with a human kill rate of 100%. Mother Nature is one ungrateful whore. Clearly, the Earth hates our freedom, but try telling that to the Blame Humans First crowd.
Alright, so here I am at Earth Day talking to some stupid hippie about some stupid food. The Earth isn't doing anything bad. We're doing the bad things to the Earth. Okay, isn't it a little childish to talk about who started what when and who's doing what to whom? The point is we're in this war and we have to win it.
You know, we're really psyched about this product. It's new from Stonyfield. It comes in several different flavors. There's strawberry banana.
Should it taste like feet?
I love mother earth. Oh, really? Yes, I do.
Well, when you suckled at your mother's teeth, did molten hot lava pour out into your mouth?
We've got 5% of the population using 25% of the natural resources, polluting 30% of the earth. And so that's a failed system. Do you do push-ups? No, I don't.
People come out, and we raise awareness, and we're being saved.
To win this war, we may need science. So I met with NASA climatologist Gavin Schmidt to find out how we can learn from our past mistakes. I'm just an average person without access to an earthquake ray or a Death Star. How can I join the fight against Earth?
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Chapter 4: How does NASA climatologist Gavin Schmidt view the fight against Earth’s environmental challenges?
That's what they said about destroying the ozone layer, but score one for humans.
Actually, the ozone layer is well on its way to recovery.
Damn it! Fortunately, there is a way out.
Today, I announce a new plan to extend a human presence across our solar system with human missions to Mars and to worlds beyond.
I'm just keeping myself cool.
It's a warm spring day.
It might have to be.
We'll be right back.
When a news story falls through the cracks, our own Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call Back in Black.
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Chapter 5: What is Lewis Black’s perspective on celebrity environmentalism on Earth Day?
You really think that'll undo the environmental damage caused by this?
Everybody get the car!
Get the car! Get the car! Everybody get the car! Over on ABC, 2020 both documented and lived out mankind's excess by flying reporters to file live reports from six of the seven continents.
Every second of every single day, thousands of trees are being cut down. In fact, in just the one minute that I've been talking, an area the size of 60 football fields has been wiped out.
Then for God's sakes, stop talking! Your inane blather is raping the earth! Host Diane Sawyer talked to a scientist from Antarctica and found out it's cold there.
You can step outside for a few seconds, but you certainly don't want to stand around for a minute or two. You get frostbitten very quickly at these temperatures.
So is your pole thinning?
I'll tell you right now, if I go through the trouble of placing a satellite call just to hear Diane Sawyer's voice, she better not thin my pole. Still, my favorite Earth Day special had to be this. Pimp My Ride, a show devoted to creating the least efficient vehicles in human history, has the nerve to throw its own Earth Day celebration on Sunday.
You probably want to ask, Matt Mike, are there really any benefits to using biodiesel? Hell yeah. This stuff reduces nasty diesel emissions by almost 80%. It ends acid rain, which I personally love, because I hate that .
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Chapter 6: How does Matt Walsh critique corporate environmental initiatives?
Chapter 7: What is President George W. Bush’s approach to Earth Day and environmental policy?
I'm just keeping myself cool.
It's a warm spring day.
It might have to be.
We'll be right back.
When a news story falls through the cracks, our own Lewis Black catches it for a segment we call Back in Black.
You can always tell it's Earth Day when the CO2 emissions from the world's smokestacks start paling in comparison to celebrity emissions telling us we can save the Earth if we start acting a little more like them. Just ask Matt Damon, who contributed this tip to Oprah Winfrey's Earth Day special. I've got a great one for you. If your house is anything like mine... Stop. It's not.
It's a lot smaller, and it doesn't have an Affleck-shaped dent in the couch. Oprah herself showed off her Earth Day spirit by wearing a sweater she accidentally washed with her money and giving away Earth-friendly products to her audience. We're going to bring out the bulbs so you can have a look. And you get a smart spot. Ooh, a light bulb giveaway, huh?
You really think that'll undo the environmental damage caused by this?
Everybody get the car!
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Chapter 8: How does Matt Wallace explore the relationship between the logging industry and Earth Day?
And the kids love it.
Biodiversity. Will this still be there when the trees have been sown?
But in any good wood products curriculum, reading materials must be supplemented with hands-on learning. Everything I'm showing you today is waterproof, okay? It's going to last your lifetime. It's an investment, but it lasts your lifetime. Now, when you get Venetian blinds, you're going to want to match the blinds to the flooring. You don't want them to contrast, okay?
And remember, the blinds match the floor. Say that. The blinds match the floor. Kids seem to really appreciate the wood products industry. So why didn't Dr. Seuss... I put that question to a Seuss spokesman. So you speak for the trees, correct? I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees. Well, I have a copy of your most recent tax return, and it seems to me you do more than just speak for the trees.
I'm also in charge of the brown barbaloots who played in the shade in their barbaloot suits.
How do you respond to allegations that you're just a hired gun who will work for any organization that will pay you? You're nothing more than a two-bit shill.
Listen to me, you motherf***er. I am the Lorax. I don't have to answer these f***ing questions. This interview's over.
Where are you going?
This is f***ing bulls***. Who else do you work for? Get away from me, newsman!
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