Chapter 1: What are the challenges of sticking to New Year's resolutions?
You're listening to Comedy Central.
The new year. It's time to challenge yourself to be a better person. In 2006, our correspondents will be sharing their personal challenges with our viewers in the new series, American Resolutions. Here to kick off the series for us is our own Rob Corddry.
Thank you so much.
Thank you, John. Thanks, John. This year, I was one of, let's say, billions of Americans who made a New Year's resolution to improve some aspect of their lives. As I found out, sticking to a resolution is a struggle requiring motivation, self-discipline, and the support of loved ones.
As a young boy, I always dreamed about growing up, marrying a beautiful woman, and convincing that woman to have a threesome. And my dreams were almost fulfilled. I met Sandy, and I thought our wedding night would be the perfect time to have a threesome. I suggested Jesse, Scott, Table 3, American Idol's Randy Jackson. But Sandy wasn't buying it.
And soon, my obsession started to affect our marriage. So this year I decided to do something about my problem and seek professional help. Right after I hit the free buffet. Then I spoke with Dr. Steven Lam. Can I assume that the third party or guest is a female? Dude, chick, chick with , guy with pie, I don't care.
I think it's important for you to remove the cues, the environment which induces you to start thinking about this. Simple enough, I just needed to remove the things that were fueling my fantasy. Yeah, hi, I would like to cancel Cinemax. And if I call back, don't let me reinstate it. But before I got to step two, there was one more thing I had to take care of.
Yes, hello, I would like to reinstate Cinemax. Oh, come on, I was kidding before. What are you wearing? Yeah, what kind of pants? Hello? No matter what I did, I couldn't stop thinking about my problem. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. If I was going to succeed, I just needed to put these thoughts out of my head.
You can't go out like that.
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Chapter 2: How does Rob Corddry plan to improve his personal life?
Take your clothes off first. Three dead in a car bomb attack three miles outside of Tikrit. Mmm, three. Iraqis in the Sunni triangle awoke to chaos. It was the third attack of its kind in the last three days. It's an all-too-familiar scene this morning.
I think all this space doll stuff has gone to Gleek's head. Yeah!
Oh, totally f*** that purple monkey. Three is a magic number. Yes, it is. Nothing! News!
Get away from me, you hot purple monkey!
I was just two days into my resolution and already I was failing. I needed a new approach. I think you need to expand the sort of sexual activity that you actually have with your wife. Are you talking about the ass? Well, you need to discuss with your wife what she's actually comfortable with. If she's comfortable with it, you don't need my permission. No one's 100% comfortable with the ass.
No, that takes practice. Maybe that can be next year's resolution. Thank you very much. We're back, Rob. Nicely done. And obviously, I want to introduce your wife, Sandy. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you, John. Hi, Ron. It's nice to see you. So how is the resolution going? Well, John, of course it's not easy, but with Sandy's love and support, I'm going to get through this.
And what's next for you guys? Well, I think we're just gonna go get a drink, celebrate our progress. You should come with us. You like champagne? You drink? You like champagne or? Rob Corddry and Sandy Corddry, everybody. We'll be right back after this. Sandy will be glad to know that the threesome chair can come down.
That's a threesome chair?
No. We now proudly present part two of our ongoing look at our correspondents' brave struggles to stick to their New Year's resolutions. Tonight, we check in with Nate Corddry. Nate. Thank you, John. In 2006, I vowed to make good on a promise I make every New Year's, but never get around to actually doing. Showing them. Showing them all.
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Chapter 3: What humorous insights does Rob share about seeking professional help?
The first thing that I would recommend is to make this a project. The New Year's resolution project. It's not a bad idea to write down the list. And you write out your thoughts and your feelings. In a feelings journal? Exactly. And this will help you with the resistances within yourself to deal with your New Year's resolutions. God, you're good at what you do.
The way to growth is through all the struggles. Was that a dig on my height? I didn't have your height in mind.
Yeah, okay, I know. I'm not as tall as my brother. Taking the doctor's advice, I made a list of the people who most needed showing. Some for what they'd done to me, some for what they were currently doing to me, and some who'd made direct eye contact with me. And since feelings journals are for girls, I set up a video diary.
Okay, it's January 1st, New Year's Day, and Project Showin' him is off to an awesome start. I have a neighbor who refuses to turn down his stereo. Blasts it all night long, so I... Stole his newspaper. Shown. It's on to my old boss's house with this bag of human feces. I'm going to set it on fire.
And then I'm going to FedEx this deadly black mamba to the producers of How I Met Your Mother because they decided to cast Neil Patrick Harris instead of me. Well, I would have gone the other way. But that's, you know, their producers. Like, ah!
Oh!
Well, things haven't been going so well since the incident last week. I've fallen way behind. I was on the brink of giving up. I asked Dr. Belgray how I could improve my methods of shelling them.
What would you like to shell them? What would you like them to know?
That I'm not going to put up with their bull anymore.
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Chapter 4: How does Nate Corddry express his resolution to 'show them all'?
Nice color. However, I don't believe people use white.
Do you like your job here? Is it a good job?
Yeah, I do like it.
Is your boss cool? Yeah, he's cool. My boss is like if you took Willy Wonka and mixed him with Hitler. He's crazy like Willy Wonka, and he's psycho like Hitler. But he doesn't have a mustache. With my credentials in order, it was time to get my appearance in order with a visit to my local haberdashers.
Would it be a good idea if the suit that I'm wearing matches the paper that I printed my resume on? Yeah, I would say that's a little over the top. Yeah, but it's probably like that extra detail that's gonna get you the job. It'll get you noticed. Yeah, it'll get you noticed. Do you have fireball fuchsia suits? You know what this says? Trim. So you give me a job. That's what it says.
Seriously, you, give me a job. No, seriously, give me a job. Ken, seriously, give me a job. Decked out in my dazzling new duds, I needed interview tips from Keith. You want to stay open, no arms folded, no legs crossed. You want to give the right body language signals. Has your boss ever poured scalding hot Celestial Seasonings lemon zinger onto your arm? No. It doesn't just burn, okay?
It's also citrus, and the citrus stings. Yeah, it's tough. And then he filled the pockets of my jacket with cockroaches. I work for a child. Doesn't sound like it's a good environment, working environment for you there. So where exactly are the job openings? I searched websites like hot jobs and career builder, but came up empty handed. Clearly, I just needed a little focus. Back to Keith.
What do you think you're good at? What do you think some of your best attributes are from a professional standpoint? I'm good at conducting satirical interviews during which I make the interviewee, or patsy, feel tense, awkward, and often foolish. You know what I'm not good at is handling the awkwardness that ensues. I think you just have to, you know, just move right through it. Good.
Moving right along. Right through it. Okay. Keith put me through my paces in a mock interview. I got a pretty good skill set. I think you're going to like it. I'm really good at not taking less than $25,000 a year, period.
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