Trump Launches War with Iran and Refuses to Explain... Anything | Jafar Panahi

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The Daily Show: Ears Edition 52 min 3 speakers 5 chapters transcribed 3 months ago
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Jon Stewart 0:00
You're listening to Comedy Central. From the most trusted journalists at Comedy Central, it's America's only source for news. This is The Daily Show with your host, Jon Stewart.
Jon Stewart 0:52
We got a great one for you tonight. My name is Jon Stewart. Later on, I will be talking with just the most incredible director, fabulous director, Iranian director, Jafar Panahi. We'll be joining him. Right now, he's got an Oscar-nominated film called It Was Just an Accident, which explores the trauma of living under an oppressive, censorious, theocratic dictatorship. I'm not going to tell you how it ends. But, um... But, hey, we're back! It's Monday! And while we had originally planned a different show... I thought it would be a kind of a trenchant, really superbly witty episode on the unforeseen economic effects of government subsidies on well-intentioned social service programs. It was going to be a banger.
Jon Stewart 1:49
That was Friday. And a lot has blown up since then. As America has once again returned to the only East, we can't get enough of exploding. The middle one. In our 20-year recurring segment... Nothing bad can happen. It can only good happen. I've missed you, Mesopotamia. Early Saturday morning... American Israel launched a surprise war against Iran. I call it a surprise war. Because here's what one of the mediators said after negotiations on Friday.
I am confident and in my assessment of the way the talks are going, the peace deal is within our reach.
Jon Stewart 2:54
Oh, the peace deal is within our reach. But it turns out the bombshit button was much closer. The devastating effects of a regional war have made everyone very nervous and one person very happy. This enables us to do what I have long hoped to do for 40 years.
What?
Jon Stewart 3:16
I've had four decades of regime change blue balls. But of course, the announcement that our nation is at war is the most solemn moment of any president's tenure. and an opportunity to reassure an anxious nation and to reaffirm the righteousness of the cause. A short time ago, the United States military began major combat operations in Iran. Yeah, I'm sorry. Can I just jump in here real quick? Um, this is how we're doing this? 2 a.m., Mar-a-Lago basement? No lighting? You don't even have one of those influencer halo things? Just go down in the basement and this is what we're wearing? Blazer, no tie, shirt unbuttoned? Looking more like the father of the bride settling up with the caterer? Is that what we're doing?
Jon Stewart 4:13
And not to nitpick, obviously, but baseball hat? We're going with a baseball hat? For a war of choice? Oh, I'm gonna go down and make my war announcement. Don't forget the hat I got you! at the airport souvenir store. It's bigger than your head, put it on. It goes great in the dark.
Jon Stewart 4:52
Jesus, man. You had all the options. It's a war of choice. You could have done this at the White House in a suit in the I killed bin Laden hallway. But no, you decided to go with vacation house trucker hat guy who was about to make an announcement at his club's member member tournament. It's classy. Reminds me of FDR's day that will live in infamy speech.
Jon Stewart 5:32
We have nothing to fear but glare in my eyes. But at the very least, we should at least be thankful that the hat is on forwards. We're taking our nation to war. What's up?
Jon Stewart 6:04
It's all right, I'll give you a mulligan. Come back tomorrow dressed for the war you want. And then you can give us perhaps a more sober launching of this incredibly consequential moment. The United States and its partners have launched Operation Epic Fury. I'm going to jump in right there, please. Epic Fury? Is this a war or did the Paul brothers launch another energy drink? Stop letting the millennials name shit. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I got off track. How did Operation Epic Fury start? This morning, the U.S. and Israel launching a major wide-scale daytime attack on Iran. Smoke seen rising near government offices and Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei's residence. Ooh, that's got a rattle. Khamenei. Although, Khamenei's got to be on high alert.
Jon Stewart 6:59
I mean, I doubt he's anywhere near a location that obvious, given the advanced surveillance he's been under from American and Israeli intelligence.

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