Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
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How soon should I start dating after my divorce?
How soon is too soon to start dating after a divorce? My wife decided she wanted a divorce and there was some stuff on my end, some pornography addiction and some other things.
Often people are divorced for years before the paperwork is final. When she just called and said, hey, I'm not coming home. You didn't really see that coming? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us talking about your relationships, your marriage, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. Real people going through real challenges from all over the planet. Give me a call. 1-844-693-3291. or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Love to have you on the show. Let's go out to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, and talk to Lee. What's up, Lee?
Hey, Dr. Deloney. I'm just wondering, how soon is too soon to start dating after a divorce?
What challenges did Lee face during his marriage?
Ooh, good question.
Tell me about your world, man. Well, about... Oh, about a year and a half ago, my wife went to live with her folks to take care of her mom. And then about half a year ago, she decided she wanted a divorce. And there was some stuff on my end, some pornography addiction and some other things that I worked on and tried to save the marriage, but in the end, she went ahead with a divorce. What were the other things on your end? I hesitate to say financially abusive, but whenever we would get a tax refund, The first year that we were married, the first two years we were married, she spent the tax refunds before I had a chance to have any input. And then ever since then, I would spend them without taking any input from her.
And I would justify that because, oh, well, she spent those two tax refunds. So now these other 12 I've spent. How did you share finances? We did full, you know, just all in on keeping everything together.
Where else did you say, this is mine and this is yours? You did that with your fantasy life and you did that with tax refund checks. Where else did you do that?
Um, I would say that, yeah, it was kind of the house was not so much me, but on her end, the house was always hers, and I didn't really get much of a say in what was, you know, like, hey, I need a trash can here. Can I have that? No, I don't want that trash can there. Yeah. Stuff like that.
When she moved to go take care of her parents, how often did you see each other? How often did y'all talk?
We talked every day, but we'd see each other maybe twice a month. Okay.
Were those just conjugal visits or were they high fives and you just go back home?
Sometimes conjugal visits. I tried to, you know, when we were able to. We had five kids, so I wasn't always able to do that even. But when we were able to, you know, I'd try to make it a date and, you know, spend some time together.
Where are your kids?
They live with her now.
How old are they?
They are 11, 10, 9, 7, and 6. Golly. How far away are you? I'm on the other side of town.
Okay, but you're in the same community? Yeah. Okay. And all these questions I'm asking, they're serving a purpose, and here's where I'm headed with them. Often people are divorced for years before the paperwork is final. And so there's not a good standard stamp answer to how long after a divorce is finalized is it smart or safe to start dating because it's so context-dependent. And the way you're painting it, and you and I could probably talk over a couple of drinks here in Oklahoma City for a couple hours. Like, it sounds like y'all have been roommates for a long time. And when you're roommates, this is mine, this is yours. You did this. Oh, well, I'm going to do this.
How can I cope with loneliness after a divorce?
And there's scorekeeping and there's – I did the dishes on Friday and you owe me $4.28 for the Arby's meal that one time. Like, right when there's that kind of – Like my buddy George Campbell said, it's like when couples start Venmoing each other, right? Y'all are roommates because that's what me and my roommates did in college. And so when you're there and then somebody takes off and you throw five kids into the mix under 11, right? You can't survive that if you are not completely unified in a singular purpose on we're building something together. So my suggestion would be, or just in two seconds of hearing you talk is, you've been living a separate life for a long time. Y'all come together to make kids.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
How soon should I start dating after my divorce?
0:05–1:10
2
What challenges did Lee face during his marriage?
1:10–5:35
3
How can I cope with loneliness after a divorce?
5:35–13:04
4
What should I do to prepare for dating again?
13:04–26:26
5
How can I overcome alcohol addiction?
26:26–30:01
6
What role does community play in recovery?
30:01–34:52
7
How can I reconnect with myself after trauma?
34:52–37:30
8
What steps can I take to improve my mental health?
37:30–1:00:14