Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
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How should I tell my teen daughter I'm not her biological father?
When I was 19, I met the mother of my older daughter. I have two daughters. Long story short, she ended up being pregnant before I had met her.
Oh, so your 16-year-old daughter is an adopted daughter?
I don't know if you'd call it adopted. I signed the birth certificate. I was there when she was born and everything. Oh, homie. Man. Yikes.
What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Taking your calls about your marriage. your relationships, your mental and emotional health, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. I'd love, love to have you on the show. This is real people all over the globe going through all kinds of challenges in their houses, in their own hearts and minds, in their relationships, at work, wherever you got stuff going on. Here's my promise. I'll sit with you and we will figure out what's the next right move. So go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, johndeloney.com slash ask. and fill out the form, and we will hollabackerel at you and get you on the show. All right, let's go out to my hometown, H-Town, and talk to Dennis. What's up, Dennis? Hey, John. How you doing? I'm good, brother. What's up, man?
All right, so I'm 35. When I was 19, I met the mother of my older daughter. I have two daughters. One's about to turn 16. The other one's 13. So I met my older daughter's mother. Long story short, she ended up being pregnant before I had met her.
Okay. Oh, so your 16-year-old daughter is an adopted daughter?
I don't know if you'd call it adopted. I signed the birth certificate. I was there when she was born and everything. So she doesn't know. that I'm not her biological father. She's 16? Yes, she's going to be 16 next month. Oh, homie. Man. Yikes. So I'm the kind of guy, I took responsibility because I'm the kind of guy that if you can do something right, you should do it. All right? Okay. But me and her mother aren't together anymore. We did have a plan from the beginning. to tell my daughter that I'm not her biological father when she turns 16, which is happening next month. Since then, her mother backed out for selfish reasons. She doesn't want our daughter to hate her or have any animosity towards her or anything like that.
She's going to hate y'all so every minute you wait is like a 401k. It's like the compound interest on her disdain for you two will grow with every minute. You should have told her way before now. Way before now.
I've come to realize that.
Yeah. Not another minute.
I just wait. I've been weighing everything. I don't want to hurt her.
You already have. You already have. And so I... Like this is now... Because here's what's happened is... And bro, listen, like I'm not... I don't want to bad mouth you or anything like that. I'm speaking emphatically just because I've sat with the other side of this when a kid finds out they're 21 or they're 20 or they're 17 and it melts everything in their world.
What challenges arise from not telling a child their true parentage?
And it's not because they found out that you... were an amazing dad that stood by her. You signed her birth certificate, which by the way, I don't even know if that's legal or not, but you did. And all throughout her life, you've been there. And then you and mom broke up and you've stayed. I'm assuming you continue to see her. You have custody rights and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, she lives with me and everything. Okay. So that's not the issue. The issue for a 16-year-old finding this out will be now and forever, what else are they lying about? If they lied about something this big, is God real? Is sleeping around really that bad? You know what I'm saying? They'll question everything you've ever taught her, values-wise. This is a big one. This is a big one.
I didn't think about any of that.
It's less about, I mean, it is a big deal. She's going to want to know, who am I? Who's my real dad? But you have to understand, she's built a foundation. Her whole world rests on, I'm half this guy, Dennis, and half my mom. And when she finds out that she's half of a mystery person at 16, dude, that is psychologically unmooring. You get what I'm saying?
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
How should I tell my teen daughter I'm not her biological father?
0:05–3:38
2
What challenges arise from not telling a child their true parentage?
3:38–7:49
3
What are the potential psychological effects on my daughter?
7:49–12:28
4
How can I ensure my daughter feels loved during this revelation?
12:28–17:33
5
What if my daughter's biological father wants to be involved?
17:33–22:25
6
How do I navigate the conversation with my ex about this?
22:25–27:23
7
What if I don't want to hurt my daughter's feelings?
27:23–30:49
8
How can I support my daughter through this emotional upheaval?
30:49–58:40