Choking during sex: can it ever be safe?
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Why is choking during sex becoming so popular among young adults?
Hey, before we get into this podcast, just a warning. This episode contains discussion of consensual and non-consensual choking and strangulation during sex. You'll be hearing about acts considered pretty violent and super risky. as well as conversations about sexual assault. This act is never completely safe. It can be fatal, but people are doing it and it needs to be addressed. Please listen with care and if this episode gets a bit much for you, you can find support in our show notes. Okay, let's go.
This is an ABC podcast.
Did you see that episode of Euphoria where McKay and Cassie are about to have sex for the first time at that party? And it's all going well. It seems really cute. But out of nowhere, he grabs her throat and starts choking her and she kicks him off. Like,
fuck McKay. What did I do? Why would you grab me like that? I couldn't breathe. I don't know. I thought you liked it. How the fuck would I like that?
Cassie, I'm sorry. I didn't know. Maybe that's a scene you're familiar with. Something that's happened to you during a hookup. Something a friend has told you happened to them on a first date. Maybe something you've tried on someone because you thought that's what people want, right? I'm sorry, but how the F did we get here? I'm Nat Tanchich, and I want to know, what's the deal with choking and breath play? You'll find out why it's becoming more of a thing, what people do enjoy about it, why some people aren't asking for consent, and whether it can ever be done without risking serious consequences. It sounds pretty intense, but choking during sex?
What do the latest research studies reveal about how common breath play is?
It's on the rise. It might have once been just the kind of thing that happened in BDSM dungeons, or just in the world of porn where dominant fantasies are the norm, but recent studies have found that choking is common among uni-age students. Dr Debbie Herbenick, a professor and sex researcher at the Indiana University School of Public Health, surveyed 4,200 undergrads in 2020 and found that about 1 in 4 women, about 6.6% of men, and 1 in 5 trans and non-binary participants had been choked the last time they had sex. And when it comes to the people doing the choking, it was about 5.7% of women, a quarter of men, and a quarter of trans and NB people. In a wider previous study she did titled Choked, she found almost 40% of 18 to 29 year olds surveyed had choked or been choked.
So yeah, it's a thing. And it's part of the reason listener Tom got in touch with the hookup. He says his girlfriend wants to try breath play with him. That is, she wants him to choke her. And while he's curious, he's understandably nervous about some of the risks.
So I am Tom. I'm from Melbourne. I got in touch with The Hookup because it came up that my girlfriend might be interested in breath play. I got in touch because I wasn't really too sure how to react to that. It wasn't something that I'd really thought of before or been interested in. And I think that if it's something that I'm going to do, it's something that I would like to do right.
Yeah, no, 100%. So let's go back to the start and talk to me about how this first came up for you and your girlfriend. What was the first conversation like? How did she bring it to your attention?
It came up actually through a friend that, yeah, this might be something that we might be interested in. I think I was pretty dismissive to start off with. It was just like, okay, we can just... write it off as a joke but and then we had a brief chat about it you know maybe wanting to give it a go seriously and yeah that's really all we haven't talked too much about it we're I'm just sort of yeah I guess waiting for the right time.
How did you feel about it when she mentioned this to you?
I was a little bit concerned. I think that, like, I really care for her. And, yeah, the idea of harming my girlfriend is something that I'm just... It just feels very wrong. And it just, yeah, feels like it goes against everything that I...
How did Tom’s personal experience with his girlfriend spark the conversation about safety?
but I think after maybe some deeper reflection about what's happening, I did a lot of Googling and a lot of, yeah, tried to do a little bit of research into it.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why is choking during sex becoming so popular among young adults?
0:00–1:53
2
What do the latest research studies reveal about how common breath play is?
1:53–4:34
3
How did Tom’s personal experience with his girlfriend spark the conversation about safety?
4:34–7:45
4
What are the main psychological reasons people find choking arousing?
7:45–9:47
5
How does consent and communication protect partners during breath play?
9:47–12:28
6
What can go wrong when choking is done without proper safeguards?
12:28–16:05
7
Which safer‑play techniques can reduce the risks of breath play?
16:05–18:58
8
When should someone say no and walk away from choking activities?
18:58–21:56