Dealing with rejection
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How can I handle romantic rejection while keeping my dignity?
It's probably better to say, look, I've fallen out of love, than to get caught up in, OK, I'll explain. Well, I don't like how you eat and
I don't like
your relatives. Because that's about the other person. And I've seen people give lists and lists and, no, that's not enough, I need more. And I think being caught up in that, you could end up really crushing somebody else's self-esteem by floundering around to come up with an explanation when sometimes packaging it up. That would be kinder. The hookup.
Love and
f***ing.
On Triple J.
Warning, sex and adult themes.
Hello there. How do you handle romantic rejection and maintain your dignity? And how do you reject someone in the kindest way possible? I have no idea. So luckily we're joined by Elizabeth Shaw. She's the clinical director of Relationships Australia and a clinical psychologist. Now, when it comes to romantic rejection, why does that tend to hurt us the most?
Well, I think falling in love and finding someone who's important to us is so central to our identity and life goals. I think most people are striving for that, even though, in fact, it's more permissible to not have to strive for that and to have periods without that. I think it's such a common goal. So when it fails or it doesn't work out, it can feel like it implicates us in such a serious way that we can feel completely compromised. Our integrity and who we are and what we thought we were and what our appeal was It can be so compromised. It can be a very serious blow. And this
must be a pretty common thing that people come and see you about. It's extremely common, yeah. And why do we immediately tend to go thoughts like, what's wrong with me?
Well, I think because we've spent a lot of the time focusing on the other and it is the importance of the other rather than the importance of us. When you fall in love, it's often, thank goodness I found the other person or how wonderful the other person is. Not, well, of course I would because I'm worth having. You know, we tend to, hopefully that comes with the package, but we tend to focus on the other as being the source of our good feelings. Um, and so therefore when they go, there is a sense, well, they've gone and they've taken my best parts with me, with them and, um, leaving me as a shell, you know, so there's that sense of, um, uh, well, if they no longer want me, then maybe I'm not wantable or wanted, um, or worthy, um, which is actually a very serious place to go.
And hopefully most people recover quickly with the good friends and support from other people, but you can stay there for a long time sometimes.
Yeah, absolutely. And why do you think sometimes on the other end of rejection, I mean, how can we not take the hint sometimes that someone just isn't interested in us and it leads us to having to be rejected?
Well, look, it's a combination of things. Sometimes because the other is caught up in not wanting to be mean or let you down and they just hope you get the hint, they're actually not that clear. And there are some people who say, look, I want to break up with you, but I'd like to keep sleeping with you, for example, or I'd like to see you regularly. And that could be, you know, a nice thing for some people or a kindness or, you know, the let's be friends thing. to the person who still wants the relationship, if they dive into that so-called friendship, it can also keep things going. And because a relationship comprises friendship, you know, and love and sex, if the friendship keeps going when one is still very much in love, those lines get blurred again very quickly, coming to often another question of, we're getting on so well, are
you
sure we have to break up? And then there's another cycle. So sometimes it's it's because the terms of the relationship are not that clear.
Why does romantic rejection feel so painful and impact our self‑esteem?
The mixed messages are there. And hope drives us to do foolish things.
Yeah, absolutely. And we'll be talking in just a little while about the best ways to let someone down because I think that's really important as well. Do you think sometimes we're taught, because no one really teaches us this stuff growing up.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
How can I handle romantic rejection while keeping my dignity?
0:00–3:57
2
Why does romantic rejection feel so painful and impact our self‑esteem?
3:57–7:13
3
Why do we often miss the signs that someone isn’t interested?
7:13–10:04
4
What is the kindest way to reject someone without hurting them?
10:04–14:17
5
Is there a practical template for sending a gentle breakup text?
14:17–17:59
6
How should I cope when I keep getting rejected by romantic prospects?
17:59–20:55
7
How can I break up with someone when a trip or holiday is already planned?
20:55–24:22
8
What final strategies can help me move forward after rejection?
24:22–26:55