Menage a nah: threesomes and mismatched libidos
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What is the opening premise of the episode and who are the guests?
I mean the logistics of a three
sounds like a frickin' nightmare.
The hookup. Love and honey. On Triple J.
Warning Sex and Adult Thames. Hey I'm Sarah McVee and this is the hookup. Think about the last sexual relationship you're in. At any time, did one of you want more sex than the other? To help us wade through the life maze of mismatched libidos, we're joined by Sydney sex therapist Tanya Coons and comedian John Conway. Welcome guys. Hi, thanks for having us.
Hello, thank you so much.
Thanks for coming in. Quite a few people have gotten in touch with us about libido. One of those people is Tess. Here's what she had to say.
Hi, this is Tess. I've been in a relationship for a year with my boyfriend and it seems like we have different libidos, mine being much higher than his. Um we've talked about it a little bit but haven't really ever resolved it. I don't know, I feel like he's fine, like he's happy because he's always satisfied. We're with each other a lot but we might not always like have sex and that's fine but some weeks it's like might be you know ten days. or something to me or sometimes even two or three weeks and like I don't know, it just makes me think about whether this will suit us in the long term or not. We tried to like he cut out porn and he stopped like masturbating and it didn't seem to actually help at all.
It just made him finish faster and then me left unsatisfied again. It's okay to just talk about it with your partner but then actually solving the issue is like a whole nother game, you know? So I just wanna know if you have any advice or tips on how to solve this situation. The hookup on Triple J.
Tanya, can you help? Um, that is such a big question, the mismatch libido one and probably the most common thing that I see in my office. Really coming on yeah. The most common presenting issue. There's always somebody who would like to have more sex than the other one. Right.
And how important do you think it is when you're choosing a partner to try and be compatible on that level?
Well, I think when you're choosing a partner that's going to be very difficult because when you first have a new lover, your skin will contact with their skin and get very excited. Woo, a new lover and we're hardwired to find a mate. So what happens is we get a big flush of hormones that kind of puts blinkers. There's all this romantic, spontaneous love, lots of sex and it's you know, this lasts for about six to twenty four months. So it's very, very hard to gauge what your partner's actually Limerence.
That pretty much happened to me in all of my relationships, I would say. Wow. Yeah. After about like six months to a year. Well, me anyway, I know it's probably bad. I don't know what the thing is. But uh you know, you wouldn't really do much about it. It's awful really.
And you had one girlfriend um a while back that had a much higher libido than you. How did you deal with that?
But the worst thing was that it's sort of I was having sex for her as a chore almost because I knew I loved her so much that I wanted her to be happy. But I thought I would do it, but it wouldn't be as passionate as you would, you know, be very is that a common thing?
Yeah, it is. And then it puts a lot of pressure on which actually makes you feel less horny and less aroused because it's a job now, rather than something you want to do. And it's a a good discussion to have because you're talking about spontaneous desire versus responsive desire.
How does Tess describe her mismatched libido problem and what does she want help with?
Ooh. Yeah, I think that's a good idea.
So spontaneous desire is what we get in the media. You know, you you you're waiting for that tingle in your loins and you get all excited and you want to go jump on your partner, right? We all know that one. And that's very popular and I think that's what the media would have us believe sex and libido is all the time. But there is responsive desire as well. There is when your partner sidles up to you and sort of gives you a kiss on the neck or a foot massage or starts whispering sweet nothings or terribly despicable fancy things in your ear and it can get you in the mood.
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Chapters
4 chapters
1
What is the opening premise of the episode and who are the guests?
0:00–3:37
2
How does Tess describe her mismatched libido problem and what does she want help with?
3:37–7:07
3
What does therapist Tanya say is the most common libido mismatch issue couples face?
7:07–12:40
4
How do spontaneous desire and responsive desire differ and why does it matter?
12:40–16:26