“Selfish lovers”: Should you be reciprocating in sex?
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What does the “selfish lover” label mean and why is it controversial?
This is an ABC podcast.
If someone refused to give you head, would you say they were a selfish lover? Recently, DC Comics, the home of Batman, got called out for axing a scene in adult animated series Harley Quinn, where Batman eats Catwoman's pussy. They said it wasn't a thing that heroes do, and Twitter was mad about it. The same kind of mad that people got about DJ Khaled a few years ago when he said it wasn't becoming of a king to eat out his wife.
I don't do that.
Not even like for her birthday?
Nah. Christmas? I put in that work. My work is great.
Now, all this talk of heroes eating pussy, who gets haired, and who keeps missing out had us thinking, what are the rules when it comes to reciprocating sex? Lots of people seem to believe that there's a score that should be settled. And it's not fair that someone's doing all the work and getting nothing in return. But have we got our thinking about sex all wrong? I'm Nat Tenchich, and on this episode, we'll look at the tit for tat of sex, the double standards of oral, why certain people feel hard done by when they're not getting their just desserts, and how all of this pressure is a minefield for consent. I got thinking about this when a listener commented on our Instagram post about blowjobs. And by the way, you should follow us and DM us anytime you have a story you want to share at Triple J The Hookup.
He said...
Funny how some women are happy to be eaten out by their respective guy, but when it's their turn, oh no, I'm not doing that.
How do pop culture examples like Batman and DJ Khaled shape our views on oral sex reciprocity?
It's disgusting. Even though some man just drank her dry. Go figure. Just pointing out that some people don't return the favour, which can be annoying.
Now, does that make you feel just so ick? Because if you're like me, you're probably thinking, yep, that's not it. Because before we go further, you need to know that sex in any form from someone else is not a right, no matter what you've done to earn it. You are responsible for your own pleasure. But as you can see with Batman and DJ Khaled before him, there's a double standard happening here. While consent educators would say one thing, general opinion doesn't seem all that clear cut. So we asked you on Instagram, where do you stand on reciprocating?
so personally i feel that it is so rude not to reciprocate oral sex personally because i want the other person to feel the pleasure too um i've actually been with multiple people where i perform oral sex but they won't give it back and it makes me so angry i absolutely love giving our all but would definitely say i don't expect it back um i'll take pleasure from giving others pleasure so if they enjoy you know sucking me off they're not quite enjoy receiving it but otherwise i don't want it if they're just doing it because they feel like they have to If I'm with a partner and they go down on me and they expect head in return, I am so not into that. If I ever come across a partner that is really demanding that they receive it or is really insistent on not giving me head,
then it's boy bye, I'm not interested. There's a big difference between going down on someone and then saying, how would you feel about doing the same for me? And going down on someone and saying, I've done that for you now, I expect you to do the same. I think good sex is the type where everybody involved can feel, you know, that they're comfortable asking to do stuff and being asked to do stuff, but they're also comfortable giving and receiving a no and that not being questioned. I think it's good manners to reciprocate oral sex.
Why do many people feel a ‘score‑keeping’ pressure to return oral sex?
Obviously, that depends on the person, the people, the couple, the situation even. But I do think it is good manners. My partner and I get along so well outside of the bedroom, but inside the bedroom, I feel like he can be very selfish. I've breached the topic of him going down on me many times over the years. It's always been like a touchy subject for him. I more than happily will go down on him, but now it's got to a point where I've decided that I'm gonna boycott giving him head. And I've told him this until he decides to go down on me.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
What does the “selfish lover” label mean and why is it controversial?
0:02–1:49
2
How do pop culture examples like Batman and DJ Khaled shape our views on oral sex reciprocity?
1:49–3:49
3
Why do many people feel a ‘score‑keeping’ pressure to return oral sex?
3:49–5:43
4
What do listeners say about feeling angry when their oral advances aren’t returned?
5:43–8:04
5
How does the concept of “good manners” versus personal preference affect consent?
8:04–9:33
6
What does the orgasm gap reveal about gendered expectations in giving and receiving?
9:33–11:13
7
How can couples shift from ‘wanting’ to ‘willing’ when discussing sexual favors?
11:13–14:15
8
What practical communication strategies help negotiate sexual reciprocity without pressure?
14:15–15:46