When your partner watches porn
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How do hosts introduce the topic of a partner watching porn and set the tone for the episode?
This is an ABC podcast.
How do you feel about your partner watching porn in a relationship? Normally, I'd be doing a back and forth with my girl Dee Salmon, but she has COVID from Splendour. Lol, who could have predicted? Pip Rasmussen with you right now, and I certainly could. But anyway, back to what I was saying. I've not really had an issue in my relationships with porn. Although one time I did have a partner who kept feeling guilty about his porn watching habits and kept telling me about it. And I was like, okay, cool. Like I don't care. And also I don't need to know every time you watch something because now it's weird and you're making it weird. But yeah, I think I've kind of got that attitude of out of sight, out of mind.
And honestly, I truly don't mind if someone watches porn. But a few of you got in touch with us as you were dealing with your partner watching porn in your relationship. And it was making you feel pretty shitty about yourself.
I feel like I sit in the middle in terms of the position of it, because I wouldn't go as extreme as saying it's like cheating or that it's disrespectful or something towards your partner. But I do think it can make the other person like for me it makes sort of me feel devalued and i guess to an extent insecure at some points because being in a monogamous relationship um i kind of want my partner to only find me attractive and sort of not need or want another outlet because i feel like a lot of porn really sets some unexpected standards it can't really reach unachievable And so, you know, you kind of want your partner to love you for like the way you look and the way you act and sort of everything to do with it.
And sort of you want to be able to fill all their needs, which sometimes isn't completely realistic. But I guess when you can't, it sort of feels like you're not doing enough. It brings out that insecurities within you. I guess you're worried that there's something better out there, especially with Instagram showing a lot of girls who are half naked. So there's a lot of competition. So you're always comparing yourself. And yeah, it's just kind of constantly on your mind. Are they watching and is it better than you? And why are you not good enough? So yeah. Yeah, I guess they say that you're the most beautiful thing or you turn them on excessively or they find you incredibly, I guess, guess yeah you're everything to them in the bedroom but then um they still watch porn um on a daily basis or every second day um is it something that they need as like their coffee or is it a routine thing is it nothing to do with us um so i guess it just yeah it's that insecurity coming out um like
Are you just not good enough or is it true?
Why can a partner’s porn use trigger feelings of insecurity and devaluation in a monogamous relationship?
Are you the most sexy thing in their life?
My first experience with a boyfriend and porn was negative. Considering I didn't put out, as some might say, he decided to just roll over right there next to me and take care of it himself using porn. And that was really upsetting for me. And I guess that probably started off me not liking porn. as well as also personal insecurities as well. Just because, you know, that's not how I look and that's not what I do and stuff like that. It's not me. And, you know, I sort of think, in my opinion, the way I feel is if your partner's watching porn, it's to get something other than you. And look, that might just be the way that my brain works, because I know a lot of people are completely fine with it. They think it's awesome.
Just but personally, insecurity and anxieties, I think, cause that for me.
So yeah, as you just heard, there's quite a lot of insecurities that are tied up with your partner watching porn, all centering around the idea that by them watching someone else on a screen, you're not good enough, that you're not attractive enough, or that the porn your partner watches doesn't represent you or how you act or what you can do in the bedroom. And this is totally fine. because everyone has fantasies.
When we look at porn, it lives in its own entity, I guess, of individual pleasure.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
How do hosts introduce the topic of a partner watching porn and set the tone for the episode?
0:02–3:00
2
Why can a partner’s porn use trigger feelings of insecurity and devaluation in a monogamous relationship?
3:00–5:34
3
What does relationship counsellor Alinda Small say about separating fantasy porn from real‑life intimacy?
5:34–7:56
4
How can couples communicate about porn‑related insecurities without sounding controlling?
7:56–10:29
5
What advice do therapists Tanya Coons and Alinda give about realistic expectations and healthy boundaries?
10:29–13:03
6
How should partners handle Instagram or social‑media exposure to sexual content and model‑following habits?
13:03–15:40
7
In what ways can watching or sharing porn together actually strengthen a relationship?
15:40–17:41
8
What final takeaways do the hosts offer for listeners feeling threatened by their partner’s porn use?
17:41–20:40