When your partner's parents hate you
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Why does parental approval matter so much in a new relationship?
My girlfriend, as soon as I met her parents, they hated me from the start. Kind of like long hair ribbed jeans. I'm a music, I'm a filmmaker. They kept on telling uh their daughter to find a man with a real job. And my parents are super religious. My girlfriend is very much an atheist. I said look. I might not be the man that you pictured her with, but I love your daughter and I'm going to spend every ounce of energy I have to make her happy.
The hookup
Love and
honey on.
On Triple J.
Warning Sex and
Adult Themes. Sometimes, in love, the biggest obstacle isn't anything to do with who you're dating, but who they're related to. We're talking about what to do when the parents disapprove. Whether it's your parents or theirs, it's always a shit situation. But luckily, we have an expert for you on the pod. Joining us is Elizabeth Shaw, she's the Clinical Director of Relationships Australia and is a clinical and counselling psychologist. So how much How much do you think we should care about parental disapproval when it comes to who we're dating?
Well, you should care prob or you probably will care a lot if you think that this could be a make or break part of keeping this relationship going. So I guess you're watching for how much influence the parents have. If you're dating someone who rather enjoys winding their parents up, then you might feel quite safe. But um but if not, if your partner's really worried about their approval, then you could feel on really shaky ground.
Christina, your ex partner's parents thought you were broken, is that right?
Yeah.
So what happened?
Um, well, with my ex boyfriend and to begin with he was ten years younger than me s and his uh mother had a problem with that. So first he got the she just wants a baby daddy. Um
How can you tell your partner’s parents you’re not the ‘ideal’ match without losing them?
So she was kind of against me from the start and then I'm very open about my life and I've worked in the sex industrial before and then I'm I'm an open bisexual and The more that uh my ex told his mum 'cause he didn't know how to keep his mouth shut uh the more uh fodder she had for um hating me really. So It it was kind of a bit sort of Insidious, because she was very polite to my face, but behind my back she was like, She's sick and broken, she's probably got a disease, she's gonna do this to you. And was your partner telling you this?
Yeah. Yeah. Why why why was he telling you this? 'Cause he was young
and stupid. Place of place of cotton socks. Yeah, I I think I mean w we we did have a very open relationship so I think that it he felt that he that it was necessary to tell me these things because he was hearing them from his mum and um didn't know how to continue on with our relationship. Oh
bless mother knows best. Oh
yeah. Well
Oh that's terrible, Christine. I'm so sorry to hear that happen to you. Oh he's an ex now, so that's okay.
I don't have to ever see that woman again.
Thanks so much for sharing, Christine, I appreciate it.
No
problem at all, thank
you.
So Elizabeth, um, is it always a good idea to share with who you're dating what your parents think about them?
Oh, it's a tricky one. I think it's uh it's even more dubious to tell your parents everything about your partner. You know, I think that sounded like a lack of boundaries in in all directions. I've I've seen that a lot though where people have a really good relationship with their parents and they confide in them like a friend. And they often will share the partner's, you know, a recovering alcoholic or whatever it is and then get really disappointed that their parents get more and more worried. So, you know, I think you have to be careful both ways. Um I think to give your partner tips about, look, my parents are pretty conservative. If you do this or that, it may not go across so well. I think there's a difference between being respectful and actually just trying to be someone you're not.
Yeah, absolutely. And k n do you think it can sometimes work to push a couple together if the parents disapprove?
Absolutely. Absolutely. If both of them, you know, rather enjoy that dynamic or kind of have a rebellious streak.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why does parental approval matter so much in a new relationship?
0:00–2:01
2
How can you tell your partner’s parents you’re not the ‘ideal’ match without losing them?
2:01–4:58
3
When should you share your parents’ opinions about your partner with them?
4:58–9:17
4
What strategies help you cope when a partner’s parents openly dislike you?
9:17–12:17
5
Can you actually win over disapproving parents, and how?
12:17–15:54
6
When is it okay to set firm boundaries with a partner’s family?
15:54–19:41
7
Is it ever justified to give an “it’s them or me” ultimatum?
19:41–21:12
8
What long‑term signs show whether a relationship can survive parental conflict?
21:12–21:18