Why we date people who are bad for us (and how to break the pattern)
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Why do we repeatedly choose partners who are bad for us?
It's quite a common thing to find yourself drawn back in, even against your better judgement, to relationship patterns that haven't worked before.
Like reaching for that beer or that late night HSP delivery, we can all get into the habit of getting into relationships with people who seem great right now, but just aren't good for us in the long run. It can be a really vicious cycle. So why do we go for people who aren't good for us time and again? Hey, I'm Nat Tanchich and through the week I asked for your experiences dating people who are bad for you and a lot of you are seeing a pattern.
I have a major history of staying in really torturous relationships with men who are bad for me. Now that I'm finally in a healthy relationship, I keep getting this weird feeling that something's missing. I really think that that something might be pain, but it's super addictive. I have to keep reminding myself that I can feel love without feeling pain as well. Healing is hard and I feel super lucky that I have a partner now who's supporting me through that. When I was younger, I had a tendency to go for girls that needed emotional support. It was pretty destructive for me because I used to invest heaps of time and emotional energy into getting them back up onto their feet and then just used to get dropped at the first sign of something better a lot of the time.
But you can't change who you are and I attribute that to my mum because she was a nurse and a social counter worker for the entire time that I was growing up. So you just do what you know. So I feel as though I'm always attracted to or even involved with men who are too good for me. You know, looking back, they always seem to be just out of my reach. And then I feel like I'm always sort of chasing them more than us meeting in the middle. And I wonder if that's because they're slightly unattainable. and I wonder why I'm drawn to people like that. I'm always falling for boys who are very 420 friendly and non-functioning, but I'm basically the opposite. I think it keeps happening because I'd like to think I'm a positive influence on people, and I always go into it thinking I could change them for the better.
I basically want to be with someone who's willing to change for me. I also think it's kind of fun to be around people who push the boundaries and are a little bit rebellious. It's a recurring issue, but I'm working on stopping the cycle. I keep dating really, really nice, smart, funny, just beautiful girls. And I treat them really good, but I actually don't care that much about them or about anybody. Sometimes I think I might just be a sociopath without realising it. Like people tell me that I'm really considerate and a good guy, but I just don't care. I don't know, maybe I'm one of the bad people that you're talking about on this show.
The Hookup on Triple J. To learn more about why we get into these bad dating patterns and how to break the cycle, I'm joined by psychologist Stephen Andrew. Stephen, welcome to The Hookup. I want to start by asking, you know, we're talking about how we end up in bad relationship patterns, but how do we recognise, first of all, that we keep doing it, that these relationships are bad for us?
One of the best ways of recognising this as a pattern is through a process of reflection and that process of reflection requires on some level for us to press the pause button on our relationship, sometimes literally. and go, well, what's going on here? And that's the first question. And the second question is, what's gone on before this particular relationship? Is this just a bit of bad luck? Were my cues not being read? Was my radar a bit defective? Chances are, and this tends to come out repeatedly in the work I do, that there's a pattern here. So the relationship you're struggling with now will be very much like the one you had before, the one you had before, and the one you had before.
And why might we be seeking these sorts of things out? It seems counterintuitive.
How can we recognise that we’re stuck in a harmful relationship pattern?
We should be learning from our mistakes, I guess, or bad experiences.
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Chapters
8 chapters
1
Why do we repeatedly choose partners who are bad for us?
0:00–4:21
2
How can we recognise that we’re stuck in a harmful relationship pattern?
4:21–9:13
3
What childhood experiences shape our attraction to toxic partners?
9:13–13:09
4
What’s the difference between ‘inspiration’ and ‘deprivation’ attraction?
13:09–17:18
5
How can we use instinct and red‑flag awareness to stop a bad relationship early?
17:18–21:22
6
How should friends intervene when someone is dating a covert narcissist?
21:22–25:25
7
Why is trying to change a partner harmful and what should we focus on instead?
25:25–30:12
8
How can attachment theory help break the cycle and create healthier relationships?
30:12–35:02