Michael Bernoff: Why Capable People Stay Stuck (The Language Fix)
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Why do capable people stay stuck and what role does language play?
why do capable people not get what they really want for some reason they don't follow through most people try to change their lives through their actions in my world there's problem-based communication and solution-based the second you talk in solution and not in problem a you're more attractive and b it triggers a different part of the brain it doesn't go after cortisol it starts going after serotonin which is the neurotransmitter that makes you feel like you're making a good decision work hard and be a good person that's a shitty plan for a business owner
Dude, so I found a question on your website. I was scrolling through and I found this question and it grabbed me and it's where I want to start. Why do capable people not get what they really want?
I'd say capability is wonderful. We look at a lot of people are very capable. There's a difference between capable people and people that have actually... done the thing before. And a lot of confusion comes in. We look at people, Ryan, you've been frustrated by somebody going, dude, what's wrong with you, man? You got more gifts than me. You're totally capable. Why are you not doing that? How many times have you said that? Hundreds. Okay. So this is where the confusion comes in in the world. Most people see capability and possibility and they confuse it with somebody that actually has experience doing the thing they've done. Because the difference between confidence and competence are two very, very different things.
So I come across people all the time with all the bells, all the whistles, all the know-how, all the pedigree. And for some reason, they don't follow through. And I would say 95% of it is they've got all the exterior stuff that you see. But it's what's going on inside, the wheels going on in here. They need a little WD-40. They need a little lubricant to get them going. And the way that they're running their mind and the way that they're running their vision of their life is radically different than what you see on the outside. So I know I'm talking philosophically right now, but I am going to tell you that language, what's going on on the inside, is the part that you and I never see. Unless somebody gets to talk about it.
And that is the determining factor, whether somebody gets there or not, is how they talk about, how they communicate with themselves about the thing they want. And I guess ideally how they communicate it with others.
So when you say running their mind and using language, you're talking about like negative self-talk, like... you know, not talking about themselves. I saw a clip on Instagram and I thought you did an amazing job of this. You were speaking in front of an audience and you asked a question and the woman spoke negatively, positively about a team member and negatively about herself. And instead of addressing the actual question that you had asked in the positive about the team member, you focused in on the fact that she was talking negatively about herself. I thought was phenomenal. Like, why is that? One, why do we do that? Like, why do we actually have this negative talk track where we want to so easily talk about all the things that we don't do well?
And why does that... Like, how does that... Like, that programs our brain, right?
Yeah, it's pretty interesting. So the way our programming works, and I've spent 25-something years obsessed with... I'm an ADD guy. I'm an ADHD guy. I've got KGB, CIA. I got it all, right? I have every type of thing that makes you an entrepreneur. And... For years, I couldn't figure out like what would stop me, what would stop other people. And I came across the positive and negative thing. And I'm going to say that's rookie personal development. It's better to be positive than negative. Let's just call that like the rookie stuff. That's even baseball. You and I talk baseball. That's let's get a fastball. Let's get a little curveball. When we start talking knuckleballs, sliders, and we talk about like precision, like the people in your audience that came here for this, we start getting past positive and negative.
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Chapters
4 chapters
1
Why do capable people stay stuck and what role does language play?
0:00–6:30
2
How does problem-based vs solution-based communication change brain chemistry?
6:30–8:34
3
Why does negative self-talk persist and how can rephrasing shift perception?
8:34–36:37
4
How can parents and leaders reframe 'it's hard' to create motion and possibility?
36:37–56:51
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