Why You Feel So Lost Right Now (And How to Finally Heal)

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The Tamsen Show 40 min 1 speaker 8 chapters transcribed 10 hours ago
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What is grief and how does it show up beyond death?

Tamsen Fadal 0:06
So I caught up with two of my friends recently. One is losing her father, and the other one is going through a divorce that has completely reshaped her life. And it got me thinking both of them are grieving, but in very different ways. And watching them has really been sitting with me because I know that grief doesn't show up as one moment in time. It lives alongside change and responsibility and the pressure to keep going day to day. And I'm no stranger to grief. I think you guys know that. I lost my mom the day after Christmas at the age of twenty. I watched my own father after losing my mom, and then twenty five years later, my stepmom. So it's a conversation I think if I'm being honest, I have worked really hard over the years to avoid.
Tamsen Fadal 0:47
But when I heard Megan Reardon Jarvis's TED Talk on grief, I knew I wanted to have her on the show and really dive into this conversation. She said that most people suffer for over a year. Before they ever feel like they start seeking out support. And that really hit me. So maybe you're caring for aging parents or losing people that you love in a relationship or quietly grieving your younger self or your younger body or a job, whatever it is. Most of us grew up hearing about these five stages of grief, right? Like it's a neat, orderly process. You're in stage two or three or five, and then eventually you're you're finished with it. But I think some of you might not even realize that what you're experiencing is grief in certain parts of your life.
Tamsen Fadal 1:32
Instead, you're told it's stress or you're burned out or you can't sleep or it's a part of getting older. And I think that makes it even more confusing. So joining me is Megan Rearden Jarvis, a leading grief expert and therapist who challenges the idea that grief is something you just quote get over. And instead, she's going to show us how it lives in the body. She's here to give you a new way to understand what you're feeling, and then some real tools to help you move forward with more clarity and steadiness. Megan, welcome to the show. Tamson, I am really delighted to be here. It's so good to see you. And uh, you know, I have to say, there are parts of what you have talked about and what I've listened to over time that really hit me because I think when you go through a loss at an early age, you think, okay, I I understand grief and I understand how to grieve.
Tamsen Fadal 2:24
But I think after hearing you talk about it, I'm I'm not sure that I ever did. So So for people who are are listening to this and are not sure if, you know, they're they're grieving right now 'cause it could be about a job or a relationship, it doesn't necessarily have to be about death. Right. Can you start by defining what grief is? Yeah.
Meghan Riordan Jarvis 2:43
Yeah. So I define grief as the energy that's created in the body on account of loss. And that can be any loss. It could be the death of a loved one, which is how we primarily think about loss and and grief in general. But it can also be a divorce, you didn't make the team, you didn't get into the college you wanted to get into. Um, I would say that we grieve something every day. It's
Tamsen Fadal 3:06
interesting 'cause I think of grief I I do think of it as death. Like that's what I think of. So I think anything else is is maybe less than that. And that's not really what you what you believe that grief is, right?
Meghan Riordan Jarvis 3:18
Well, if we didn't have a description around grieving and loss that was negative, we probably wouldn't have to do that thing to ourselves where we start to compare or we minimize. If we looked at it as just an everyday experience, like hunger, I get hungry every day, I feed myself every day. If we looked at the idea that I'm gonna feel some kind of loss every single day and then attend to it because it's mine, I think a what a lot lot of people do is they s they say, and they may even in a support network place say that person's loss is more significant than mine.
Tamsen Fadal 3:52
Yeah.
Meghan Riordan Jarvis 3:52
Right. And so then they say, Well, I'm not going to speak up about it. I'm not going to talk about it. But the reality is you can only attend to your own loss.

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