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The Viall Files

E1033 Ask Nick - My Boyfriend's Dark Secret

17 Nov 2025

Transcription

Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?

0.031 - 8.945 Nick Viall

The holidays are all about creating a cozy, safe home, but if you're using laundry or dishwasher pods, then hidden microplastics could be sneaking into the place and people you care about most.

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Chapter 2: What should I do if my ex won't stop lurking on my social media?

9.186 - 24.57 Nick Viall

That's why we've made the switch to Blueland across all of our cleaning products, especially during the holidays when most of us spend more time cooking, hosting, and cozying up indoors. Blueland products meet the highest standards of clean. They're effective yet gentle on people and the planet. In fact, Blueland was named an EPA Safer Choice Partner of the Year.

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24.55 - 41.233 Nick Viall

From cleaning sprays and toilet bowl cleaner to dishwasher and laundry detergent tablets, Blue Lens formulas are 100% microplastic free, made with certified clean ingredients, free from chlorine, bleach, and harsh chemicals that are safe to use around your family. You'll love not having to choose between the safe option and what actually gets your home clean. Y'all know I hate doing dishes.

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41.253 - 58.86 Nick Viall

So my favorite thing to do is to put everything into the dishwasher. And with Blue Lens dishwasher tablets, they are proven to perform on baked on burnt on stains. So no rinse aid is needed. They're microplastic free septic safe formula made with plant and mineral based cleaning powder. So it's powerful enough to combat spotting and filming even in hard water, but safe to use.

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58.84 - 72.281 Nick Viall

around everyone in the family. So to stock up on sustainable cleaning products for yourself or to give a beautiful, sustainable gift to your friends and family this holiday season, go to blueland.com slash V-I-A-L-L and save up to 30% off during Blueland's holiday sale. Don't wait. They only do this once a year.

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72.341 - 80.494 Nick Viall

That's 30% off during Blueland's holiday sale by going to blueland.com slash V-I-A-L-L, blueland.com slash V-I-A-L-L for 30% off.

80.778 - 94.067 Unknown

This episode is sponsored by Mint Mobile, and we have an especially exciting announcement. We want to hear your scorching hot reality TV takes, and that's why we've partnered with Mint Mobile to open the Hot Take Hotline, where you can leave us a voice message and give us your reality TV takes.

94.267 - 115.845 Unknown

Give us your hot takes, thoughts, and theories, and we'll read and react to the best ones in an upcoming reality recap episode. All you have to do is call 1-855-MENT-TLK or if you prefer the numbers, that is 855-646-8855 and leave us a voicemail. Again, just call 1-855-MENT-TLK or 855-646-8855 and leave us a message. Make the switch to Mint Mobile.

115.865 - 128.282 Unknown

Get three months of unlimited premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash V-I-A-L-L. That is mintmobile.com slash V-I-A-L-L. Upfront payment of $45 required, equivalent to $15 a month. Limited time new customer offer for first three months only.

Chapter 3: How do I handle a partner with a dark past?

128.382 - 148.283 Unknown

Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. How's it going?

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148.844 - 149.464 Ashley

Good. How are you?

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149.765 - 150.025 Unknown

Good.

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150.045 - 151.687 Ashley

What's your name? I'm Ashley.

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151.707 - 152.888 Unknown

How old are you, Ashley?

152.935 - 153.236 Ashley

32.

153.316 - 154.738 Unknown

How can I help?

154.758 - 181.103 Ashley

So I dated a guy about five years ago, broke up just because of circumstances, mostly due to distance. We've dated other people in the last five years. And in between relationships, we've kind of always reached out to each other and checked in on each other to see what was going on, see our situation status. And we've always... been in other relationships when the other person is single.

181.524 - 208.695 Ashley

So it kind of has always flip-flopped back and forth. Most recently, after my most recent relationship, I reached out to him. He told me he was seeing somebody and I wished him the best and I left it at that. But I've noticed lately that he's been watching my Instagram stories here and there while not following me. So kind of feels like there's some unresolved thing there.

Chapter 4: What are the signs that my friend's behavior is toxic?

266.664 - 269.889 Ashley

I'm not sure really what he does right now. I mean, if I had to guess.

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269.909 - 271.532 Unknown

What was he doing? I mean, like, I guess.

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272.433 - 274.897 Ashley

Like, restaurant business.

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275.277 - 278.723 Unknown

Did you guys ever talk about closing the distance?

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279.223 - 306.826 Ashley

We did. And we were both, like, pretty stubborn. I felt like... I felt like he was more reluctant to compromising because he had a lot less to give up. And I had a lot going on where I'm living. So I felt like he was expecting me to make all of the changes to accommodate him. And it kind of just left a bad taste in my mouth because I wanted him to be a little bit more understanding.

306.846 - 319.512 Ashley

Like I had my career here and my family and a house, like I own my house here. So it was a lot for me to untangle. he really didn't have anything to untangle. So that was kind of the...

319.576 - 346.412 Unknown

Did either of you flat out say, I want us to make it work? Did you have casual conversations that both of you were like passively asking or suggesting? Or was there like a, I see a future with you. I want to make this work. This isn't ideal for either us. And like, you know, for example, with Natalie, it wasn't a conversation. It was, if you want to be with me, you have to move here. Right.

346.853 - 367.224 Unknown

And she, you know, her job at the time gave her all the flexibility to do that. But she still left her family. You know, she still left her friends. She still moved to a place where she knew nobody. So that was still a huge ask for me, even though her job. made it possible. I was pretty clear what needed to happen.

367.584 - 388.412 Unknown

Once it happened, I was also clear that like, I have to go out of my way to make sure I had to recognize the sacrifice she was making and try to make it as enjoyable for her. But that being said, it was just more, the conversation started by let's be together. And then as soon as we started being together, I was like, well, if we're going to do this, we need to like be in the same city.

Chapter 5: How can I navigate friendships after a falling out?

552.679 - 559.035 Unknown

And honestly, like living in, you know, uh, I don't know, Denver might sounds kind of fun or whatever, but,

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559.015 - 580.011 Unknown

um so again there's no right or wrong how you guys make a decision but if that was your guys's decision it definitely doesn't make sense in the meantime forget him to move to you is like proof that he's willing to like do something for you uh while you kind of unravel your life yeah just because then you're then you're

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579.991 - 600.373 Unknown

like back in the Oregon trail days, like, or just honestly like immigrants, right? Like sometimes the, you know, someone in the family tends to be the father, right? Would move to the country that the family is going to migrate to and get a job and get things settled and lay their roots down, so to speak. And then he'll bring the rest of his family when everything's situated.

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600.393 - 618.174 Unknown

But in that kind of mindset, if you guys are moving to his city, he should be like, settling you guys, you know, up there, it would be harder on you both for him to move to you for six months or 12 months or whatever. And then both of you to move back.

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618.996 - 619.336 Ashley

Yeah.

619.697 - 622.722 Unknown

Just like logistically, I feel like, feel like that's impractical.

622.837 - 632.092 Ashley

You're right. But he also wasn't settled and he wasn't making plans to be settled. He was living, you know, with like three roommates.

632.252 - 654.43 Unknown

Well, a bit all the more reason why he should. You know what I'm saying? Like that could have been a conversation. It could have been. Yeah. All right. Well, listen, I want to be with you and let's say Denver, right? Like just for the sake of, and like Denver, I think I like your city. I don't want to ask you to move to Topeka, Kansas or whatever. So I'm going to move to Denver.

654.41 - 677.274 Unknown

But if you're going to do that, obviously, I'm not going to move in with your roommates. I'm making this huge sacrifice. I'm going to sell my house. But what does our life look like together? And let's start our life together. And so you guys, you could have flown out to Denver every so often. You could have gone apartment shopping. Hell, you could have... been house shopping.

Chapter 6: What should I consider before reconnecting with an old friend?

794.234 - 803.875 Unknown

I guess neither of you made the call to say, I miss you. I think we made a mistake. I want to figure this out. I want to get back together. That matters.

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803.855 - 815.339 Ashley

Yeah, because I think when both of us had reached out, it was like feel it was testing the waters like, hey, are you single? Are you with somebody else? If you're with somebody else, I'm going to respect that and leave it be.

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815.499 - 820.53 Unknown

I get that. But, you know, he was never single when you were single.

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821.185 - 831.708 Ashley

No, no. When he had reached out to me, I was with somebody else. He reached out again, I was still with the same person. And then when I had reached out to him, then he was seeing somebody else.

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831.728 - 852.171 Unknown

So it's always just kind of been like phone tag where it's like... Sure, but also like, I mean, listen, if they were worth it, you... Yeah. I'm not saying you should be like a homewrecker, but at some point, you know, all you guys are doing to each other is letting you guys know that you both think are each other is cool and you guys enjoyed each other's company and probably the sex.

852.488 - 864.381 Unknown

But honestly, there's not much more than that. And honestly, neither of you are worth it to each other. Why she follows you, I don't know. Who? Didn't you say his current girlfriend's looking at your stuff?

864.942 - 865.923 Ashley

He's looking at my stuff.

866.063 - 881.28 Unknown

Oh, okay. Well, yeah, I don't know. Listen, there's some interest in you. There's no denying that. But there's not much to be gained from reading into online activity. Yeah. You know?

881.26 - 908.736 Unknown

some people are curious it's like i don't know yeah i dated that girl in the past she was hot what's she up to yeah okay cool i don't miss her enough to like break out with my girlfriend or do something crazy but like you've never thought of it i mean literally this guy like when you were dating the your other boyfriend and he reached out uh you never like it never crossed you were never curious to just peek at his instagram

Chapter 7: How do I balance my friendships with my romantic relationship?

1102.188 - 1118.438 Unknown

And what's she up to? Yeah. Um, But yeah, I mean, he probably thinks about you the same way you think about him. But you're still not, it's not like you called me up and you're like, my bags are packed. If he told me to move to Denver today, I would.

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1118.859 - 1119.159 Ashley

Right.

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1119.499 - 1120.1 Unknown

Like, you know?

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1120.16 - 1132.954 Ashley

Well, yeah. And I mean, in hindsight, I feel like the things that caused the breakup now, I feel like they wouldn't be insurmountable now with the life experience that I've had.

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1133.002 - 1143.604 Unknown

Yeah. But you don't, I mean, you don't really, what do you know about him really and how he's changed since you guys broke up?

1144.005 - 1152.462 Ashley

I mean, in one of the moments when he did reach out, he did express regret and guilt for, you know, kind of not.

1152.796 - 1182.803 Unknown

being more of a partner when that when those decisions were being discussed uh so i mean again it's not like you know i mean shoot your shot i don't know like if you if this is a guy that you are serious about pursuing think about it i don't know you'll probably get rejected but like who cares yeah yeah no i know you either have to like shoot your shot or accept the fact that like this narrative you have in your head is that we only broke up for distance i think is

1182.783 - 1204.217 Unknown

false narrative right you broke up because like you were in different stages of of of your life you broke up because like he just was you know he was still playing the roommate game and like honestly like liked having a girlfriend but wasn't really looking at settling down as a 27 year old you know and you were you know like those are reasons why you broke up you are

1204.332 - 1223.074 Unknown

You are watering down the reasons, which makes it harder for you to move on because you've created this narrative in your head that nothing broke you up other than distance. And again, like I said before, plenty of people make it work. And you guys, for whatever reason, didn't make it work. And that matters.

Chapter 8: What steps should I take to address concerns about my partner's past?

1487.326 - 1497.721 Unknown

you know, your household, right? Like, you know what I'm saying? Where it's like yours, you know, and you have your traditions and you're not just showing up for the family someone else created.

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1500.285 - 1501.026 Ashley

No, I got you.

0

1501.586 - 1502.928 Unknown

Well, let me know what you end up doing.

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1503.309 - 1503.629 Ashley

I will.

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1503.79 - 1507.735 Unknown

But more importantly, if it's probably not with this guy, you got to let it go.

1508.276 - 1508.997 Ashley

No, for sure.

1509.162 - 1518.296 Unknown

And if you're, if you're feeling a little stale in your current surroundings, mix it up, you know, travel some, you know, just try to, you're, you know, you're 32.

1519.398 - 1519.658 Ashley

Yeah.

1520.159 - 1522.282 Unknown

I made some big changes in my life when I was your age.

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