Chapter 1: What is the main topic discussed in this episode?
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Chapter 2: What are the challenges of dealing with an ex who lurks on social media?
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Chapter 3: How should I navigate a relationship with a partner who has a dark past?
Speeds may slow above 35 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mobile for details. How's it going?
Good. How are you?
Good.
What's your name? I'm Ashley.
How old are you, Ashley?
32.
How can I help?
So I dated a guy about five years ago, broke up just because of circumstances, mostly due to distance. We've dated other people in the last five years. And in between relationships, we've kind of always reached out to each other and checked in on each other to see what was going on, see our situation status. And we've always... been in other relationships when the other person is single.
So it kind of has always flip-flopped back and forth. Most recently, after my most recent relationship, I reached out to him. He told me he was seeing somebody and I wished him the best and I left it at that. But I've noticed lately that he's been watching my Instagram stories here and there while not following me. So kind of feels like there's some unresolved thing there.
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Chapter 4: What are the implications of dating someone with a controversial history?
I mean, if I had to guess.
What was he doing? I mean, like, I guess.
Like, restaurant business.
Did you guys ever talk about closing the distance?
We did. And we were both, like, pretty stubborn. I felt like... I felt like he was more reluctant to compromising because he had a lot less to give up. And I had a lot going on where I'm living. So I felt like he was expecting me to make all of the changes to accommodate him. And it kind of just left a bad taste in my mouth because I wanted him to be a little bit more understanding.
Like I had my career here and my family and a house, like I own my house here. So it was a lot for me to untangle. he really didn't have anything to untangle. So that was kind of the...
Did either of you flat out say, I want us to make it work? Did you have casual conversations that both of you were like passively asking or suggesting? Or was there like a, I see a future with you. I want to make this work. This isn't ideal for either us. And like, you know, for example, with Natalie, it wasn't a conversation. It was, if you want to be with me, you have to move here. Right.
And she, you know, her job at the time gave her all the flexibility to do that. But she still left her family. You know, she still left her friends. She still moved to a place where she knew nobody. So that was still a huge ask for me, even though her job. made it possible. I was pretty clear what needed to happen.
Once it happened, I was also clear that like, I have to go out of my way to make sure I had to recognize the sacrifice she was making and try to make it as enjoyable for her. But that being said, it was just more, the conversation started by let's be together. And then as soon as we started being together, I was like, well, if we're going to do this, we need to like be in the same city.
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Chapter 5: How can I determine if my feelings for my partner are valid?
It's not really like that.
And why couldn't you move?
It wasn't that I couldn't move. It was just like I needed some time to untangle my life here. My career was where I live. I was going into the office every day. I had to sell my house. I had to... You didn't have to sell your house. There was a lot of moving parts for me, right? Which would have required some time. And my suggestion to him was...
can you come be here with me while I untangle all of this and find a new job where, where you are? And it wasn't even like he was willing to do that.
So that was kind of the, but that doesn't make, to be honest, make much sense.
For him to come here.
If the long-term plan was for you to move, and I'm saying there's no right or wrong, right? Like someone just has to, if two people are like, hey, we want to be together and for us to be together, one of us has to make the move. Yeah. You have to like weigh all the variables and decide as a couple what that, where that is going to be, right? Yeah.
So if you're saying, well, all right, I may have had more going on here, my house, my career, my job, whatever. But that being said, where he lives is really cool. It is definitely appealing to me. People who aren't familiar with this part of the country moving, it could just be a drain on their emotional. I'm from Wisconsin, but someone from, let's say, Florida moving to Wisconsin might be like,
a bigger just adjustment for them where it's just like, all right, I have a house here and yeah, I've laid my roots here and I got a job here, but I can get a job anywhere. And honestly, like living in, you know, uh, I don't know, Denver might sounds kind of fun or whatever, but,
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Chapter 6: What steps should I take to address my partner's past with my friends?
I don't want to ask you to move to Topeka, Kansas or whatever. So I'm going to move to Denver. But if you're going to do that, obviously, I'm not going to move in with your roommates. I'm making this huge sacrifice. I'm going to sell my house. But what does our life look like together? And let's start our life together. And so you guys, you could have flown out to Denver every so often.
You could have gone apartment shopping. Hell, you could have... been house shopping. Maybe you buy a house in the city. I don't know. You could have, again, got an apartment for a couple of years while you house shopped, whatever. He could have led that search. These are conversations that as an adult relationship, this is what it should look like.
You two making decisions together, because again, if one of you is going to make a move Right. Like you both need to know that you guys are in it to win it and that like you guys are taking this seriously. You're making serious decisions together because you're right. If he was like, well, you know, I like my roommates and it's chill and it's cool like that.
That doesn't give you the security to like make that move if he's not willing to change anything about his life. Now, I'm not sure if that was the case.
Yes. I mean, in a nutshell, yeah. Like that's pretty much kind of like how it went.
Okay, well, listen, if that's the case, I guess back to your original question is our choices matter and we make choices and we have to live with those choices. And sometimes this is a choice you made, he made, you made together. But those choices mattered in the context of the potential of your relationship. Maybe you guys enjoyed hanging out together. Maybe you had great sex.
Maybe he was the coolest guy you had dated for a while. But you're also, the more I talk, you're also describing a guy who, how old is he?
Now, 32, 31. Okay.
And how long ago was this breakup?
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Chapter 7: How can I rebuild a friendship after a falling out?
Yeah, because I think when both of us had reached out, it was like feel it was testing the waters like, hey, are you single? Are you with somebody else? If you're with somebody else, I'm going to respect that and leave it be.
I get that. But, you know, he was never single when you were single.
No, no. When he had reached out to me, I was with somebody else. He reached out again, I was still with the same person. And then when I had reached out to him, then he was seeing somebody else.
So it's always just kind of been like phone tag where it's like... Sure, but also like, I mean, listen, if they were worth it, you... Yeah. I'm not saying you should be like a homewrecker, but at some point, you know, all you guys are doing to each other is letting you guys know that you both think are each other is cool and you guys enjoyed each other's company and probably the sex.
But honestly, there's not much more than that. And honestly, neither of you are worth it to each other. Why she follows you, I don't know. Who? Didn't you say his current girlfriend's looking at your stuff?
He's looking at my stuff.
Oh, okay. Well, yeah, I don't know. Listen, there's some interest in you. There's no denying that. But there's not much to be gained from reading into online activity. Yeah. You know?
some people are curious it's like i don't know yeah i dated that girl in the past she was hot what's she up to yeah okay cool i don't miss her enough to like break out with my girlfriend or do something crazy but like you've never thought of it i mean literally this guy like when you were dating the your other boyfriend and he reached out uh you never like it never crossed you were never curious to just peek at his instagram
I mean, I've definitely looked at his stuff, but I've never left a paper trail that I was looking at his stuff and his stories. You know what I mean?
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Chapter 8: What should I consider before giving my ex-best friend another chance?
And what's she up to? Yeah. Um, But yeah, I mean, he probably thinks about you the same way you think about him. But you're still not, it's not like you called me up and you're like, my bags are packed. If he told me to move to Denver today, I would.
Right.
Like, you know?
Well, yeah. And I mean, in hindsight, I feel like the things that caused the breakup now, I feel like they wouldn't be insurmountable now with the life experience that I've had.
Yeah. But you don't, I mean, you don't really, what do you know about him really and how he's changed since you guys broke up?
I mean, in one of the moments when he did reach out, he did express regret and guilt for, you know, kind of not.
being more of a partner when that when those decisions were being discussed uh so i mean again it's not like you know i mean shoot your shot i don't know like if you if this is a guy that you are serious about pursuing think about it i don't know you'll probably get rejected but like who cares yeah yeah no i know you either have to like shoot your shot or accept the fact that like this narrative you have in your head is that we only broke up for distance i think is
false narrative right you broke up because like you were in different stages of of of your life you broke up because like he just was you know he was still playing the roommate game and like honestly like liked having a girlfriend but wasn't really looking at settling down as a 27 year old you know and you were you know like those are reasons why you broke up you are
You are watering down the reasons, which makes it harder for you to move on because you've created this narrative in your head that nothing broke you up other than distance. And again, like I said before, plenty of people make it work. And you guys, for whatever reason, didn't make it work. And that matters.
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