Chapter 1: What should I do if my ex contacts me after getting engaged?
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Good. How are you?
Good. What's your name?
My name is Ruth.
Hi, Ruth.
And I am 36. Okay.
How can I help?
I'm getting married in November and my ex reached out to me like a month after I got engaged. And it wasn't like the nicest message. And I don't know if I should tell my fiance before we get married or if I should just bury it, let it be, never think of it.
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Chapter 2: Is it okay to visit an old fling while going through a divorce?
That's pretty typical.
Yeah. Well, yeah. And he is blocked on everything or so I thought until an email slipped through. The email just said, like, I heard you're getting married. I hope it's everything I couldn't give you. Dot, dot, dot.
And?
And I feel like if I tell my fiance, that will set him off. How does he have an in? How is he able to still reach you? How does he still have communication with you? And I mean, I thought it was blocked. And he's a very jealous person.
You're a fiance.
He's very jealous, yes.
But why not tell him? What are you hiding?
I just feel like he'll be like, well, why do you still have a means of communication? And even if I say I thought he was blocked, I don't think he would believe me.
Why wouldn't he believe you?
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Chapter 3: How do I handle my estranged father's role in my wedding?
And I actually had asked him, I was like, I found this letter when I was like cleaning. And now that you cleaned out this drawer, the letter moved, but you never threw it out. Like, were you holding onto it for something? He's like, I didn't even realize what that was.
And your response was to that?
Like, okay, I trust you. I believe you. I'm not that jealous of a person.
And let's assume... Well, I mean, hopefully he didn't lie about it, but let's... I don't know if you listened to the most recent episode where someone was upset about a folder full of, like, memorabilia. Yeah, I'd be mad. Memorabilia or whatever. There's a part... Like, listen, on its face, right?
Like, as I listen, I assume the people who are going to listen to this, it doesn't make sense that you would... Like, why would you hide this from him? You know? It's like there's nothing to hide. Your actions and how you're interpreting...
this situation almost implies that you have some unresolved feelings that you are having a hard time processing, and you're projecting those feelings onto this situation. Because in a relationship, granted, yeah, you have a lot of history with that ex. Understand that your current fiance has demonstrated Signs of jealousy and things like that.
I'm sure you want that to be worked on by both himself and you guys in the relationship and how to address that. I don't think how you're handling this is going to help that situation at all.
Would you want to know if, you know, your wife's ex had contacted her right before your wedding and just.
Well, first of all, it's not right before you're getting married in November and you, I don't know, they reached out when, like several months ago.
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Chapter 4: What are the emotional implications of cutting off family relationships?
September, yeah. And we got engaged at the end of August.
All right. So he reached out right after you got engaged. If I were insecure about your feelings, you know, I guess it could bother me. Just out of curiosity, why is he blocked on all platforms and how did you come to that decision?
um I had to go no contact it was toxic it was unhealthy it was we both knew it was over so like neither one of us wanted to call it so when I finally called it it was almost like a spiral happened and you couldn't handle it so I was getting like 200 phone calls a day like
back to back and then i have a work phone and like he would flip between the two and then i was getting emails like paragraph long emails and text messages and facebook messages any message like any sort of avenue that you could message someone through it was just to the point where like i was having panic attacks over it because i was like i need you to go yeah okay that makes sense so good you know and i'm assuming your fiancee knows that story
Yeah, he was there for a lot of that.
And when you blocked him, it was it was it you being like, I got to block this guy. Was it was it your fiance suggesting you block it? Did you give offer any? OK, so it was totally came from you.
Yeah, it came from me. Like I knew that I had to go no contact because.
So then let me ask you this question. Then why, when you're making this decision, do I tell my fiance, why are you acting as if he was like, I need you to block him. I need you to block him on all platforms. And then, then you did, you complied with his request and then like forgot about the email because you're just like, he's going to be like, well, why does he still have access to you?
were again like this is a situation where for your own mental health and for your own need to move on and remove honestly to protect your ex from himself who like obviously was kind of going in a manic state you put a stop to that he found out you got engaged obviously triggering from for him honestly i'm surprised it took him a month to reach out but he did and
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Chapter 5: How can I navigate feelings of jealousy in relationships?
And you kind of convince yourself that your reason you're not fully transparent or honest is because you don't want them to get bad. And there may be some truth to that, that he could get mad, you don't know. But one or two things are gonna happen with your fiance, right? He either is so jealous and so reactive that nothing you can do is going to change his jealous ways.
In which case, you kind of have a problem because that is not going to get any better or worse. And I'm assuming for the most part, you guys are experiencing generally a honeymoon phase and you're excited about this engagement. But like, as you know, You know, relationships get hard and things happen and they might feel moments of disconnection.
And like if he's jealous now, imagine what he's going to be like when you guys really have to put some work in. Or the other option is to despite his jealousy, you promise yourself that I'm going to be always open and transparent with this guy. Now, some things might trigger him. But that's going to be something he has to work on because I know I'm not doing anything wrong.
I'm just like I'm just being communicative. You don't need to apologize in a situation where, first of all, you weren't required to block your ex. You know, it wasn't even a request from him. And even if it was a request, it's an understandable, honest mistake that you like forgot about the email. Most people don't even know how to block someone on email.
I'm sure most people could figure out, but it's not something- I had to Google it. Yeah.
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Chapter 6: What are the consequences of keeping secrets from a partner?
It's not something we think about. I've never done it. Honestly, your bigger problem isn't your ex. It is figuring out how to be honest with your fiance and then either find out whether this is a guy who, despite some jealousy issues, can work on that and identify, it's like, I can't be like this. I'm getting married to this person. Am I going to still be jealous? Why am I acting this way? If
you know, like if you're giving him no reason to think or feel that he should be insecure about a guy you dated for 12 years, then you don't need to apologize for that. The reality is you're in a worse situation because if you tell him now, he has every right to be like, well, why took you three months to tell me? Why did you wait? Like, what were you stewing on?
That's true. And we normally have great communication. We're very open and like, I should have like first instinct when I saw the email was just, I should text him right now and like, let him know. But he was at work and I was like, Oh, I'm not going to do that. Well, as it works, like I'll wait till I get home. And then it just kind of snowballed into, I deleted it and it doesn't exist.
But then I, talking to one of my friends and I asked my parents, I was like, what do I do? My dad's like, you're not still talking to him. So what does it matter? And I was like, I don't know. I just don't want him to like feel some type of way that he still had access to my, like to me. And I didn't tell him right away. And now I didn't, because it's definitely been a couple months.
You definitely fucked up there. I mean, that's, I don't think it was unforgivable. You dropped a ball.
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Chapter 7: How do I balance my past relationships with my current engagement?
You know, your fiance best. What, what do you think?
His reaction is going to be definitely annoyed and definitely going to question. Right. That's the best case. Yeah, definitely. Kind of just why isn't he blocked? But like, I thought it was blocked. So I think it's just more like he's going to be very frustrated.
So layman, but I were you I would try not to make this a big deal You know, you don't need to text him at work and be like we need to get home Next time you're driving just be like listen Can I tell you something and I feel really stupid and and I'm really disappointed in myself But like Mike reached out a couple months ago and sent me this really weird email first of all I was surprised to receive it because I thought I had on block I did it it caught me off guard and
I deleted it right away. And then I kind of got in my head feeling bad that I didn't have them blocked and I didn't tell you. And then it's been kind of just sitting with me. I'm like, why didn't I tell him? And I feel weird for not telling you, but like he reached out and I just kind of got in my head and maybe you guys can have a conversation. Now, I don't think you blame him.
You know, like you, if you get into the weeds, you can say, listen, I think I got a little freaked out because is he aware that he's has a jealous side?
Yeah, he can admit it.
Okay. Well, then maybe you can bring... Listen, you'll have to say, this is not an excuse. I was wrong, but I kind of convinced myself I was a little afraid that you would get mad because you're jealous, but I don't want to have that type of relationship with you.
I still want to be able for us to tell each other things, even at the risk of it might be slightly upsetting, because we can talk through things and we can work through things, and there's nothing we can't talk or work through, especially things that honestly... Neither of us did anything wrong here. You know, something happened.
Things can happen outside of our control and we might get triggered. But like, it's our job to like just be there for each other. And like, you know, you got to have that kind of conversation with him. Acknowledge what you did wrong and then communicate why you're telling him now and what your goal is and why you hope like, do I want you to work on your jealousy sometimes? Sure.
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Chapter 8: What steps should I take if I want to improve my relationship with my father?
I think it's exactly like what happened. Like I should have said it in the moment and then I didn't. And now I just let it go on. And then I've been like in my head, like we have till November and I just feel like there should be no secrets or not secrets, but like just
Nothing that you're hiding. And you're weirdly keeping a secret that honestly isn't even worthy of a secret.
Made into a bigger deal than what it needed to be.
Yeah.
I'm great at that. That's what I'm good at.
Well, at least you're going to acknowledge that. But this is a very, I think, typical thing in relationships where we justify being dishonest. And it's mostly like a lack of admission, right? I'm not lying. I'm just not telling them. And I just don't want them to be upset and things like that. And it's a slippery slope. Not how you want to start this relationship off, but.
Understandable why he got in your head. I don't think this is the end of the world. And I think I think him being super annoyed and asking some follow up questions while being annoyed is totally reasonable and fair on his part.
Yeah.
And I think if you just own it all, sometimes you catch people off guard by really owning things right away. You know, because, you know, siblings or partners will fight often. Right. Sometimes we're used to being like, well, I'm going to fight you for at least 15 minutes, even if even because I know you're right, but I'm still going to fight you.
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