are you someone your soulmate could meet
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When should I stop panicking about finding 'the one' after college?
What's the timeline of finding someone we want to love for the rest of our lives? When is it supposed to happen? For a lot of my friends, it seemed to have happened in high school. They eloped, and now they're together, happily ever after, having kids. For my college friends, they're kind of struggling in the work world, finding someone that they truly like. A lot of them are going through this dishwasher cycle of being on the apps, getting into a situationship thing, and then leaving. How are we supposed to know when and if we found the one? And is that something we even want? Well, that leads me to today's question.
Growing up, I've never really thought of myself as the attractive type. I had a low self-esteem, I had trouble keeping any sort of friendships, and I really felt like I had no interesting traits about myself. But as I got older and I started to figure myself out, I started getting the attention that I wish I had when I was younger. It's turned into a bad habit of searching for that quote-unquote perfect relationship with any person that I meet, and I just feel like the last days of finding someone that's perfect for me are approaching as I start wrapping up the final years of college. How do I stop unintentionally searching for that perfect person and getting out of this mindset? Also, Zerky, I just wanted to say that your content has been great and it's been encouraging me to spend more time alone and really reflecting on the important things and the important questions that I should be asking myself.
So I wanted to give a short, warm-hearted thanks to you.
Dojin, thank you so much for the question. I'm sure a lot of you have experienced this, the pressure of finding the one. You end up getting into some kind of fling, relationship thing, and early on, you are putting this insane pressure standard on the entire thing thinking that this is your shot at finding true love when in reality that's not how it works. True love isn't something you can manufacture and a lot of us go through life thinking that that's the case and I've witnessed this on people in my family, unfortunately elders, that They force themselves into love. They become afraid of the fact that it's taking longer than it should. And instead of accepting that, okay, I might not find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with immediately after college.
It might take a little bit of time. They start to just grab onto anything they can, right? It's like they're falling through a jungle and they're grabbing onto the branches as they parachute down. Here's the deal. Your fear of time is very valid because when we look at the entire scope of what it means to be with somebody, let's say you want to have a family. There is more risk with, you know, becoming pregnant as you get older. There are more risks that come with age. Now, don't get me wrong. That doesn't necessarily mean that you can't do it. But as time progresses, I would say that there is a reality where your window kind of shortens in terms of not only health and people and proximity, but also the time that you have.
You get older, you don't know what kind of health problems you might have. You don't know where you're going to live, what kind of job you might have. These are all things that will affect your search. So how do we simultaneously accept that we want to have somebody who's the one and the one that's right for us, but also realize and accept that it's going to take its own time. It's going to be its own journey. Here's my honest opinion about it. And I don't know if, uh, if it's the right one, but it's worked for me and maybe there's something you can take away for yourself. I think that the one should come from and be attracted to the life that you want to live, the way that you want to be. You going out and trying to peacock dance, right?
And trying to attract somebody who you do not have the sustainability to keep. It won't work. If you have some kind of goal or objective, you want to live some kind of life, let's say you want to travel a lot, you want to live on a boat, or you want to be somebody that is really rooted in their community at home, right, and you just operate within your circle, I think it's very foolish to try to look for somebody before you have figured out what you want your day-to-day to look like.
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Chapters
5 chapters
1
When should I stop panicking about finding 'the one' after college?
0:00–7:05
2
How does fear of time and family planning affect relationship pressure?
7:05–12:49
3
Why is building a life first important before searching for a soulmate?
12:49–17:53
4
How can I avoid treating every new romance like 'the one'?
17:53–21:48
5
What practical steps help me become someone my future partner can meet?
21:48–22:53