851: Try a Little Tenderness
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May's six years old, in first grade. And she's the kind of forthright kid who, when we sit down for an interview, before I can get to any of the things that I want to ask her, she launches into a few get-to-know-you questions of her own. Hi, May.
Uh, what's your favorite color?
We discuss favorite colors, and then she moves on to... What's your middle name? I'm glad you're asking me that. My middle name is... We move on to last names, and soon she's instructing me on the pronunciation of her last name.
Can you say Zmujanski? That's how you say it.
Zmil Jenski.
Zmil Jenski. Z-M-U-D-C-Z-Y-N-S-K-I.
The story I was there to talk to Ms. Jenski about happened this fall, at the beginning of the school year. In St. Louis, where she lives, it was hot out.
It's sort of a funny story. So my sister told me to wear long sleeves. I mean short sleeves because it was like summer. And I wanted to wear long sleeves. And I just got mad. Yeah. And I also said stop bossing me around. So she really didn't like it and she has a very fiery temper.
This is her older sister, Johanna. Johanna's eight in third grade. Again, Mae, six, first grade. And Johanna, as the older sister, is very aware of the things that make Mae upset.
Mostly when I tell her what to do.
Especially, she says, when it comes to what Mae is wearing.
Like, she thinks fashion disasters are, like, the worst thing ever to happen. So she gets really angry when I tell her what to wear, and yeah... May gets very angry a lot. And her face turns red and yeah.
Here's May.
I was like so frustrated. I had a big tantrum.
What do you do when you have a tantrum?
I usually do this with my fist.
You're scrunching your fist as tight as they can go.
Yeah. And I was like jumping and jumping and twitching my legs.
Meanwhile, May and Johanna's mom, Megan, was trying to get them both dressed and ready for school.
And I just remember she was screaming because I said, OK, May, you got to calm down so you can still get ready and get out the door. And she was just screaming that the only way she could calm down was if she punched her sister in the face.
I told my mom that's the only way for me to calm down.
And I said, well, that's not an option, so can you think of some other way to calm down? And then I had to get ready, so I just left, and she was still kind of making quite a bit of noise. And then when I came back, kind of miraculously, the tears had dried. She was smiling. Johanna was smiling.
What had happened? How'd these two little kids work this out so quickly? Well, me and Johanna explained. It went down like this. Mae marched herself to Johanna's room and banged on the door. Johanna opened the door. And Mae has been working on not giving in to her anger, not taking the low road, but instead using words, saying what she wants, which she did now.
I said, I want to punch you in the face and that's the only way I can calm down.
And then Johanna, what did you say?
Um, I want to kind of think about that. Um, you can punch me in the butt instead.
This caught me off guard.
I was like, okay? And then I just tried it.
When you punched her butt, did you punch her like you were super mad? Or did you punch her kind of soft by then because you were sort of half over it?
I punched it hard because, like, to try to get all the anger out. Because if I punched it softly, it sort of only lets a couple pieces of the madness out of you.
And did it work? Did you get all the anger out?
Yes, because I punched it super hard. She definitely hit it very hard.
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